


Secrets Kindle Fires

by sometimesiquestionmylifechoices



Category: One Direction
Genre: AU, Abuse, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Frottage, M/M, Multi, Self Harm, Smut, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Truth or Dare, Uni AU, University AU, blowjob, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-25
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-07 22:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 52,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sometimesiquestionmylifechoices/pseuds/sometimesiquestionmylifechoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is a 22 year old uni professor. Harry is his student who constantly insults him about his sexuality. Louis tries to ignore it but the curly-haired boy won't let up. But one night, Louis discovers that Harry may have a dark secret he keeps locked inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) x  
> This is my second chaptered fic, and it's going to be a long one. The first chapter is relatively slow, so sorry about that. Also, sorry about the weird date thing! I know it says it was posted on April 25th, but really I posted this on April 9th. I had to re-post the first chapter, hope this clears up any confusion. Hang in there? I hope you all keep reading! If you're still reading this note, you're great and I love you.  
> As I said this chapter is slow because it's basically just setting the place and the characters. The second chapter will be more involving, I promise.  
> You can follow me at prostitutelou.tumblr.com :)  
> Alright, enjoy! Please leave comments and kudos if you like it. xxx

Louis Tomlinson nervously sat on the edge of his desk at the front of the classroom. It was his first day at the university, and at 22, he was the youngest professor there. He anxiously adjusted his favorite red and white suspenders that were holding up his white jeans and lay on top of his navy blue collared short-sleeve shirt. The other professors, clad in dress pants and tweed blazers, had given him a few odd looks, but he convinced himself not to care. He wanted to teach and this is where he was going to do it. English was the subject he was teaching. Second year English: literary analysis. Louis loved to read, and he loved discussing the meaning of words and poems with other people. He just hoped that the students would be able to enjoy it at least a little bit.

The bell rang just as he was thinking this and he nervously stared at the door, which was several rows of desks away from him. The room was a stereotypical lecture hall, at least fifteen rows of desks that got slightly higher in elevation as you moved farther away from the front. He couldn’t imagine the type of volume he’d have to put in his voice to reach everyone.

The first student hesitantly entered the room. She was cute, long brown hair parted straight in the middle and clad in high rise jeans and a thin pink tank top tied at her waist. A white undershirt covered everything the pink shirt didn’t and she toted a large brown shoulder bag. She walked coolly towards the front of the room.

“Mr. Tomlinson?” she asked for clarification. Louis smiled and nodded. She grinned at him. “I’m Eleanor. Calder,” she informed him as she took a desk in the second row. He smiled at her again and watched as students began to flow more quickly into the room. Some, he noticed, were just as put together as Eleanor seemed. He noticed one girl with similar brown hair that was thicker, but she had the long, lithe body of a dancer and she was wearing dark skinny jeans, black flats, and a turquoise shirt that flowed loosely yet was still flattering to her thin body. He also noticed a blonde girl that had her hair tied in a loose ponytail and wore dark gray sweats the clung in a flattering way to her backside and thighs, along with a simple white v-neck and a denim jacket. He watched her for a second. She seemed as if she’d been out partying all night and then had come to school with a major hangover. Who knows? Maybe she had. However, she snapped to attention when a boy walked in front of her desk. He paid no mind to her, it seemed, but she tensed until he was farther away. Louis let his eyes drift to the boy as the warning bell rang. He was wearing a simple graphic black t-shirt and light jeans. His hair was styled into a perfectly swept quiff, just barely tipped with blonde on one section. He looked bored yet alert, as if waiting for someone to walk in the door.

Louis sighed as the final bell rang. The class wasn’t exactly large, but it wasn’t small, either. He cleared his throat.

“Good morning. I’m Mr. Tomlinson, and this is second year English.” He glanced over at Eleanor, who smiled encouragingly. “If anyone’s in the wrong room, just come show me your schedule and I’ll do my best to tell you where–“ He was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. He looked up to see a tall boy entering the room. He was wearing a white v-neck, black skinny jeans, brown boots, and a gray beanie covered about half of his mop of curly hair. He muttered out a half-hearted apology as he scanned the room. His eyes landed on the dark-haired boy Louis had noticed earlier and he smiled. He walked over and took a seat next to the boy, who grinned and shook his head at him. Louis decided not to make a deal out of one tardy. It was the first day, and he wanted his students to like him. He continued on with the introduction and then proceeded to take role. He learned that the girl with the dancer’s body was named Danielle Peazer, the girl with the blonde hair was Perrie Edwards, the dark-skinned boy was Zayn Malik, and the tall, curly-haired boy who was late was Harry Styles.

The class passed in a blur. Louis really only introduced them to what they would be doing over the course of the year and allowed them to ask him any questions they wanted to once he finished his spheal. The questions were just what anyone would expect: Where are you from? How old are you? How long have you been teaching? Louis answered each of them with ease, not faltering even when he admitted he was a first year professor. He noticed a few small laughs coming from the area of the room where Zayn and Harry sat, but he didn’t let it faze him. He thought he was doing pretty well for his first day. Before he knew it, the bell rang and all but a few students rushed out of his classroom. Some of the laggers left, leaving only Zayn, Harry, and Eleanor talking to a few of her friends as she gathered her belongings. Zayn waved to Harry and walked a confident walk out the door. Harry came up to Louis’s desk and looked him straight in the eye.

“Are you gay?” Louis started at the question. Harry eyed him knowingly, a smirk appearing on his face.

“What?” Louis managed.

“Oh, you heard me. Are you gay? Although I hardly know why I’m asking, it’s pretty obvious. Benefit of the doubt, I suppose.” Louis furrowed his brow, beginning to dislike the boy.

“I hardly think that’s any of your business, Harry,” Louis said coldly. Harry didn’t respond for a minute, then cocked an eyebrow and walked off, muttering something that sounded strangely like fag under his breath. Louis’s breath hitched. He’d never heard anyone use that word as pure insult before. Where he was from, most people were pretty accepting, and even if they weren’t they kept to themselves.

Eleanor made her way over to him, a sympathetic look on her face.

“Don’t mind Harry,” she said, pouting slightly. “He’s a real jerk. It sucks for you to get him as a first year professor.” Louis mentally shook himself and smiled coolly.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, Ms. Calder. I’m not going to let one student ruin my teaching experience.” Eleanor smiled a bubbly smile at him.

“That’s good. Well, I better get to class.” She waved a farewell to Louis as she left and he sat back on his desk, letting out a deep breath.

He didn’t know why Harry’s question bothered him so much. He never really gave much question to his sexuality. He liked people. He supposed if he had to choose he’d rather bang a guy, but girls were alright too. It all depended on their personality. Looking back, Louis had it pretty easy concerning sexuality. His family was fine with whatever, and so were his friends. Straight? Awesome. Gay? Wonderful. Bisexual? Spectacular. Be whatever you wanted. He smiled in fondness at the memory of his mother when he’d brought his first boyfriend home. She’d shown no difference to when he’d brought girls home, and he’d appreciated it immensely.

Louis had to snap himself out of his reverie when his next class began to file in the door. He gathered himself and smiled, ready to face the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small knock came on Louis’s office door. His room was huge, but his office was attached and relatively small with the door closed.

“Come in,” he called. Another teacher entered and offered him a friendly smile.

“Hello,” he said, offering Louis his hand. “I’m Liam Payne, but you can call me Liam, of course. I teach chemistry.” Louis smiled at his friendliness.

“Hi,” he replied, equally friendly. “I’m Louis Tomlinson. Spelled like Lewis, said like Louis. You can call me Louis or Lou.” Liam grinned at him.

“How was your first day?”

“Not so bad. It’s going to take some getting used to, but I think I’ll like it. Although . . . there was this one student in my first class . . .” Liam hesitated.

“I hate to gossip about students, but . . . who was it? Maybe I know them.”

“Harry.” Louis paused. “Styles.” Liam’s eyes widened.

“You have Harry Styles first class?” Louis nodded, slightly weirded out and worried at Liam’s reaction. “You teach second year English?” Louis nodded again.

“Yeah . . .” he said slowly. Liam’s face eventually relaxed and he smiled again.

“Tough break, mate. Harry Styles is a bit of a rebel. Smart kid, just doesn’t like authority too much.” Louis eyed Liam cautiously.

“Well, that’s not too bad . . . Are you sure that’s it? Why did you freak out so much?” Liam chuckled nervously.

“Well, ah. You also have Danielle, don’t you? Peazer.” Louis nodded slowly. Liam cleared his throat and looked down at his hands.

“What about her?” Louis finally urged. Liam hesitated.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Um . . . yeah.” Liam rocked back on his heels.

“Danielle and I are . . . like, together,” he mumbled. Louis furrowed his brow.

“Why do I have to keep it a secret? You don’t seem that old.” Liam chuckled.

“No, no, it’s not age. I’m 27 and she’s 24, so it’s nothing like that. It’s against school policy. Professors aren’t supposed to date students.”

“That sucks,” Louis said as his brow furrowed. “How long have you guys been together?” Liam’s mouth turned up into a wide grin and his eyes turned slightly dreamy.

“Almost a year, now. She was in my chemistry class first year . . .” Liam sighed. “Don’t fall in love with a student, Louis. Hiding your relationship is the worst thing you’ll ever have to do.” Louis nodded.

“I would imagine so.” Liam watched him for a second, then smiled.

“Let me know if you need any help around here. The campus can get pretty confusing.”

“Thanks, but my best friend and my roommate goes here. I’ve known him for twelve years and he’s pretty much explained the entire school to me, down to every nook and cranny.” Louis grinned at Liam to show that he was still grateful for the offer. Liam didn’t seem hurt by Louis declining.

“He doesn’t live in a dorm?”

“Nah, he lives in those apartments that are just right off campus. You know the ones? With the big fountain out front. I walked here this morning. It’s closer than some dorms, really.” Liam nodded.

“Yeah, those. Sometimes I forget they’re not dorm buildings to be honest.”

“Speaking of, I better get going. Long day.” Liam nodded.

“Right. See you tomorrow, Louis.

Liam left and Louis stayed in his office for a bit more to organize his desk some and then started to walk to the flats.


	2. Chapter 2

“Niall?” Louis called.

“In here,” he heard the Irish accented voice call from the kitchen. Louis walked into the kitchen and was greeted with a warm, bready smell that made his mouth water. “I figured you’d be home late, so I ordered a pizza. It got here a while ago so I put it in the oven so it would be warm.” Louis chuckled.

“You’re great, Ni.” He playfully ruffled the blonde boy’s hair and stooped down to open the oven door. He grabbed a slice of pizza and slid the box back in.

“How was your first day?” Niall asked, hopping up on the counter and swinging his legs in an endearingly childish way. Louis grinned and chuckled at how cute his best friend was.

“It was alright. It’s going to take some getting used to.” Niall nodded.

“Any interesting students?” He cocked an eyebrow suggestively and Louis gave his shoulder a nudge.

“Well . . . not interesting in _that_ way, but . . . do you know Harry Styles?” Niall’s face quickly changed from carefree to concerned as he hopped off the counter and rushed over to give Louis a hug.

“Aw, Lou, what did he say?” Niall muttered into Louis’s shoulder. Louis, confused, shook his head and half-heartedly shook the blonde boy off.

“Nothing, I just . . . I guess you know him?” Niall nodded.

“Yeah, I do. Everyone does. He doesn’t exactly have a good reputation.” Louis frowned.

“Why?”

“He’s kind of . . . well . . . he’s kind of a wanker. Okay, he is a wanker. He’s cocky and annoying and he’s really, really homophobic.”

“Ah,” Louis said, not having much of a response for that. Niall gave him a sympathetic pout.

“Did he really not say anything?” Louis frowned as he finished his slice of pizza.

“Well . . . I thought I heard him say something after class. Oh, actually, he came up to me after the bell and asked me if I was gay.”

“What’d you say?” Niall asked, tensing slightly. He was extremely defensive of his friends.

“I told him it was none of his business. And he basically left after that. I thought I heard him say ‘fag’ under his breath, though.” Niall let out a disgusted sigh and began to pace around to living room of their flat.

“He’s such a tosser. He has no right to say that to you. Sometimes I just want to –“ Louis rushed over to Niall and placed a calming hand on his shoulder.

“Niall, it’s nothing to get worked up over. I survived. It didn’t, like, hurt me or anything.” Niall sighed.

“I just really don’t like him. And you know how hard it is for me to dislike anyone.” Louis chuckled.

“Yeah, I do. Don’t let him get to you. He didn’t get to me.” Niall grinned at him.

“Yeah, you’re right. As long as you’re okay, Lou.” Louis ruffled Niall’s hair as he laughed.

“I’m fine, Nialler.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As Louis lay in bed that night, he wondered if he really was okay. He’d never been insulted for his sexuality. Then, what did it matter if one of his students insulted him? He was supposed to be able to ignore those.

Wasn’t he?

Louis sighed. He really needed to sleep. It was almost midnight and first class started at 7:15. But the curly-haired boy kept nudging his way back into Louis’s mind. Louis couldn’t stop thinking about the look of blatant hate in his eyes, the way his fists were clenched angrily, and the way his voice was low and fiery when he spoke to him. Yet his brain kept reminding him that the way the green eyes flashed was extremely attractive; that the way the chocolate curls bounced with each step made his stomach clench.

Louis groaned a little too loudly, grabbed his pillow, and threw it off the side of the bed. It hit the wall with a satisfying thump. He glared through the dark at the ceiling for a moment until he heard the familiar gasping laughter weaving its way through his doorway.

“Louis, mate!” Niall called from his bedroom. “You got someone in there, or are you soloing it?” He paused. “Either way, keep it down. _I’ve_ got school tomorrow.” Louis blushed in the dark and scowled.

“I’m not wanking, Niall, so you can shut up.” Niall heard the embarrassment in his best friend’s voice and his laughter grew even louder. Louis glared up into darkness for a minute before becoming infected by Niall’s contagious laughter. He closed his eyes and let out a couple chuckles in defeat before throwing his covers off and dashing into Niall’s room. He jumped on the blonde boy’s bed and proceeded to tickle him. Niall yelped and tried to protest, grabbing Louis’s hands, but to no avail. Louis tickled the other boy until he was gasping and pleading Louis to stop. He finally took mercy on Niall and plopped onto the bed next to him. Niall glared at him, breathing heavily.

“Why did ya do that?” he asked between breaths.

“Because I felt like it.” Niall gave Louis’s shoulder a small shove.

“Get out of my bed.” He glared at the older boy menacingly, but Louis just chuckled and wrapped Niall in a tight hug.

“You love me.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Too bad, I’m not leaving.” Niall groaned. Louis eventually let go and Niall didn’t try to push him out, so he stayed and eventually drifted to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis trudged into his class fifteen minutes before first bell. He hadn’t slept well at all, but luckily the university was easy on dress code and he was dressed in dark jeans and a short-sleeved white button-up shirt. His hair was down in a feathered fringe and there were faint dark circles under his eyes. As he reached his desk, he plopped down in his chair, set his shoulder bag on top of the desk, and rested his head on top of it. He balanced on the edge of unconsciousness for a bit before he heard a faint clicking sound. Louis snapped his head up to see Eleanor Calder. She was clad in a loose, cropped black tank top and high-rise white pants with black stripes that clung to her legs and made them seem much longer than they had yesterday. The source of the clicking was her ankle-height black boots. Her hair was slightly thinner and straighter than the day before, still parted in the middle with blonde tips. She hesitantly set her bag down on top of the same desk she’d sat in the day before. Louis yawned and offered her a small smile. She grinned back.

“Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson.”

“Good morning, Eleanor.” Louis’s voice was thick with lethargy but it didn’t seem to faze her.

“How do you like being a teacher so far?” Louis sighed. He was so _tired_.

“It’s alright. It’s going to take some getting used to but–“ Louis was interrupted by the door being slammed open. Perrie stormed in, pausing when she took notice of the lack of occupants in the room. Louis smiled at her and gestured slightly with his head for her to enter. She hesitated but walked briskly to the desk she’d been in the previous day. She seemed a bit more together, her blonde hair was down and wavy and she was wearing a white graphic t-shirt under a light blue denim jacket, a similar shade of denim jeans, and black combat boots. The conversation between Eleanor and Louis ceased as a few more students trickled in.

Louis got up, walked around his desk, and leaned against the edge of it. The next student through the door was Zayn Malik. His outfit was remarkably similar to Perrie’s; really, the only difference was that his denim jacket had no sleeves and his white t-shirt bore no design. Louis noticed Perrie tensing as Zayn walked past her desk. Again, Zayn showed no notice of Perrie’s very existence as he sat down. The warning bell rang and the majority of the students began to enter the class. Louis watched each of them, noticing Danielle again, but not seeing Harry. He sighed. He wasn’t sure if he wanted the curly-haired boy to be present or not. Why was he even looking for him? Louis shook his head and checked his watch. He had it set with the school clock. Fifteen seconds to the bell. He watched the seconds tick down as the students chattered in the background. _Eight . . . seven . . . six . . ._ Louis’s head snapped up to the sound of the door opening. Harry Styles rushed in, clad in a black Ramones t-shirt and black skinny jeans. Louis’s stomach lurched as the mop of curls bounced to the seat next to Zayn. They two boys talked as the bell rang and Louis snapped his gaze away, forcing himself not to stare. He thought he heard a small giggle from the left corner where Eleanor sat but he told himself to ignore it.

Louis didn’t have much to teach that day; he was too tired to start their first novel, so the day was pretty much the same as the first. Louis allowed the last ten minutes to be reserved for questions for him. He enjoyed answering the majority of the questions, some were about his family, and he gave the class a fairly detailed summary of his little sisters. Some of the girls cooed at the cute stories of the twins and Louis really was enjoying himself until he noticed Harry’s lanky arm in the air. He took a small breath and nodded his head towards the lad.

“Harry?” Harry had a condescending smirk on his face as he slowly lowered his hand. He glanced over at Zayn, who didn’t meet his eyes.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” His voice was lazy, lilting. He sat back, totally relaxed in his desk as he smirked at Louis knowingly. Louis’s hands curled around the edge of his desk and his jaw tightened. He forced himself to bite back the instinct to a sassy remark and took a deep breath.

“I hardly think that’s any of your business.” He glared an icy glare at Harry until the bell rang a moment later. Harry’s smirk widened and he grabbed his bag, walking out with Zayn. The other students rose more slowly. Perrie remained in her desk for a minute, watching Zayn as he walked in front of her, then shook her head and hurried off. Eleanor watched Harry with a disgusted look and her shoulders moved with a visible sigh.

Louis waited until his students left before he sank down onto his knees, shaking. He sat back on his feet and gripped his knees. He had time to get himself together; next class started in fifteen minutes. He took a few shaky breaths and ordered himself not to cry in the front of the classroom. Why did it bother him so much? Why did it matter if he had a homophobic kid? He couldn’t think of an answer.

The door slid open again, but Louis didn’t hear it. He was unaware the there was anyone else in the room until he heard shoes padding across the floor just a few feet away from him. His head snapped up and his eyes met the ones of Liam. Louis exhaled in relief that it wasn’t a student and Liam stood there in front of him for a bit. It began to get awkward and Louis grasped for something to say.

“I . . . uh . . .” Liam offered no response, but simply sat down criss-cross next to Louis as if it was the only logical thing to do.

“Danielle told me I might want to come check on you,” he stated. Louis didn’t answer. “Are . . . are you okay?” Louis sighed softly.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess. I’ve never had anything like that happen before. Everyone’s always been so accepting.” Liam nodded.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me, nothing even remotely close.”

“I guess all I can do is ignore it.” Liam nodded sympathetically.

“Let me know if you need any help.” Louis nodded. There was a pause and Liam suddenly gathered Louis into a comforting hug. Surprised, Louis didn’t respond at first, but then relaxed into the embrace and reciprocated it. He really was grateful he had another friend besides Niall.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS NOTE~~~~~~  
> THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING. Please don't read it if you're easily triggered for self harm or other things. I don't know, I'm not really an expert on triggers, so... use your best judgement? Please? I don't want anyone to get hurt. x  
> On the other hand...  
> LOOK AN ACTUAL PLOT IS STARTING WOW! Sorry for not updating very often, thanks soooo much for the hits, everyone! This chapter is longer than the others; I'm not sure how well I did on it or how realistic it is... but... hope you like it :) Thanks for reading, I love you.x

The next few months passed without much change. Louis got settled in his teaching rather nicely. The students liked him, he liked the majority of the students (okay, all but one) and he and Liam became good friends. His friendship with Liam came along with time with Danielle, whom he came to like quite a bit as well. Perrie and Eleanor were both sweet, smart girls and he enjoyed having them as students. He even came to like Zayn, who produced original and surprisingly thoughtful essays and seemed to enjoy much of the deeper reading.

Harry was a different story. He was intelligent, quite so, but he continued to make indirect and occasionally direct pokes at Louis’s sexuality. Louis tried to brush it off but each time it dug a little deeper. The curly haired boy’s face seen to grow smugger and smugger with each wince he got out of his teacher. Liam tried to help him, but none of the advice or comforting words he gave seemed to make much of a difference.

Niall wasn’t really much of a help. He got upset when Louis talked to him about Harry, getting angry and muttering about how he’d like to knock some sense into Harry Styles, but other than that, he was more distracted with his new love interest. Louis honestly had been shocked when Niall had first told him. Niall had never really had a steady girlfriend, but he told Louis they’d been going for three weeks, and that was two months ago.

It was the time of year that Louis loved most. The weather was cold, but not cold enough for snow. All the branches had abandoned their leaves and were now a mass of crooked lines that jabbed their way up into the air. He always found something beautiful about the pointy branches that tangled together. One night, Niall and Louis were cozied up in their flat with warm mugs of tea. Louis had been teasing Niall about being so secretive about his new lover and Niall laughed each one of the remarks off, but was less open than usual.

“Really, though, Nialler, what’s she like?” Louis raised his eyebrows as he took a sip of tea. Niall looked into his own mug for a minute before answering.

“Have you ever known someone who everyone thinks is one way, but they’re actually totally opposite?” Louis nodded. “Like that.”

“Is that a good thing?” Niall hesitated before answering.

“Yes.” Louis let the subject drop and soon excused himself to bed. Niall waited until no noise came from his mate’s room before he quietly set his cup in the sink, grabbed a coat, and snuck out the door. He walked rather slowly down to the fountain in front of the complex. No one else was there, so he sat down on the edge of the fountain and waited.

It seemed like an eternity before he heard a recognized voice call out to him from about two feet away.

“Hey.” Niall smiled a small smile.

“You’re late.”

“I know.” There was a pause accompanied by a sigh. “My dorm mate wouldn’t shut up. I had to pretend to be asleep so that they would fall asleep so I could sneak out. I’m really sorry.” The voice softened. “You waited for me.” Niall chuckled.

“Of course I did,” he said, standing up, but not turning around. “This is the only time I get to see you.” A hand found its way to his shoulder.

“I’m sorry about that.” The voice was weak and slightly husky. Niall felt a small pain in his chest and whipped around, wrapping his arms around the familiar waist.

“Don’t be.” The corresponding arms found their way around his shoulders and squeezed tightly. They stayed like that for a second, just holding each other, relishing in what they believed could not be. Relishing in the fact that, even though supposed friends, social norms, and family standards may hold you back, you can still have moments of bliss and utter sanctity.

And when they pulled back, Niall felt that everything about the person in his arms was so familiar. The familiar hands that laced themselves behind his neck, the familiar soft pink lips that brushed against his just once, the familiar tousled black hair that he loved to snake his fingers into, and the familiar warm brown eyes filled with forbidden emotion of Zayn Malik.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis sat up in his bed at 1:32. He glared at the glowing numbers on his clock. His brain refused to let him slip back to sleep. He’d been up for about half an hour, tossing and turning and not being able to escape the pushing need to get _outside_ , to walk around, to feel the cold air nipping at his cheeks.

Frustrated, he threw off his covers and slipped into his shoes and a jacket. He snuck past the doorway of Niall’s room which emanated the soft snores of his best mate and slid out the door.

Being outside soothed him. It sated his craving and it felt so nice that he began to just not care if he had class tomorrow. He walked all the way onto campus, finding his way onto his favorite twisting sidewalk. It skirted just around the edges of campus, winding in between trees and eventually bringing you back to where you came from. Louis started out and made it about a fourth of the way down the path before he saw a hunched over figure about ten yards away from him. He froze. The figure didn’t seem threatening. It appeared to be a student on their knees, bent over slightly. He decided to approach in case it was a student in trouble. There were a few streetlights that provided him enough light as he got closer to recognize the unmistakable mop of curls. The boy didn’t notice him and he hesitantly stepped closer. He took a quiet, deep breath.

“Harry?” The boy whipped around, almost falling over with the sudden movement. He quickly made it to his feet, but Louis noticed a dark mark on his light grey sweatpants where his hand had been.

“Oh, uh, Mr. Tomlinson . . .” he stuttered. His voice was weak and sounded strangely vulnerable. Louis slowly took another step closer.

“Harry? Did . . . Are you alright?” Harry took a shaky breath and jerkily nodded. Louis stepped closer so that they were within conversation distance. “Are you sure?” He looked down. “Because that . . . Harry, is that blood?” Harry’s lower lip trembled and his fist clenched. Louis noticed that his fist was too covered in crimson. “Oh my god . . . did you hurt yourself?” His older brother instincts took over at the blood and he decided it didn’t matter if Harry was horrible to him, he clearly needed help. “Come on,” he urged softly, reaching for the hand that wasn’t blood stained. Harry didn’t protest, so he grabbed it.

They didn’t speak on the way to Louis’s flat. Louis’s mind was too busy reeling and he was too focused on getting Harry bandaged up before he bled too much.

When they reached the flat, Louis opened the door and ushered Harry in, then went to softly close Niall’s door before returning to the den and flipping the light switch. Harry stood awkwardly in the center of the room, eyeing his red-streaked hand. Louis put a hand on Harry’s back and guided him to the gray couch, motioning for him to sit. Harry obeyed, not meeting Louis’s eye. Louis didn’t think of it and went to wet a towel from the bathroom. When he returned, Harry was in the same position: sitting on the edge of the couch, hand resting palm-up on his knee. Louis sat beside him and cautiously reached for Harry’s bloody hand. Harry placed his hand in Louis’s and Louis carefully began to dab at his hand, still not sure where the wound was.

“’S not there,” Harry muttered. Louis’s head jerked up, surprised that Harry had spoken.

“What?”

“The cut . . . the cuts. They’re not on my hand. They’re up . . . right by my elbow.” He took a shaky breath. Louis finished wiping off Harry’s hand and refolded the towel so that a clean side faced out. He reached the sleeve of Harry’s sweat shirt, hesitating before he touched it. The younger lad nodded, realizing what he was unsure of. Louis cautiously rolled up the sleeves until they rested on Harry’s bicep (the sweatshirt really was big, he hadn’t noticed before). He tried not to react at how much half-dried blood covered Harry’s arm. He noticed one straight line near the very crease of his elbow, but there had to be more. There was no way one cut could cause that much blood.

He carefully began to dab away the blood, refolding the towel every so often. Harry watched the cautious movements of the towel. He winced when Louis got about halfway to his elbow. Louis’s stomach clenched. Was half of his arm covered in cuts? He continued to dab away the blood, but did it as softly as possible now. When he’d gotten almost all the blood away, he looked at Harry’s arm in full proportion and almost gasped. These weren’t just cuts. These were self-harm marks. And they weren’t just self-harm marks. They weren’t the type of cuts that easily wiped away blood bubbles formed at. These were they types of cuts that blood _spilled_ out of. The type that blood flowed out of, the type that was the source of streaming red rivers coursing down unsliced virgin skin. And half of Harry’s arm was covered in them. Louis swallowed thickly. He continued to wipe away the blood softly and couldn’t help but notice the precision of each mark. Each one was equal length, all lined up right on top of each other like a spaced out deck of cards. He finally got rid of all the blood and allowed Harry’s hand to drop out of his grasp. Harry still wouldn’t look at him; his gaze was trained on a spot on the floor. Louis watched him for a second, trying to figure out what to do from here.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Harry’s voice cut through the silence like a knife. Louis couldn’t identify the emotion behind it – it seemed almost like frustration.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” Louis could think of no other answer.

“I don’t deserve it. I haven’t done anything to earn the way you’re treating me. I’ve done the opposite.” Louis’s chest constricted and a small lump threatened his throat. He slowly placed his hand on top of the numerous cuts, his touch feather-light.

“That doesn’t mean you deserve _this_ ,” he whispered. He saw Harry’s lip pulled slightly into his mouth like he was biting it, and suddenly the green eyes snapped into contact with his.

“How do you know?” He spat out at Louis. “You don’t know the kind of things I’ve done. You don’t know who I am. You don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Louis almost drew his hand away, but stopped when he realized that Harry hadn’t yanked his arm away himself. Why not? Harry seemed pretty angry. It then came to Louis’s attention that his gaze had wandered to his lap, and he quickly brought it back to Harry, who was now looking down at his own arm. The younger boy’s hand flew up quickly to wipe at his face, and Louis became aware the he was crying. His heart broke at the sight. It was difficult to watch, the seemingly confident and self-assured boy turned vulnerable and broken. He felt an overwhelming amount of empathy for Harry and unthinkingly pulled him into an embrace. He couldn’t help but notice the way that the seemingly large boy folded easily into him, his head of curls fitting snugly into Louis’s neck.

Louis froze as soon as he realized what he’d done and let his arms fall from the boy awkwardly.

“Um. Sorry,” he said, but Harry didn’t move from his position.  After a moment he felt a tug on his shirt and realized that is was Harry’s hand clenching the material. The younger boy slowly scooted closer with a sniffle and pushed slightly into Louis, who cautiously brought his arms back up to their previous position. When he received no protests, he tightened his arms. Harry let out a shaky breath and Louis’s heart clenched. He’d never thought about the cocky boy having a vulnerable side.

After a bit, Louis slowly pulled away. Harry shifted as well but kept his eyes down. Louis hesitantly let his hand drift to the dark red mark on Harry’s sweats. It wasn’t as bad as he’d originally thought; it was only about the size of his palm.

“I can get that out for you, if you want. I understand if you don’t want to go home . . . It’s cold and you didn’t bring a jacket, did you? If it’s not too weird for you, I have some sweats you can borrow . . .” Harry’s hand traced the outline of the crimson stain and he nodded. Louis took a breath and rushed to get a pair of sweats from his room. He returned with them and handed them to Harry, who stood and took them.

“The bathroom’s right there,” Louis said quietly, pointing. Harry walked off without a word. Louis sank down onto the couch and put his head in his hands. The night had taken such a drastic turn. He couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t gone out. The thought of Harry, alone and arm blood-streaked, on the path on campus was sketched into his brain. He heard the door open and rocketed into a standing position. Louis held his hands out for the sweatpants and Harry obediently handed them over. He rushed into the kitchen and hurriedly scrubbed the stain with cold water and his favorite miracle stain remover. It came out remarkably quickly and he set them out on the dryer on his way back to the den.

Harry was awkwardly standing in the center of the room and Louis debated in his mind for a split second, then beckoned to Harry, motioning for him to follow. He obeyed without a word and Louis couldn’t help but wonder what thoughts were running through the head of curly hair. They reached the door to Louis’s bedroom and he opened the door, gesturing for Harry to come in. Louis followed him, leaving the door open.

“This is my room . . . you can sleep in here.” Harry opened his mouth to protest and Louis shook his head. “Look, it’s fine. Let me put some medicine on your cuts and I’ll be out.” Louis went back out into the bathroom and quickly returned with a tube of triple antibiotic. Harry was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his arm upturned on his leg, tracing the cuts lightly. Louis went to sit next to him, being careful not to sit too close, and gently touched his arm. Harry obliged, moving his arm into Louis’s waiting hand. Louis spread the cream over the cuts and counted them as he did so. He counted fourteen cuts and pursed his lips. Neither of them moved for a moment until Louis suddenly looked over at Harry. His face was much closer than Louis expected, and they were suddenly less than six inches apart. Harry’s eyes were full of an emotion Louis couldn’t identify with a hint of fear. He looked down and cleared his throat.

“Um. So . . . tell me if you need anything,” he said, standing awkwardly. Harry’s head snapped up to look at him and his mouth dropped open slightly.

“Could you – um – if it’s not too weird . . . I mean, I just . . .” Louis cocked his head.

“What is it?”

“Could you . . . could you stay with me?” Harry’s hands were clenched in fists, gripping the sweatpants he was wearing and Louis could see his cheeks burning red even in the dimly lit room. “I don’t want to – to sleep alone.” He looked back up at Louis through his eyelashes and Louis’s heart stopped.

“Yeah, sure,” he responded without thinking.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis wasn’t sure how they’d ended up that way. All he knew was that it was 3:16 and there was a peacefully breathing Harry in his arms, nuzzled into his neck. He didn’t _want_ to like this. He didn’t _want_ to like the way the lanky boy folded into his arms, or the way his curls tickled his jaw. He didn’t _want_ to fall for a student, especially the student who’d caused him so much pain in the first months of his teaching career. But there was just something about the boy that made Louis’s mind keep flashing back to the blood covered arm and the innocent, scared green eyes.

“Louis?” Harry mumbled, barely audible. Louis’s heart lurched into his throat at the use of his first name.

“Yes?” There was no response for a few minutes and he figured he must have imagined it. He allowed himself to nestle into the chocolate curls.

A few minutes later, Louis heard a few quiet mumbles coming from under his chin. He pulled back slightly to look at the younger boy. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly parted. A moment passed before he made any sound again, but this time, the word was clear.

“Louis.” Louis’s fingers pressed slightly into the other boy’s back at his name. A sudden gasp escaped Harry’s mouth and Louis thought he felt a small bit of wetness on his neck. Harry muttered something else Louis couldn’t hear and didn’t talk for a few minutes. Louis sighed, frustrated. He wished he could know what was going on in the boy’s mind. He wasn’t even sure if Harry was asleep. An idea struck him, and before he could think through it rationally, he took a hand and threaded it into Harry’s curls, tugging slightly. The boy offered no response. Yup. Asleep. Louis sighed again, impatient for more sleep talking. He didn’t have to wait long, Harry soon began to murmur unintelligibly again.

“Louis.” His name was spoken so clearly that it was unmistakable. Louis’s stomach somersaulted. Before he could decide what to do, Harry spoke again.

“Louis.” His voice was quiet, almost frightened-sounding. “’M sorry.” Harry sighed in his sleep. “So sorry.” His voice broke and Louis’s heart shattered into a million pieces. He suddenly felt guilty for every bad thing he’d ever thought about the younger boy, every drop of dislike that ever tainted his heart. His arms tightened around Harry. He wanted to pull the younger boy in and protect him from every evil in the world. He wanted to keep him safe.

He was in big trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you leave comments you are extremely important to me. x

Louis woke at 5:32, almost twenty minutes before his alarm was set to go off. He and Harry had hardly moved positions since they’d fallen asleep. He carefully wedged his way out of the bed and grabbed his cell to call the uni.

He finished his call and walked into the living room to the sight of a red-cheeked Niall clad in sweats, a t-shirt, and a jacket. Louis’s brow furrowed.

“Were you outside, Ni?” Niall’s mouth opened and closed a couple times before he sighed in defeat.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I was . . . with someone.” Niall couldn’t lie for anything, especially to Louis. Louis laughed.

“Was it your girlfriend?” Niall stiffened. His hand curled into a half-fist nervously.

“Lou?”

“What, Nialler?” Louis cheerily walked into the kitchen and started to get out the stuff for tea.

“What if . . . what if it wasn’t a girl?” Louis froze in his position. What? It wasn’t like sexuality bothered him at all, it was just that he’d thought of Niall as basically terminally straight. He’d never really shown interest in boys, not even curiosity.

“Uh. What?” Louis managed. Niall appeared at the entrance of the kitchen and leaned against the frame.

“What if it wasn’t a girl?” His expression was unreadable. Louis eyed him carefully, looked down, then glanced up again. It wasn’t unreadable, he realized. It was exactly the same look he’d had on his face when he’d told Niall that he liked boys. Insecure, scared, but sure. Louis’s heart when out to him, and he immediately closed the distance between them and encased Niall in a tight hug. Niall returned the embrace and heaved a sigh that Louis felt to his very core.

“It’s a surprise, Ni, but you know it doesn’t matter to me,” Louis murmured into the blonde boy’s hoodie. Niall chuckled and squeezed Louis tighter. When they pulled away, Niall gave Louis his familiar happy grin and Louis knew that Niall was just fine.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m taking today off.”

“Why?”

Niall was about to leave for uni, hoodie zipped closed and backpack slung over his shoulder. Louis glanced down at the floor.

“I have some stuff to take care of.” Niall eyed him suspiciously but decided to drop it. He gave a wave and was gone.

Louis sighed and retreated to his bedroom. The still-sleeping Harry was now curled in a ball on his bed and Louis wormed in next to him, picking up his favorite book. The rising sun provided enough light for him to read and he settled into the story.

Harry awoke a couple hours later, at 7:36. He stretched his legs and arms out, a small sound escaping his throat. Louis looked over at him rather fondly.

“Good morning,” he murmured. Harry’s green eyes looked up at him.

“Morning,” he responded, muffled by the pillow.  Louis grinned at how cute the college-age boy was and shifted down so that he was lying on his back next to Harry.

“Did you sleep well?” Harry closed his eyes and gave a half-shrug.

“Slept okay.” Suddenly, he rolled over and rocketed to a sitting position. “Class,” he gasped. “What time is it?” Louis chuckled.

“Don’t worry about class. I called in sick, and you’ll be okay, won’t you? I thought I should let you sleep.” Harry, mind still muddled with sleep, nodded after a moment and plopped back on the bed. The two sat in silence for a bit before Louis turned his head to face Harry.

“Hungry?” Harry grinned mischievously at him.

“Can I cook?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Harry made himself at home in the kitchen, and the resulting omelet was very much worth it. Louis ate readily, starved from his long night. After breakfast, the two sat in a comfortable silence with mugs of tea.

“What class is it right now?” Harry wondered aloud. Louis glanced at the kitchen clock.

“Fourth class.” He groaned. “My least favorite class. The biggest, as well. I feel bad for the sub.” He paused. “What do you have?”

“Psychology.” Louis was taken slightly aback.

“You’re in psychology?” He’d never given much thought to what Harry was studying outside of core subjects. Harry nodded.

“The professor is great. I’ve learned so much . . .” He sighed and turned his cut arm slightly out, looking down at it. “All the things I learn about the brain and mental illnesses and I still . . .” He trailed off and Louis watched him intently.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?”

“Why what?” Louis knew that Harry knew what he was talking about. He knew that Harry was just testing him, seeing how uncomfortable he could make Louis with the question.

“Why do you cut?” Harry pursed his lips.

“Do you mean why, in general, or why, specifically last night?” Louis seriously contemplated this for a moment.

“Why, last night.” Harry sighed.

“One for . . . one for every time I’d done something bad to you.” He licked his lips nervously. “I . . . I wasn’t done. This isn’t near the amount of times . . . I got light-headed and I wanted to go outside. I wanted air. I felt like I was suffocating. I don’t think this was the kind of air that I craved, though . . .” Louis, without thinking, reached his hand out to rest on Harry’s scarred forearm.

“This . . .” He ran his hands over the freshly scabbed lines. “Was because of me?” Harry tensed.

“No, no, no. Not because of you. Nothing because of you. None of it is your fault. Mine. It’s all my fault.” Louis continued to rub his forearm.

“Was this the first time?” he whispered. Harry bit his lip and shook his head. Louis hesitated. “Can – can I see?” Harry appeared startled, but after a moment set his other arm up on the table, pointing at smaller, thinner, almost invisible white lines right near the crease of his elbow. There were only a few, much to Louis’s relief, and they seemed quite old. But then Harry stood up and hiked the side of his shirt up a bit to reveal his right hip. Louis gasped, unthinkingly reaching out to touch the crisscrossing lines with his fingertips. Harry started a little at his touch, but didn’t move away. Louis ran his fingers over the barely bumpy surface. There were over twenty lines, some long, some short, some narrow, some wide, some pale white, and some faded pink.

“Harry . . .” he murmured. “What are these for?” Harry took a deep breath and let his shirt fall back in place. Louis looked up at him.

“For thinking about boys.” Louis’s eyes widened and Harry looked away. Louis stood up slowly, hating their height difference for a moment, and looked at Harry until he brought his green eyes to lock onto his blue ones. A lump formed in Louis’s throat as he saw the fear and pain in them, and he locked his arms around Harry’s waist. Harry returned the embrace hesitantly at first, then pulled Louis tighter to him. They stayed like that for a while before they both pulled away.

“Let’s talk on the couch,” Louis suggested. Harry raised an eyebrow and shrugged, as if to say ‘ _whatever_.’ Louis grinned and motioned for Harry to get their mugs of tea and dashed back into his room to get his comforter. He dragged it out into the den and the two curled up into the warmth with their tea.

“This is the best way to talk about anything like this,” Louis informed Harry cheerily. “Believe me; I have a lot of experience.” Harry smiled at him and nodded. “Why is it so bad to think about boys?” Louis asked, serious now. Harry looked down into his tea.

“It’s not . . .” He groaned. “I don’t know how I feel anymore. It was easier to bury before . . . It’s just like, the way I was raised. My mum and sister are great but my stepdad . . . He married my mum when I was about eight and he’s about the most unaccepting person I’ve ever met. If he knew I ever thought like I do I don’t know what he’d do . . . It wasn’t so bad, before. Before uni. I could be with girls, date girls, I had a few girlfriends . . . But there’s this guy now . . . And I just can’t stop thinking about him . . . And it’s wrong . . .”

“It’s not wrong,” Louis said softly. Harry shook his head.

“Even besides the fact that he’s a boy, I shouldn’t like him, but I’d rather not get into that . . .” He sighed. “I like him a lot, Mist –“ He stopped and gave a half-laugh, half-sigh. “I really don’t want to call you Mr. Tomlinson right now.” Louis laughed.

“Yeah, that’s weird. You can call me by my first name. Louis.” His mind flashed back to the previous night and what Harry had said in his sleep.

“Louis, then.” Harry smiled a small smile. Louis leaned his head back against the cushion. “You shouldn’t be treating me like this, Louis,” Harry said softly. Louis snapped his head back up.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re being so nice. I’ve been nothing but horrible to you.” Harry’s fist clenched on top of his leg. “I don’t deserve . . . all of this.” Louis carefully placed his hand on top of Harry’s and massaged gently until his fist unclenched.

“You don’t have to earn someone being nice to you,” he whispered, leaning in slightly. Harry looked over at him, his eyes full of a deep emotion Louis couldn’t name. “I’m being nice to you because I want to be, not because I think you’ve earned it.” Harry took a small breath, smiled slightly, and nodded. Louis returned a smile and leaned back.

“Now,” he began cheerily, “enough with all of this depressing stuff. You want to watch a movie?” Harry chuckled nervously and nodded. Louis leaped off the couch and dashed over to his collection of DVDs. “What would you like to watch? I’ve got every chick flick ever made.” Louis thumbed through the cases, humming to himself, then gasped. “Have you ever seen Pretty in Pink?” Harry shook his head. Louis clicked his tongue. “That’s what we’re watching, then. No discussion. It’s a must-see.” He popped it into the player and rushed back to the couch. Harry raised an eyebrow at him.

“The title sounds . . . interesting.” Louis laughed loudly.

“It’s not as gay as it sounds, trust me. It’s a John Hughes movie. From the 80s. They knew how to make a movie in the 80s.” Harry shrugged, then trained his attention to the screen as the first scene began to play.

Although it was one of Louis’s favorite movies, he’d had so little sleep that he drifted in and out of consciousness through the first half. But he felt something on his shoulder and his eyes slid open to look down at the brown curls nestled into his neck. He smiled a small smile and cautiously rested his cheek on top of the younger boy’s head. Harry didn’t move, and Louis softly shuffled a bit closer.

He’d expected to be able to drift back to half-sleep, but something was keeping him up. A nagging sensation kept tugging at him, reminding him of Liam’s words so long ago, years, ages it seemed, since the first day of school. _“Don’t fall in love with a student, Louis. Hiding your relationship is the worst thing you’ll ever have to do.”_ He sighed quietly and pushed the thought aside. All he wanted to do was enjoy the warmth of the boy curled up against him in this moment. Was that too much to ask?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Poor Duckie!” Harry cried when the film ended. Louis chuckled.

“What do you mean?”

“Well she went with that other guy, what was his name? And Duckie had been in love with her for forever and a day, and they were best friends.” He turned his head to pout up at Louis. “Do things like that ever happen in the real world?” Louis had to suppress a smile again at how adorable the university student was. He looked and sounded like a four-year-old sometimes. Louis playfully tugged one of the chocolate locks.

“Of course not, silly. All the Duckies get their happily ever afters and have little duckling children.” Harry grinned up at him. Louis smiled a tiny smile in response, trying to push away the nagging feeling again. What was he _doing_? This was Harry, a boy he had absolutely no positive feelings for until less than twenty-four hours ago. He didn’t want to get any closer to him but at the same time never wanted him to leave the flat. Louis sighed at the idea that Harry would ever have to leave and that this day would have to end. A moment of silence passed and Louis jumped up off the couch.

“Another film?” He asked, pushing unpleasant thoughts out of his mind. Harry nodded and Louis selected one at random, then returned to his seat next to Harry, who cautiously curled up against him again. Louis smiled to himself and quickly threw his arm around the other boy. Harry pushed even closer and let out a small sigh. Louis’s mind froze when the action made his heart skip. He couldn’t be developing feelings for his student . . . could he? He decided to ignore it, too emotionally exhausted to care at this point, and focused on the feeling of the boy under his arm breathing peacefully until his own breathing slowed and he drifted to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Louis awoke to the sound of the flat’s door opening. His eyes snapped up and he glanced over at the clock. _6:42_? They’d slept practically the whole day! Harry was still peacefully asleep under his arm. Louis’s eyes flicked down to Harry’s hand, which had fallen down onto a dangerously high spot on his leg, and he groaned when he noticed the growing problem in his sweats.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” he muttered to himself as he heard the door to Niall’s room open. It was only a matter of time before he came into the den, and Louis had to figure out how to explain why Harry was there, and why he was in the position he was. If Niall saw Harry in their flat without an explanation first, Louis didn’t know what he’d do.

He slowly wormed out from under Harry, making sure the boy didn’t fall too hard onto the couch. He froze when Harry sighed in his sleep and readjusted his position. Louis breathed a sigh of relief when the curly-haired lad didn’t wake up. He tried to quickly dash to Niall’s room as quietly as possible, but the blonde boy was already at the entrance to the den.

“What the –“ Niall began angrily, but Louis hissed at him and shook his head. He hurried over to Niall and pulled the lad back into his own room.

“Don’t . . . freak . . . out . . .” Louis said slowly, closing the door. Niall glared at him warily. Louis let out a small breath and Niall took it as a sign to begin talking.

“What the _hell_ ,” Niall spat out in a whisper, “is _Harry Styles_ doing in our flat, asleep on the couch with you? Are you into abusive sex or something, Lou?” Louis snickered at that suggestion, but Niall pointedly threw a glance at his crotch. Louis’s cheeks reddened and he shook his head.

“It’s not what it looks like, Niall. I promise.” He sighed. “I’ll tell you the story, but I don’t know if you’ll believe it.” Niall simply stared at him, waiting. “Harry’s been here since last night. I went out on a walk at, like, one in the morning. I found him on campus and his arm was covered in blood. I felt bad for him. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t know why myself . . . Something about how scared he looked, I guess. Anyway, I brought him back here and cleaned up his arm.” He lowered his voice even quieter than it already was. “And there were cuts, Niall. Like . . . self-harm cuts. A lot of them. And they were deep.” Louis sighed, his breath wavering a little. “So I let him stay here for the night and he made breakfast and we talked and watched a couple films and fell asleep. And now you’re here.” He said the last part in a rush; he felt like if he kept talking his voice would break or he would start to cry. Niall eyed him warily for a moment before his face softened.

“Really?” he whispered. Louis nodded, biting the inside of his lower lip to keep from bursting into tears right there. Niall didn’t say anything else for a bit and Louis looked up at him, into his soft, knowing blue eyes. And he knew. He knew that Niall knew the confusion he was feeling, the way that his heart skipped when Harry cuddled into him. Niall grinned a sad grin at him and pulled Louis into a loose hug.

“You’re in deep, Tommo,” he muttered, and Louis nodded, wrapping his arms tightly around his best mate. He kept his arms there even when Niall’s started to loosen and the other boy cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Not that I don’t love you, Louis, but, uh . . . This is a bit awkward with your, um . . . problem.” Louis coughed a laugh and pulled away. “You might want to do something about that before our guest wakes up,” Niall suggested as he left the room. Louis sighed in frustration and slipped down the small hallway into the loo. He felt incredibly awkward wanking with a student in the flat, so he opted not to do that and tried to think of something unappealing. Girls always seemed to work for him, but never without a specific example. He racked his mind for someone, but was coming up blank. The curly-haired boy in the den kept worming back into his head; images of the perfect pink lips and broad shoulders invading his mind. Finally, a girl popped into his head and he almost laughed. He felt bad, she was perfectly nice and pretty enough, but she was a girl and he was gay and desperate for something unappealing to himself, so he squeezed his eyes shut and let images of Eleanor Calder fill his brain. Louis snickered when his erection died down and ignored the pang of guilt that touched his stomach. He slipped out of the bathroom and sat farther away from Harry on the couch so as not to wake him.

The younger lad slept for about half an hour before his eyes fluttered open. Louis put down the game he’d been playing on his phone and scooted closer to Harry, who met him part of the way and rested his head on Louis’s leg.

“Hello,” Louis hummed, hesitantly tugging at a couple of brown curls.

“Hi,” Harry murmured. “What time is it?”

“7:27.” Harry shot up to a sitting position.

“Really?” he asked incredulously, sleep still clouding his voice. Louis chuckled and nodded. “Won’t Niall be home soon? Should I go?” Louis gently threaded his fingers into Harry’s curls again and guided his head back down to its previous spot.

“Don’t worry about it. Niall’s fine with you being here. I already talked to him.” Harry sighed, then absentmindedly began picking at the fabric of Louis’s sweats.

“And you don’t . . . you don’t mind me being here, do you?” Harry sounded like a little kid again, innocent and slightly scared. Louis massaged Harry’s scalp with his fingers in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

“Not at all, Harry. I promise.” Harry sighed.

“This is really going to mess up my sleep schedule. I’m not tired at all and I’m supposed to go to bed in about three hours.”

“You could always stay here and talk to me all night,” Louis said, a hint of joking coloring his tone, but he secretly hoped that Harry wouldn’t reject the idea. The other boy was silent for a moment before he twisted his head to look up at Louis.

“That sounds great, really,” he mumbled. Louis grinned down at him and bumped his leg so that Harry would lift his head.

“Let’s go, then,” he gushed, pulling Harry back into his bedroom. The curly-haired boy gave an unsure smile as they sat down together on the bed. Louis flicked off the lamp and switched on his small telly. He put it on mute and Harry gave him a questioning look.

“For light,” Louis explained. “The light from a telly is always better at times like this.” Harry chuckled nervously and drew his knees up to his chest. Louis smiled to himself yet again at how adorable the college student was and leaned back, resting his weight on his hands.

“Want to play Truth or Dare?” Harry’s voice came to him sounding small and hesitant. Louis paused and grinned widely at him.

He nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of Larry angst and bit of Ziall smut enjoy

Niall was curled up on couch with his headphones in when he felt his phone buzz against his foot.

_I need to be with you right now._

Niall’s brow creased and a bit of worry edged into his tummy. Zayn didn’t usually send serious messages like that. He actually hardly ever texted at all, besides an occasional ‘good morning’ or ‘I miss you.’ He began to tap out his reply hesitantly.

**Alright… but you might not want to come here.**

_Too late… almost at your door. x_

Niall panicked slightly, about to send a hurried warning of Harry’s presence at the flat, but a few quick taps on the door interrupted his typing. He scurried to the door, hoping no one else in the flat heard the knocks, at tried to swing it open as quickly and quietly as possible. He hardly even got a chance to look at Zayn before he was pushed back, the door was shut, and he was pinned up against it. One of Zayn’s hands trapped both of his own and they were held between the two boys’ chests. The darker boy brought his face so close to Niall’s that he was positive he was going to get kissed, but Zayn simply kept them like that for a moment, hot breath brushing across Niall’s lips. His eyes didn’t meet the Irish boy’s; instead, stayed trained on his partially parted lips.

“I had,” he breathed, “a horrible day.” He paused, then allowed their lips to touch, but applied no pressure. Niall didn’t dare to try and push against Zayn’s lips as the other boy continued to speak with their mouths still touching, but he did enjoy how soft his lips were. “I want you to make me forget all about it,” he purred into Niall’s half open mouth, voice husky.

Neither of them moved at all for a moment until Niall realized that Zayn had dropped his hand from around his own wrists. He used their position to slide his hands up to rest on either side of Zayn’s jaw and pulled him into a hard, needy kiss. Zayn responded immediately, sliding his own hands onto Niall’s waist and pushing their bodies together. The two let their lips and tongues slide together for a bit before Zayn pulled away to trail open-mouthed kisses down Niall’s neck and up his jaw.

“Zayn,” Niall sighed, a curly-haired visitor bleeping like an alarm in his brain. The reminder was almost pushed away when Zayn nipped at his earlobe, but he forced himself to concentrate.

“Zayn,” he tried again, knotting his fingers into the dark hair. “Wait. Stop.” The other boy reluctantly pulled away, a slightly dejected look in his eyes.

“Is something wrong?” he mumbled, looking down at Niall’s shoulder, collarbone, jaw, anything but his eyes. Niall realized what Zayn thought had happened and his eyes widened and he shook his head.

“No, no, silly,” he reassured, pressing a light kiss to Zayn’s lips. “It’s just that, uh, someone’s here and . . .”

“Who?”

“Um . . . Harry. Styles.” Zayn’s eyes widened and Niall bit his lip. He really didn’t want Zayn to leave, but he had a feeling that was what he would do.

“Shit,” Zayn muttered under his breath, his fingers clenching slightly on Niall’s waist. Zayn seemed to think for moment, then snapped his eyes up to Niall.

“Will anyone come in your room if we go in there?” A small mischievous smile played on Niall’s lips.

“No . . . but . . . we’d have to be quiet.” Zayn grinned and grabbed Niall’s hand.

“Let’s go,” he insinuated, pulling the blonde boy into his room. He shut the door swiftly but silently and grabbed Niall’s waist. He pulled the other boy back to him, backing himself up against the shut door. Niall pressed their lips together and smiled into the kiss as he pushed Zayn back against the door with his hips. Zayn let out a soft moan and took the other boy’s bottom lip between his teeth.

“Shh,” Niall shushed Zayn, giggling. He threaded his fingers into the other boy’s black hair and pulled, causing Zayn to press his mouth into Niall’s neck to muffle his sound of pleasure. He used the position to suck a small mark into the blonde boy’s neck.  Niall broke away and tugged Zayn back onto the bed. They bumped into the wall, which made a small thumping sound, and they froze. They barely heard snickering from the opposite side of the wall and Niall sighed and rolled his eyes.

“They probably think I’m wanking,” he muttered. Zayn grazed his earlobe with his teeth.

“You don’t need to, with me here,” he murmured. Niall gasped quietly and rolled on top of Zayn, crashing their lips together. He quickly began to grind his hips down, seeking friction. Zayn met his thrusts, clumsy at first, then more rhythmic. The two bulges in their jeans met again and again, and Zayn let out a small moan at the feeling. The movements of their hips became messier, more filled with need, and Niall bit back a sound as he felt the familiar curl of heat in his stomach. He could tell Zayn was just as close underneath him by the way his hands gripped onto the Irish boy’s sides. His eyes fluttered open and met Niall’s blue ones, and the pupils were full-blown with lust and his lips were parted, shallow breaths escaping and he was just so _perfect_ , and Niall was rocking against him and he was returning the movement and his body was so lean and fluid in motion and it pushed Niall over the edge as he spurted hot into his trousers. He bit into Zayn’s neck as he rode his high, still rocking slightly, and the darker boy soon followed, pressing his fingers into Niall’s back as he came.

When they finished, they stayed in their position, panting, until Niall tried to roll off of the boy beneath him so they could clean up and cuddle. Zayn brought his arms up to wrap around him and he tightened his grip so that Niall couldn’t move. Niall hesitated but wormed his way down so that he could rest his head on Zayn’s chest. He sighed contentedly. The two were silent for a while before Zayn spoke.

“I wish we didn’t have to be a secret, Niall,” He whispered, his voice sounding weak and innocent. Niall’s hand clenched around the material of Zayn’s shirt and he turned to press a chaste kiss to his chest.

“Me too,” he said, barely audible. Zayn sighed.

“I’m so sorry, Niall. I really am. I shouldn’t have . . .” His voice broke and Niall quickly scrambled up so that he was hovering over Zayn. He pressed small kisses along the darker boy’s jaw, travelling down from near his ear to his chin where he met his lips in a kiss.

“Don’t,” he murmured. “You’re worth it.” He looked into Zayn’s eyes for a moment before he moved so that he was lying next to the other boy and curled into his side. Zayn responded naturally and tucked the Irish boy into his body, where he fit perfectly. They remained quiet for a bit until Niall spoke.

“Are you going to tell me why you had a bad day?” he asked softly. Zayn pursed his lips.

“Maybe . . . not now. I just want to stay like this now. This is nice.” Niall nodded and nuzzled into Zayn’s neck, allowing his eyes to shut and his mind to dip in and out of unconsciousness.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Truth or dare?”

Harry grinned, looking up at Louis like a happy child.

“Are you getting tired of this yet? It’s almost 1 AM . . . We’ve been doing this for hours.” Louis smiled and shook his head.

“Honestly, no. We’ve had interesting truths . . .”

“Not many dares, though.”

“I feel like we’ve broken a record. ‘Greatest Number of Continuous Truths in a Game of Truth or Dare.’” Harry wrinkled his nose.

“Who would want to hold that title? Anyway, truth is better sometimes.” Louis nodded in agreement. He’d found out quite a bit about the younger boy. The game had started out fairly light and chaste, with basic questions about family, personality, childhood friends. He’d given his share of background information as well, but about one hour in, the game got interesting. They’d begun to talk about things like sexual experience and preference. Louis had even gotten up the courage to ask Harry about his self-harming. It turned out that the only reason Harry had ever self-harmed was because of his sexuality. He didn’t _want_ to be gay, he’d said, but he couldn’t help it. His family wasn’t exactly understanding. His stepfather was homophobic and his mother had gone into a depression since his father had died. Marrying Robin had made her a little happier, but she was still detached from Harry and his sister, Gemma. Harry had had friends that were raised in strict religious homes and looked down on homosexuality. Louis’s heart really went out to the boy. He’d been confined his whole life, restrained from being the person he really was, and he’d blamed it on himself. Louis found that Harry was actually very scared and vulnerable underneath his cocky exterior. And for some reason, he was now drawn even more toward the urge to protect the younger boy.

“So?” Louis prodded. “Truth or dare?” Harry pretended to hem and haw it over before answering.

“Truth.” Louis chuckled.

“How did I know? Hmm . . . let’s see. Oh, alright. I might as well get this one out of the way because it’s knawing at the back of my brain. Are you a virgin?” Harry didn’t produce a visible physical response to the question, but simply shook his head no. Louis’s stomach fell the slightest bit and Harry looked up at him hesitantly.

“I mean . . . Not with girls. But . . . I am with guys,” he said quietly. Louis pursed his lips and nodded.

“Your turn, then,” he said, not displaying any emotion.

“Truth or dare?” Harry mumbled.

“Truth,” Louis said, without hesitation. Harry didn’t say anything for a second. He seemed to be gathering the courage to say something.

“What’s it like?” he finally asked. “I mean . . . kissing boys. Is it . . . different?” Louis paused for a minute, not sure what to say.

“Yes,” he hedged. “It’s . . . rougher. Girls are . . . gentler. It’s not a bad thing, though.” Harry nodded, looking thoughtful.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you ever kissed a boy?” Louis asked, thinking he knew the answer but not quite sure. Harry chewed his lip for a moment before answering.

“No,” he mumbled. Louis’s heart ached again at how sweet and innocent the boy was. Harry glanced up at him nervously when he didn’t say anything and Louis quickly snapped out of his trance-like state.

“Your turn,” he said, prodding Harry, who smiled quickly.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Louis laughed. “Obviously.”

“Is there anyone you would want to kiss right now?” Harry said with a sheepish look on his face. Louis was taken aback by the question. Was there? Really, the only person he’d had any hint of interest in for a while was . . . Harry. But did he want to kiss him? Or was it just the older brother reaction to a vulnerable person? Louis figured he’d probably want to, just to decide. Harry’s lips looked really soft, anyway . . .

“Yes,” he admitted. Harry raised his eyebrows slightly but offered no response. Louis waited for a moment.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Is there anyone for you?” Harry snorted.

“Louis, I already told you that I liked a guy. Of course I want to kiss him.”

“Is he gay?”

“Yeah.” Harry shifted, looking slightly uncomfortable.

“So why haven’t you done it?” Now Harry looked downright awkward. His mouth opened and closed once and he shook his head.

“I don’t . . . um . . . I don’t think that . . . he feels . . . the same . . . at all,” he managed. Louis cocked his head curiously.

“Who is it?” Harry froze, and Louis could actually see the tension in his body. He didn’t answer for a minute and Louis hesitantly reached out a hand to rest on the boy’s bicep.

“Hey,” he said softly. “It’s alright. Relax. You don’t have to tell me.” Harry’s eyes flicked to meet his own and Louis realized that he was unconsciously leaning forward and their faces were now mere inches apart. Harry didn’t seem bothered by it so he didn’t move. “Are you okay?” he asked. Harry nodded, exhaling slowly. “Good,” Louis said, reluctantly moving away.

“Do you just want to talk? Instead of the truth or dare?” Harry asked suddenly. Louis looked over at him and nodded. The two wiggled down so that they were on their backs, next to each other. They talked for a bit, not really anything important, and Louis found himself with his arm bent at the elbow, perpendicular to the bed with his wrist swirling around in lazy circles. He had no idea what he was doing. Everything was a haze – he was _so tired_.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis’s eyes snapped open what he presumed was a short time later. He didn’t look over at the clock; he just wanted to stay in his position, which was super comfortable. He felt a small movement beneath his hand and realized that it was on Harry’s chest rising and falling. The memory of his arm being half-up was strangely sharp in his mind, and he realized that he must have been awoken by the sudden movement of his hand falling. He was about to move it when he felt a light, almost tickling sensation on the back of his hand. His eyes hadn’t quite adjusted to the dark and he waited as the touch grew firmer and more pronounced. He finally realized that it was Harry’s hand, slowly covering his own, hesitant, as if to keep Louis from waking. Harry finally let his entire hand rest on top of Louis’s and the older boy realized he could feel the repeated beatings of his heart. Did it skip under his fingers, or was he imagining things?

He got the urge to squeeze Harry’s hand, or link their fingers, or give him any kind of sign that he was awake and completely fine with their hands touching, but he knew that if he flipped his hand over like he would have to that the curly haired boy would slip his hand away as quickly as possible. Louis sighed inaudibly and decided to settle for the pleasant warmth of Harry’s fingers over his own. Harry’s thumb rubbed small circles into his hand and Louis’s heart ached. He really didn’t want to get involved with a student, and he really didn’t want Harry’s first relationship to be with a professor. He hoped that Harry could find some chemistry with the guy that he fancied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short chapter, I know. That's why I updated so quickly. I'm working on chapter 6 now, please leave comments! if you comment you get an internet cookie ;) xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to update but I did  
> Comments, comments please! Comments make my days happier.

Harry rushed off the next morning at about 5:50 to go get ready for class. Louis watched him until he reached the official campus and sighed as he shut the curtain.

“I know you’re behind me, Niall,” he said. The Irish boy chuckled and offered Louis a mug of tea when he turned around.

“You’re psychic,” he laughed. Louis nodded. “How was . . . your night?” Niall asked seriously. Louis bit his lip and shrugged slightly.

“It was alright.” Niall raised an eyebrow.

“Alright? Mate, it was either good or bad. And considering the fact that it was Harry Styles, if it had been bad, he would have left a lot sooner.” Louis grinned to himself.

“Yeah, it was pretty good,” he admitted. “But Harry’s not like you think. He’s a lot more human than I’d thought . . . that sounds pretty mean, though.” Niall shook his head.

“No, I know what you mean.” His mind flashed to Zayn and a serious expression occupied his normally cheery face.

Louis decided it wasn’t the time to have another emotionally taxing conversation and went to get dressed. He and Niall walked to the university together, and when they parted ways, Louis decided to pay a quick visit to Liam.

He entered the older professor’s lab room and knocked on the office door.

“Come in,” the familiar voice called. Louis entered and Liam stood up and grinned at him. “Louis!” he greeted. “You’re here early. What’s up?” Louis took a deep breath.

“Remember the advice you gave me? About . . . not falling for a student?” Liam nodded, his face growing serious. “Well . . . I think . . . I might have . . . done that.” Louis rubbed his hands on his pants nervously. Liam sighed and walked around the desk.

“Well,” he said, “if you’re in it, you’re in it. Might as well tell me who, mate.” He smiled a small smile and Louis grinned back.

“Um, actually . . . that’s the worse part.” A look of concern passed across Liam’s face.

“Why? Is he taken? Too young? Straight?” Louis shook his head.

“No, it’s . . . I might as well just say it, I guess. It’s Harry.” Liam’s face froze and Louis rushed on. “Don’t judge me until you hear the whole story okay? I’ll just have to tell you real quick, the warning bell rings soon.” He quickly relayed the story of finding Harry on campus with a  blood streaked arm and swore Liam to secrecy. He didn’t want the word getting out. Liam nodded his promise of silence and ushered Louis out of his class, assuring him that they would talk later. Louis hurried to his room, relieved when he realized that he had a few more minutes before warning bell. A few students, including Eleanor, were already in the room. He waved hello to a few of them and Eleanor fluttered over to his desk.

“Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson,” she chirped.

“Good morning, Eleanor,” he responded. His mind flashed to yesterday and what he’d used the thought of her for and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. She gave him a funny look and he realized that it probably looked like he was smirking at her.

“Why were you absent yesterday?” she asked brightly, plowing through the small awkward silence. Louis smiled an innocent smile at her and gave a small shrug.

“I didn’t feel well. One of those 24-hour things, I suppose. I feel better now.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re back. The sub was awful and it’s just much better when you . . .” He stopped paying attention then, nodding politely every so often but really watching the students file in as she droned on. Perrie and Danielle entered together; they’d been closer in the past few weeks. Zayn came in and sat in his usual desk, but Harry didn’t barge in until the absolute last second, looking slightly out of breath. He swiftly walked to his seat and Eleanor scurried back to her own as the class bell rang. Harry and Louis’s eyes met, and Louis gave the boy a small smile. Harry hesitantly returned it, looking shy and adorable. Louis’s stomach somersaulted and he sighed internally.

The class went smoothly; the students seemed relatively pleased he was back, so that put Louis in a good mood. Before he knew it, the bell rang, and all but two familiar brunettes were out of his room. Louis wondered if Harry noticed the tension in the room as he slowly made his way down towards Louis’s desk. Louis glanced over at Eleanor, who was taking even longer than usual to get out. She eyed Harry for a moment and wrinkled her nose as he reached the front of the room. She paused, then hurried out, and Louis couldn’t help but give a small snort of laughter. Harry rolled his eyes as he got within conversational distance of Louis.

“She hates me,” he muttered. Louis shrugged.

“She doesn’t matter,” he replied. Harry grinned up at him and Louis pretended to be shocked at what had come out of his own mouth. “Don’t tell her I said that,” he said in a mock worried tone. Harry chuckled and shook his head.

“I just wanted to, uh, say something,” Harry mumbled. Louis nodded encouragingly.

“Go ahead,” he nodded. “Say whatever you want.” Harry shuffled his feet slightly.

“I just wanted to say thanks,” he said, looking at the ground. “For letting me stay at your flat. And . . . for everything else.” A wide grin lit up Louis’s face and he pulled the younger boy into an enthusiastic hug.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, still grinning. “And look, you can come anytime. Really, you can come in the middle of the night without any warning. Anytime you need help or . . . if you just want to talk.” Harry nodded into Louis’s shoulder.

“Thanks, Lou,” he murmured. The two finally pulled apart and Harry hurried out of the door, almost running into Zayn.

“What’s up with you?” he asked quietly.

“What . . . um, what do you mean?” Harry asked nervously. Zayn looked at him intensely.

“You know exactly what I mean. First you ditch our plans, then you don’t answer my texts, miss a day of school, now you come back and you don’t make any snide comments to the Tommo? Are you okay?” Harry’s chest clenched a little at the fact that Zayn was asking if he was okay because he hadn’t been mean to Louis.

“I’m – I’m fine,” Harry stuttered. He took a small breath. “Really, Zayn, I’m alright. I just had some personal stuff. Nothing to worry about.” Zayn hesitated, but seemed to accept this. His mind kept replaying Niall saying Harry was at he and Louis’s flat, but he pushed it away. He’d been legitimately worried for his best friend, but at least now he was here and seemingly unharmed.

“What about you?” Harry tried to restart conversation. “How’re you and your girl?” Zayn looked away, then began to walk off in the direction of his class. Harry followed.

“Good,” he said. “Got some personal stuff, too, I guess. Just a bad time of year for everyone.” Harry’s heart beat a little faster at the memory of the way Louis had described this time of year as his favorite. The way he’d put everything Harry had ever taken for granted in such beautiful words had mesmerized the younger boy.

“Yeah,” he said quickly. “I guess it is.” They were silent for a minute while Harry grasped for something to say to make everything seem normal. “Um. Want to do something tonight?”

“Can’t,” Zayn said. “Got some plans.”

“Oh.” Harry was surprised with how vague his mate was being. “Anyone special?” Zayn’s jaw clenched and he reluctantly shook his head no. Harry nodded, not noticing the tension in Zayn, and waved a half-hearted goodbye as they went their separate ways to class.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next two weeks passed uneventfully. Louis’s teaching job was much less stressful without Harry’s harassment. The curly-haired boy didn’t have much contact with him until one night the week before exams.

It was 2:48 AM and Louis was honestly surprised the small taps on the door awoke him. He stumbled out of his bed, wincing slightly when the cold apartment air surrounded his bare torso. He’d taken to wearing nothing but sweats since he’d pulled out his favorite electric blanket. The blanket was warm enough that he didn’t need a shirt, and sometimes even got hot if he wore one. He didn’t even think to pull on a shirt before he ventured out of his room to the door.

The flat door swung open to reveal a vulnerable-looking Harry that immediately made Louis’s heart ache with empathy. They stood looking at each other for a minute, Louis’s brain still trying to process why the boy was at his door. Harry’s lower lip was trembling and his left hand was clamped on the opposite hip just under his shirt.

“I did it again,” he whispered. Louis finally took notice of the other boy’s stature and he snapped to attention. He pulled Harry inside and motioned for him to sit on the couch. He grabbed a wash cloth and the triple antibiotic and went to join Harry on the couch.

“Your waist?” he asked simply. Harry nodded and rocketed to a standing position, hiking his shirt up to expose a small smudged area of blood on his hip. Louis sighed an inaudible sigh of relief that the damage wasn’t near as bad as last time and began to carefully dab at the spot. Harry’s fingers tightened on the hem of his shirt but he didn’t flinch this time. Louis wiped away all the blood and carefully spread cream over the area. He held up a finger for Harry to wait a moment, then dashed into the bathroom and grabbed a Band-Aid. He returned and carefully applied it over the cut. Harry let his shirt fall.

“Is there any on your hand?” he asked, his hand out, which Harry placed his own in. Louis wiped away the light crimson smears and stood.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly. Harry bit his lip, his gaze trained on the floor.

“Yes,” he said, voice hoarse. “But . . . not tonight. I’m exhausted.” Louis nodded, grabbed Harry’s hand, and pulled him towards the bedroom. The two burrowed into the warm blanket, Louis having discarded the wash cloth somewhere along the way. That wasn’t his concern at the moment. After a moment, Louis opened his arms towards Harry, who wordlessly cuddled into them. Louis tightened the embrace and nuzzled his nose into Harry’s hair. The curly-haired boy’s breaths quickly turned deep and spaced-out. Half of Louis’s mind tried to tug him back into sleep, but the other half kept reeling with the thought of Harry feeling empty and helpless and alone, slicing into his skin, watching the blood bubble and spill out of the straight line. He wanted to help. He felt the overwhelming urge to protect the boy tugging at his chest and his arms tightened even more. Harry sighed in his sleep and wiggled impossibly closer. Louis’s heart sparked and flared, sending blood pumping through his veins at an abnormal pace. He really wanted to do something for the boy, but he decided that it was too late and he was too tired. His brain finally slowed down enough for him to drift into a deep sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis awoke the next morning, early again, almost ten minutes before his alarm clock was supposed to go off. Harry lay peacefully in his embrace and Louis smiled into the head of curls. He didn’t want to move, so he pulled Harry tighter to himself and waited until the clock read 6:00 before he sighed and wiggled out of his position. Harry sighed in his sleep. Was it Louis’s imagination or did his expression clench slightly? Louis shook it off and went to turn on the shower.

He turned the water so hot it was almost burning and let the water streak red onto his skin. The hot water hissed a persuasion of relaxation into his ear and he decided he could skip his hair and contacts today. He felt especially clean when he got out, not just physically but also mentally. Exams were soon so he knew he wouldn’t have to be very active in class today. Louis toweled his hair, quickly wiped down his body, and slicked on deodorant. He tucked the towel on his hips and snuck into the bedroom. He went through his dresser as quietly as possible and pulled out a pair of boxers, gray sweats, and a white shirt with blue stripes. He slipped into the boxers and sweats and crossed the room so that he was standing on the opposite side of the bed and set the shirt on his small bookshelf. He rubbed his hair with the towel again and then shook it vigorously. He didn’t want to wake Harry with the hair dryer. He glanced at the clock and sighed. 6:28. He didn’t want to wake Harry, but reluctantly flipped to his gaze to the curly haired boy.

Louis jumped when he found a pair of green eyes staring back at him. The other boy shot into a position and quickly diverted his gaze.

“Uh, I wasn’t, I mean, um . . . sorry. I wasn’t watching . . .” Harry stuttered, trailing off. Louis smiled a small smile and shook his head.

“Don’t sweat it,” he reassured. Harry’s tense body relaxed the slightest bit as Louis slipped his shirt on and went into the bathroom to retrieve his glasses. He winced at the loud snapping sound the case made and looked in the mirror. He almost regretted the decision to stay in the shower, but shook his head and decided to ignore it. They were just college students, anyway.

He returned to the bedroom and flipped on the light switch. Harry groaned and shut his eyes at the light change. Louis chuckled and grabbed his favorite pair of TOMS.

“It’s 6:30,” he informed Harry. “School starts in half an hour, but I can sneak you a late pass if you need longer to get ready.” Harry let out another noise of disapproval and Louis grinned. He really did act like a four-year-old sometimes.

Harry finally sat up, and his eyes widened when he looked at Louis. Louis looked at him for a second, then began to get uncomfortable under the boy’s gaze. He fidgeted with his shirt a little.

“What?” He adjusted his glasses. “Is it too casual or something?” Harry shook his head.

“You wear glasses?”

“Oh.” Louis paused. “Yes. Only when I don’t have time for contacts.” Harry looked at him for another moment then stood up awkwardly.

“Um. Well. Thanks.” Louis smiled.

“Anytime. Do you want to talk today? We didn’t get a chance to last night. There’s a quiet little coffee shop I know . . . Or we could just come here, if . . .” He trailed off, not sure how Harry would respond to the offer, but the curly-haired boy smiled sheepishly and nodded.

“Coffee sounds good.”

“Great,” Louis said, relieved that Harry didn’t freak out. “My last class ends at 4:00.”

“Mine ends at 2:30.”

“So, 4:15? It’s called the Bean Counter. Do you know how to get there?” Harry nodded.

“Yeah, that place. Zayn goes there sometimes. 4:15. I’ll see you.” He rushed out of the room and the door of the flat. Louis was startled at the abruptness, but also slightly relieved because he didn’t want to have to ask Harry not to walk with him to class. He didn’t want to hurt the boy’s feelings, but a teacher and a student coming out of the same apartment complex together might look a bit suspicious.

As Louis walked along the winding path to university, he wondered how he would be able to get through the day in anticipation of meeting Harry at the coffee shop.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek, two updates in one day! Crazy, I know! I was just so excited for this chapter. Trigger warning. Please stay safe. x

Louis drummed on the table with his fingertips. It was 4:13, and there was a delicious cup of chamomile tea in front of him, but he was anxious. What if Harry didn’t come? What if he didn’t come because he thought it was weird of Louis to ask? What if he didn’t come because he was scared? Louis sighed and forced his fingers to lay flat as the minute hand on the clock in front of him inched to 4:14.

The coffee shop was empty. The only waitress Louis had seen was in the back, doing God-knows what. There were no customers, like always. It was difficult to think that the place made enough money to stay open, but Louis secretly loved having the place to himself. He’d found it as a nice way to get away from stresses of teaching. He leaned his head back onto the top of the couch cushion. He also loved the furniture. It was all worn cream and seemed old; not disgustingly old, with dust and a musty smell, but old like worn in tennis shoes that were filled with good memories.

Louis glanced over at the clock, which at that moment turned to 4:15. The second hand slowly but surely began its clockwise journey, reaching the five before the bell on the door signaled a customer. Louis’s head snapped up and whipped around, and he was thrilled to see Harry, hands in his pockets, walking towards him.

“Hi,” he said sheepishly.

“Hi,” Louis responded cheerfully, noticing again how cute the boy was.

“Um.” Harry let out a small – extremely feminine – giggle. “How was your day?” Louis smiled politely.

“It was alright. Not much teaching to do with midterms around the corner.” Harry nodded. “How was yours?”

“It was okay. I was kind of tired. Zayn’s been moody lately.” Louis chuckled.

“I noticed. The poem he turned in was rather . . . dark.” Harry nodded vigorously.

“He writes like that a lot. We’ve been mates since forever and in secondary school his parents got called in for a conference because the teacher was concerned.” Harry laughed. “His parents didn’t care as long as he got a good grade.” Louis tried to stifle a laugh.

“They’re very good poems, really. He’s quite talented.” Harry nodded in agreement.

“He can sing, too.”

“Real –“ Louis was interrupted by the waitress coming over and setting a mug on the table in front of Harry. She ruffled his hair, grinning down at him affectionately.

“Enjoy, cupcake,” she called as she walked off, disappearing into the back again. Harry looked at Louis timidly, a blush appearing on his cheeks. Louis bit the insides of his cheeks in an effort to keep from laughing, but the giggle burst through and he ended up making a snorting noise. He bent over in hysterics, covering his mouth. Harry’s blush grew even deeper when Louis straightened again, taking shaky, deep breaths. He looked at the younger boy, his mouth still in a huge grin. Harry looked down, the blush reaching down to his neck.

“Aw, Harry,” Louis said, laughter evident in his voice. He leaned forward to give the other lad a small hug, really just pressing the head of curls into his cheek. “I’m sorry for laughing,” he apologized as he pulled away. “It’s just . . . that’s so . . . _cute_.” Another giggle escaped his lips and Harry finally cracked a small smile.

“I don’t know why she calls me cupcake. She’s only 28 but acts like a mother.” He shook his head, a faint pink still evident on his cheeks. He reached forward to grab the mug, which Louis realized was topped with a ton of whipped cream. Louis took another deep breath and disguised the small laugh that wiggled out as a cough.

“What is that?” he asked as Harry swiped a bit of whipped cream off of the very top, stuck his tongue out slightly, and swiped his finger down his tongue. He smiled at Louis like a happy kid.

“Hot chocolate.” He repeated the finger swiping of the whipped cream and Louis couldn’t help it – he burst into a fit of giggles again. It was ridiculous, really: how cute a university-age boy could be. Harry frowned slightly.

“What?”

“I know,” Louis breathed, “why she calls you cupcake.” He took yet another deep breath.

“Why?”

“Because that’s what you _are_ ,” Louis said. “You’re a cute little cupcake.” Harry offered no response to this as he finally took a sip of the hot chocolate, looking up at Louis through his lashes over the mountain of white whipped cream. When he set the mug down, there was a small circle of whipped cream on the tip of his nose. Louis sighed and shook his head. Before Harry could ask, he swiped the little bit off with his index finger and slid it onto his tongue like Harry had done. The younger boy’s eyes widened, and Louis pretended to brush it off, but really his heart was beating at a hundred miles a minute.

“So, you’ve been here before,” Louis stated, setting his elbow on top of the cushion, sitting sideways on the couch. Harry nodded, a sheepish grin on his face.

“Like I said . . . Zayn likes to come here. He’s dragged me a few times, but . . . I like it anyway. It’s peaceful. It’s somewhere I can get away.” Louis nodded.

“Same for me. I come when the stress of being a teacher gets to me.” Harry hesitated.

“Was any of that stress . . . caused by me?” Louis pursed his lips.

“That doesn’t matter, now,” he murmured, reaching his arm over and lightly tugging the ends of a few of Harry’s curls. The corners of Harry’s mouth twitched up slightly and his eyes relaxed. He unconsciously leaned towards the touch. Louis hesitantly carded his fingers deeper into Harry’s curls.

“Do you like that?” he asked experimentally. Harry nodded, pushing slightly closer and practically purring at the touch. Louis thought it was a bit odd at first, but he enjoyed the boy’s reaction. He seemed so peaceful and relaxed. It was almost like petting a cat.

He eventually lessened the massaging of his fingers, but kept his hand there, playing slightly with the ends of the unruly curls. Harry’s eyes fluttered as if he was waking from sleep.

“Harry, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened last night? Why did you cut?” Harry sighed and subconsciously pushed his head up into Louis’s hand. Louis began to softly message Harry’s scalp again in what he hoped was an encouraging way. Harry took a deep breath and began to talk.

“It was just, like, too much. I had kind of been close before because I hadn’t cut in the past couple weeks, but last night . . . It just kind of pushed me over the edge. Usually when I think about guys I can just, like, push them out of my mind before I get carried away. But I was thinking about that guy I told you about . . . and I couldn’t push him out of my head. It sounds so cliché but he just kept popping back into my mind. And like I said, I was already close and it just kind of pulls you under. Like, most of the time when small stuff happens I don’t cut for it. In smaller increments I can deal with things. Usually when I cut it’s because a bunch of things happen at once. It’s like one of those guns that just keeps going, one bullet after another. It’s a bunch of continuous bullets in your mind, no recovery time in between. That’s the kind of thing that sweeps you off your feet. That pulls you under. And you just want something, anything that will give you the tiniest bit of air. And you kick and swim and try to find your way to the surface but it’s like it isn’t there, and nothing else works. Nothing that you try can cure you or help you and it’s just the only tiny bit of relief there is.” He took a shaky breath. “And I guess I’m just incurable. Because other people can get help or take pills or find someone to talk to but there must be something wrong with me because I can’t. I haven’t found any psychiatrist, pill, or friend who’s been able to stop me from cutting.”

His voice broke on the last sentence and Louis was yanked out of his trance. He’d been concentrating so hard on Harry’s analogy and it was almost like he could begin to understand. He’d never had any issues with self-harm or depression or anything like that, but he could certainly understand the desperate craving for air underwater. Harry looked up at him nervously once his rant was over. Louis was shocked at how much the boy had spoken and it took a moment before he could react.

He pulled Harry into a tight embrace. The position was a little awkward, but there was no way Louis could put his thoughts into words. He was overwhelmed with the need to protect the younger boy. The urge tugged at his chest and clamped onto his heart as Harry ducked into the hug. Louis’s mind raced. He really was getting involved with a student. Or . . . was he? It didn’t really matter what he felt if Harry didn’t feel the same, did it? It would certainly make things a lot easier if the feelings weren’t reciprocated. Louis bit the inside of his bottom lip. He was thinking too far into things. He and Harry weren’t dating. Teachers and students could be friends, couldn’t they? He was friends with Niall. But Niall didn’t sleep in his bed . . .

He realized that they’d been in the embrace for a while and gently pulled away. Harry awkwardly scratched at his curls and Louis watched him intently. He looked so vulnerable.

“Harry?” The green eyes met Louis’s blue ones.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you to do something for me?” Harry bit his lip and nodded. Louis leaned forward and subconsciously placed his hand on Harry’s knee.

“I want you to come to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s three AM or six PM, I want you to come to me. Anytime you feel alone, or like you’re being pulled under and nothing else can help.” He moved his hand from Harry’s leg to his sweatshirt-covered arm. “I don’t want you to go through that anymore. You can just come to my flat. I’ll give you my cell; you can call if I’m not there. Can you do that for me?” Harry nodded, his eyes flicking down to where Louis’s hand rested on his arm and back up to Louis’s eyes.

“Can you promise that you will do it?” Louis’s stare stayed trained intent on Harry’s face. Harry took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and nodded. The older boy smiled and leaned forward, tugging Harry into another tight hug. His arms wrapped around the younger boy’s shoulders and Harry closed his limbs around Louis’s waist. He pulled Louis in tighter than ever before and buried his face in his neck. A warm feeling washed over Louis and he closed his eyes and smiled. This felt so right. Even in that awkward position, their bodies fit perfectly together. Louis knew that the university said that this was wrong, so wrong, but it really wasn’t. It was right.

They both started to pull away at the same time. Their arms didn’t move; they just leaned back. They both hesitated for a brief second before continuing to lean back. Louis didn’t think about what was happening and neither did Harry. All he knew was that they ended up in each other’s arms, their faces mere inches apart.  Louis bit the inside of his lip, his mind suddenly picking up again. What was happening? More importantly, what was happening in Harry’s mind?

Harry’s breath hitched and Louis’s thoughts froze, then sped ahead even faster than before.

 _His breath hitched._ Oh, God, his breath hitched. Did that mean –? Without thinking, Louis leaned his face in so that there was even less distance between their lips. He froze again. This was happening, it was really happening. He was alone in a coffee shop with a student, and not just a student, _Harry Styles_ , and they were in each other’s arms with their faces less than two inches apart and it felt so right. He let out a small, quick exhale.

Harry’s eyelids slid so that his eyes were partially closed and he pushed the lower half of his face forward, almost like an invitation. Louis’s stomach clenched and somersaulted, and his mind stopped processing everything. It was like the rational part of his brain shut down and he was going purely on instinct as he allowed his eyes to flutter shut, and he closed the distance between their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things just got interesting, didn't they? ;) Please leave comments! xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this chapter is kind of awkward. Sorry about that :(  
> I plan for the next one to be a lot better. I'm working on it now.  
> Leave comments, I guess, or don't, cause this chapter sucks.

When they pulled apart, Louis’s eyes fluttered open immediately, but Harry’s stayed closed for a moment. Louis bit his lip, not believing what had just happened. He and Harry had just _kissed_ , and there was only one word he could think to describe it.

Wow.

_Wow._

**Wow.**

Louis had always thought that kissing was really overrated. It was nice, sure, but the whole fireworks thing had never really been true for him.  Now it was different.

His mind had exploded in a sensation of lights. Not fireworks, exactly, but that was the best word to describe the colors that danced behind his closed lids when Harry’s lips met his. His stomach had felt like it was being sucked into a whirlpool. The tips of his fingertips tingled and it felt like his hands were on fire on either side of Harry’s neck. Even through the shirt and jumper he was wearing, Harry’s arms left the same fiery feeling all around his waist.

Harry’s eyes opened and Louis let out a small exhale at how blatantly pretty the younger boy was. His green eyes were serious but had a happy shine and his plump pink lips were just barely parted. He licked his bottom lip, pulling it back slightly in his mouth. Louis felt a small tug of arousal in his chest and he pushed it away and forced himself to tear his gaze away from Harry’s lips. He let his arms fall and pulled away. Harry continued to watch him with a serious, happy stare.

“Um.” Louis cleared his throat quietly. “That. Um.” Harry’s entire demeanor changed at that moment. It was incredible, really. He seemed to pull back into a metaphorical shell, his fingers drumming silently on his own thighs. Suddenly, a reminder popped into Louis’s head.

“Harry, what . . . I mean . . . about the guy you like . . .?” Harry’s fingers stopped their tapping and he sighed, his gaze hesitantly meeting Louis’s.

“You,” he said, softly but clearly. Louis’s heart skipped a beat. His mind spun. Him. It was him. Harry fancied him.

“Harry, I . . .” Louis couldn’t put his thoughts into words. “Oh.” Harry looked up nervously at him. Louis sighed slightly, and reached up to cup Harry’s face with his hand. He rubbed back and forth along the younger boy’s jaw with his thumb.

“Are you sure you want to get into this?” Harry bit his lip, waiting for elaboration. Louis thought very carefully about how to word what he wanted to say.

“If . . . anything were to happen between us . . . Teachers aren’t supposed to be involved with students, you know.” Harry nodded slightly and looked down.

“So . . . don’t get involved with me,” he whispered, pain reaching like tentacles into his voice. Louis’s heart skipped a beat. He used the position of his hand to pull Harry’s face up so that they made eye contact again.

“That’s not it at all,” he breathed. Something flashed in Harry’s eyes – hope, maybe? Louis leaned dangerously closer. “I’m saying it’s up to you.” He paused, still cupping Harry’s jaw. “Because I fancy you too.” Harry inhaled almost imperceptibly. Louis glanced down at his lips and back up at his eyes, he leaned forward questioningly. Harry realized what he was implying and nodded, eyes wide. The corners of Louis’s mouth tugged up slightly and he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, softly, sweetly, perfectly. Harry’s lips were hesitant and slightly clumsy against his, but it was amazing nonetheless. When they pulled away, Harry grinned, biting his bottom lip.

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we walk? Like, outside?” Louis smiled and nodded. He set down some money on the table and they walked out the door together. Louis smiled to himself as the cold air nipped at his cheeks. It was almost officially winter, which meant his birthday was coming up. This time of year was always wonderful for him.

They walked in silence for a bit, finding themselves subconsciously walking towards Louis’s flat complex. They neared the elaborate front of the complex and Harry softly tugged on Louis’s lower arm.

“Let’s go sit by the fountain?” His green eyes shone with child-like excitement, and he was just so cute that Louis couldn’t resist. He nodded and Harry tugged him over towards the fountain, where they sat side-by-side on the stone edge. Louis leaned back, resting part of his weight on his hands, which he placed behind himself on the stone edge. Harry folded his hands neatly on his leg and grinned sheepishly at Louis. The older boy smiled back and looked up at the sky. It was a picture perfect day’ the sky unclouded and the sun shining.

“It’s so pretty today,” Louis commented. Harry glanced up at the sky.

“Yeah, it is,” he murmured, leaning his hands back on the stone to mirror Louis’s position. His fingers brushed against Louis’s, and Harry quickly moved his hand back.

“Sorry,” he muttered. Louis looked at the younger boy out of the corner of his eye. A faint blush was evident on his cheeks and he looked like an innocent little kid again. Louis smiled and silently moved his hand so that his fingers softly sat on top of Harry’s. The younger boy jumped slightly but then cautiously moved his hand so that their fingers were interlocked. Louis didn’t even try to hide the bright grin that lit up his face. Harry bit his lip and looked up at Louis through his lashes. Louis squeezed his hand and looked back up at the sky, a small smile on his face.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while before Louis stood up and stretched.

“I’m getting cold,” he said. “Want to go inside?” Harry stood and nodded.

“Sure.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When they got inside, Louis started tea and the two sat on the couch. Louis curled his legs up next to himself and cleared his throat.

“So, um,” he began awkwardly. “If we do . . . get involved . . . theoretically . . . would you . . . be okay with that? You know. If anything . . . happened.” Harry smiled a small smile.

“I’m good at keeping secrets,” he said quietly. Louis pursed his lips slightly and took Harry’s hand in his own.

“Are you going anywhere for the holidays?” Louis asked suddenly. Harry shook his head.

“My family doesn’t really get together for Christmas. Last year I spent it with Gem but she’s living in the States right now and she can’t afford the plane ticket.” He paused. “Are you?”

“Yeah. It’s my birthday the day before Christmas so my mum insisted I come home. She said my sisters have been missing me like crazy.” Harry nodded and Louis heard the teapot whistle. “I’ll be right back,” he said, getting up and leaving Harry on the couch. He fixed two mugs of tea and carried them back to the den. He set the mugs down on the table and Harry looked up at him through his curly fringe.

“Louis?” he asked quietly, placing his hand on Louis’s forearm.

“Yes?” Harry’s lower lip trembled.

“Will you be mad if – if I cut while you’re gone? I don’t know if I’m strong enough, and I don’t want you to get mad at me. But I don’t know if I can do it . . .” Louis sat down next to the boy and pulled him into an embrace. Harry folded easily into his arms and pressed his face into Louis’s neck. “Please don’t get mad at me,” he whispered into the older boy’s skin. Louis brought one hand up to stroke Harry’s hair. Harry’s body noticeably relaxed and Louis turned his head to press a kiss into the curls.

“No, love, I won’t be mad at you. I won’t ever be mad at you for cutting,” he soothed. “I think you can do it. I’ll be gone for less than a week.” He cupped Harry’s jaw and tilted his face up so that their eyes met. “Will you try? For . . . for me?” Harry took a shaky breath and nodded. Louis pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You can always call me, too. I’ll give you my cell today.” Harry nodded again and pushed into the older boy, curling into his side. Louis accepted the cuddle and tightened his arm around Harry’s shoulders.

They stayed that way until Harry decided he needed to go home and study for midterms. Louis entered his number into Harry’s phone and sent him off, watching the curly-haired boy walk off into the cold.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_When are you coming home?_

**Tomorrow. :)**

_I can’t wait to see you. I missed you._

**I missed you too, Harry. I’m proud of you for not cutting, love! x**

_I can’t believe I did it_

**I knew you could do it.**

 

_I think I’m going to go to bed. I’ll try and sleep until you get back.. Goodnight_

**Goodnight love.xx**

Louis sighed and rolled over in the guest bed. It was December 26th, and he wanted to go home. He’d loved spending time with his family, of course, but he’d been constantly thinking about Harry.

Exams had passed fairly uneventfully, and Louis had left the night of the last day of school. Harry sent him off with a goodbye hug and they’d texted almost non-stop since Harry texted Louis an early ‘good morning’ on the 24th. Louis smiled that he would soon be able to see and touch and talk to Harry again and drifted off to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“You’re not even going to tell me how your Christmas was?” Niall mumbled against Zayn’s urgent kiss.

“Terrible. Family suffocating me. Parents. Not good enough, never good enough.” He pulled away and looked at Niall with wide pupils. “Tell me I’m good enough,” he breathed, ducking down to suck at Niall’s neck. Niall wiggled a bit, bringing his hands up to Zayn’s jaw and forcing him to meet his eyes.

“You are good enough,” Niall murmured, and pressed a hard kiss onto Zayn’s lips. The dark-haired boy grabbed Niall’s hand and pulled him into the den. Niall backed Zayn to the couch and pushed him down on it, then climbed on top of him. Their lips moved together and their tongues explored each other’s mouths. Niall tugged at Zayn’s shirt and Zayn did the same. Their hips rolled together and Niall clumsily unbuttoned Zayn’s jeans, tugging them down and finally off. Zayn palmed the growing bulge in Niall’s sweats as the Irish boy sucked a love bite onto his neck.

“Fuck, Niall,” Zayn hissed as the other boy trailed messy kisses down his body until he reached his waistband. Niall grinned up at Zayn as he tugged down his boxers. He licked up Zayn’s cock and teasingly sucked the tip. Zayn moaned and carded his fingers into Niall’s hair. He pushed down slightly and Niall took him halfway in his mouth all at once. Zayn tightened his grip on the other boy’s locks and tried to keep from bucking his hips up. Niall lightly placed his hands on Zayn’s hips and hollowed his cheeks, working up and down his length. Zayn let out a high keen as Niall loosened his throat and took him in almost completely. He was completely hard himself, his sweatpants straining around the bulge beneath them.

“Shit, Niall, I’m gonna . . .” Zayn trailed off as he came quick and hot and Niall swallowed readily. He rode out his high and looked down at Niall as he panted. Niall wormed up to press a quick kiss to Zayn’s lips as the other boy slipped his hand inside his sweats. He grasped the blonde boy’s cock and pumped quickly and efficiently. Niall dug his fingers into Zayn’s shoulders and let out a moan at the warm contact. Zayn flicked his wrist in a way that he’d found useful before and Niall bit back a whine as he came, spurting onto Zayn’s hand. The dark-haired boy smirked.

“That didn’t take long,” he noted. Niall scowled at him.

“Didn’t take long with your cock in my mouth either,” he reminded him. Zayn chuckled and pulled Niall into a cuddle. Niall smiled a sleepy-eyed smile and pressed a kiss to Zayn’s jaw. Zayn yawned and allowed his eyes to slip closed as Niall placed a hand on his chest. His breath grew more spaced-out and deep.

“Zayn?” Niall whispered. Zayn opened one eye just the slightest bit but offered no vocal response. When Niall received no answer, he sighed and murmured one last sentence that made Zayn’s stomach drop.

“I think I love you.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short, I'll probably update chapter 10 in the very near future...

Louis tapped out a quick message on his iPhone at the red light about five minutes from his flat complex.

 

**Almost home.x**

 

_On my way._

Harry was standing in front of the fountain when Louis pulled into the lot. He parked as close as possible to the fountain and rushed out of the car. He walked as quickly as possible without running towards the fountain. Harry met him halfway and before Louis could even muster a “Hi,” he was caught in an intense bear hug. Harry’s arms locked around his shoulders and pulled him tight against the younger boy. He responded immediately, of course, and wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist. Their bodies molded perfectly together, and Louis smiled into Harry’s shoulder at how right everything about this felt. Harry’s heart pounded at an irregular rate as he inhaled the familiar, sweet scent that was Louis. They eventually pulled away and Harry helped Louis drag his luggage upstairs. The older boy left the bags in the center of the room and collapsed on his couch. He heaved a happy sigh and Harry grinned and sat down next to him.

“It’s so, so good to be home,” Louis sighed happily. Harry smiled at him. Louis turned his head to look lazily at the other boy. “Come here,” he murmured, extending his hand and waving his fingers. Harry leaned forward cautiously. Louis softly grabbed his face and pulled him into a firm kiss. The younger boy was startled at first but eagerly kissed Louis back. Their lips pressed together again and again, softly and sweetly. Louis felt that addictive sensation like fireworks again, the colors sparking and lighting behind his closed eyelids. Harry smiled into the kisses and sighed, opening his mouth slightly. Louis hesitantly opened his mouth as well and slid his hands up into Harry’s curls. He knotted his fingers in the locks and the younger boy sighed again, his hot breath intermingling with Louis’s. Harry placed his hands on Louis’s shoulders, scooting closer to him on the couch. Louis bit Harry’s bottom lip, tugging softly. Harry slipped his hand ever so hesitantly up Louis’s shirt, feeling the soft, warm skin, and he slid his tongue across Louis’s lip. The older boy slowly allowed his tongue to enter Harry’s mouth, and he easily let Louis claim dominance. Louis explored Harry’s mouth with his tongue, running it over his perfect, straight white teeth and the roof of his mouth. Harry’s hand stilled on Louis’s stomach and the older boy’s grip on his curly hair tightened and the kiss grew deeper and more intense.

Louis could feel himself hardening in his trousers, but he pushed thoughts of going any further out of his mind. He didn’t want Harry to feel rushed. He especially didn’t want Harry to rush into his first gay relationship. The lustier part of his mind debated with him, telling him that if Harry was willing, go for it. Louis argued with himself for a moment, and the horny side almost won. He knew if he didn’t stop himself now, he wouldn’t be able to, so he pulled away. Breathing hard, he stared into Harry’s half-blown pupils. Harry’s teeth tucked his lip into his mouth as he took long, even breaths through his nose.

“Wow,” Louis murmured. Harry let out a small huff of a laugh and grinned.

“I really missed you, Louis,” he whispered. The older boy grinned at him and placed his hands on either side of Harry’s jaw.

“I’m so proud of you, Hazza,” he said, returning the grin. A faint blush crept onto Harry’s cheeks.

“Hazza?” Louis pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s lips.

“Yes,” he said. “Hazza.” At that moment the door unlocked and Harry practically flew back, moving to a normal distance from Louis, who snorted a laugh and adjusted his shirt. Niall walked into the den, glanced at the two, and rolled his eyes.

“If the two o’ ya really want to keep the whole thing a secret, you might want to work on the guilty eyes thing.” Louis burst out into odd hiccups of laughter and Harry’s cheeks turned bright red. Niall shot them both a small grin and retreated to his room.

He shakily set down his backpack. He’d ran into Zayn today. In public. He’d had to act like they didn’t know one another. It pained him furiously when the brown eyes glanced over at him for one second, then away as if nothing had happened. Niall understood his reasons for keeping their relationship a secret, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

He collapsed on his bed, thinking back to the previous night and his confession to the sleeping Zayn. His heart had been hammering in his chest and his breath had been shaky. He had absolutely no idea why he’d tacked on the “I think.” Maybe if was in case Zayn had been awake and he could have had some back-out strategy. He sighed to himself. The thing was, he’s never been so sure of anything in his life. He didn’t think. He _knew_. He knew he was helplessly in love with Zayn Malik. The problem was that he didn’t know if Zayn felt that deeply about him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zayn paced back and forth in his dorm. His dorm mate was out, so he had the place to himself. But that was just the problem. His thoughts kept echoing, bouncing off the empty walls and back to him with no people to stop them from reverberating. His mind raced of what Niall had mumbled to him last night. He’d been able to push it out of his mind for most of the day, acting normal around Harry and his dorm mate. But when he’d run into the Irish boy out on campus, his thoughts clawed their way into his brain and wouldn’t let go. He’d returned to his dorm as quickly as possible, thinking he wouldn’t be able to keep his usual calm demeanor around people. Ironically, he was _too_ calm now; his breathing was even and deep, his heart pumped blood steadily through his veins.

He yearned for some kind of unbalance. Anything, really. An outburst of laughter, tears, yelling, anything but this blank void of calmness. He wanted to run right to Niall’s house and fall into his arms, sobbing, feeling the emotion rock through him in tremors.

 _Go_ , the little voice in his head urged him. Zayn sighed. That little voice was always there, always a part of him, always reminding him the person he hid from everyone else. That voice was the part of him that wrote those dark poems that hardly anyone ever understood. The part of him that preferred a pair of strong, sturdy arms to a pair of delicate, feminine ones. The part of him that was really _him_ , the part not influenced by his parents or his friends or anyone else.

Zayn was frustrated with the little voice. He couldn’t really let out any extreme emotions. He knew if he went to Niall’s flat, he would chicken and act horny like the last few times.

Truthfully, most of the time when he went to Niall’s flat, he wanted to talk. He wanted someone to listen to him. He knew Niall would be wonderful and understanding and would really listen. Niall wasn’t the problem.

He was.

He just couldn’t do it. He felt physically incapable of going to his boyfriend’s house and having a conversation about – oh god – his feelings. He’d given Niall some vague information about how his family always pressured him to be better, smarter; no, not a writer, something that brings in more money. And he was to marry a smart, pretty girl. His parents didn’t really accept the whole “boyfriend” thing.

You’d think, with all that stress on him, Zayn would be able to have a good cry every once in a while. But alas, he could not. And nothing bothered him more that he couldn’t function like a normal human being and have an emotional breakdown every once in a while. That was really all he wanted. He wanted to become a sobbing, screaming mess in someone’s – preferably Niall’s – arms. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t do it.

And now Niall was talking about love. _Love_. How could Zayn possibly expect himself to be able to confess his feelings for the blonde boy when he wasn’t even capable of a proper cry?

And the “I think.” What was that? It frustrated Zayn even more. Did Niall love him or not? Although, Zayn had been spending quite a lot of time thinking about whether or not he was in love with Niall that night. And had he reached any conclusions? There were no definite answers yet. But the thing that worried Zayn most was that if the answer was no, he’d know it. He would have been able to tell right off the bat, from the second Niall uttered the words.

But he didn’t know.

And that scared him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The winter break passed quickly for Harry and Louis. They spent the majority of the time after Louis got back together. They went on more coffee dates and sometimes just watched films at Louis’s flat. It wasn’t important that they weren’t going on real dates; what mattered was that they were comfortable and enjoyed spending time together. So Louis wasn’t that nervous on December 30th when he asked the head of curls on his lap if he wanted to come over for New Years. Harry turned his head to look up at Louis. He smiled his adorable toddler smile.

“I’d love to,” he said, and Louis grinned down at him. His fingers found their way into his curly locks and he massaged Harry’s scalp gently. Harry sighed in content and his eyelids slid down slowly.

Harry left at around six that night, and Niall returned to the flat soon after. Louis welcomed him with a smile.

“Where’d you go all day?” he asked cheerily. Niall shrugged.

“Just. Y’know. Out.” Louis raised an eyebrow.

“Just out?” Niall nodded. “With your boyfriend?” He froze. Louis grinned devilishly.

“Yeah,” Niall finally admitted. Louis smirked.

“Must be a pretty good shag,” he commented. Niall scowled and punched his shoulder lightly.

“Oi,” he said. Louis snickered.

“You’re always out,” he whined, half-joking. “I never see you anymore.” Niall snorted.

“Where were you looking? In Harry’s mouth?” Now Louis scowled and flushed bright red.

“’S not like that,” he muttered. Niall leaned forward onto the counter.

“Would you want it to be?” he asked seriously.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Niall.”

“Louis! You know that’s not what I meant. I meant . . . would you want to be in a serious relationship with Harry Styles?” Louis chewed his lip, thinking the question over.

“I don’t . . . I’m not sure, Ni.” He let out a small, awkward chuckle, as if trying to lighten the subject. “I mean . . . we’ve only been, like . . . I don’t even know what we are . . . well, we’ve only been whatever we are right now for about a week and a half. So . . . I don’t know yet.” Niall was grinning at the way Louis stumbled over his sentence. A thought crossed Louis’s mind and he continued talking. “Oh, that reminds me . . . I invited him over for New Year's . . . I hope that doesn’t mess up any plans for you.” Niall pursed his lips. He had been trying to decide what to do for New Year's. He wanted to invite Zayn over, but couldn’t because Louis would be there. And he especially couldn’t with Harry being there. He couldn’t go to Zayn’s dorm because of his dorm mate. He finally just shook his head, saying no, it was fine. Louis grinned at him and excused himself to his bedroom. He had some planning to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, leave comments if you like it.xxx

Louis made a big show of opening the door for Harry, gesturing grandly behind him and standing straight and stiff. Harry chuckled and entered the flat, shaking out his hair as he pulled off the beanie he’d been wearing. Louis felt a small pang at how unfairly cute he was with his cheeks pink from cold and his eyes bright, shiny, and happy green. Harry shrugged out of his jacket and placed it on one of the hooks near the door. Louis couldn’t help but noticed the way his black skinny jeans clung to his adorable little butt and the way the gray sweater kind of hung off of his lanky frame.

He snapped out of his Harry admiration and gestured for the younger boy to follow him into the den. It was lit by a few cream-colored candles scattered across the room. Louis walked over to one and traced the design with his pointer finger.

“New Year’s candles,” he said softly. “My mum always did this. Every year she bought new candles, always the same color, one for each of my sisters, me, and herself. She lit the den with them at noon of every New Year’s Eve and we used to sit by each of our candles. She put them so that they weren’t too far apart but were spaced out enough to where if we all sat at our corresponding candles, we’d be sitting in a sort of-circle, facing each other. We used to sit there and talk until midnight. Even my youngest sisters stayed up.” Harry joined him in standing near the one candle. His fingers hesitantly brushed Louis’s and the older boy took his hand, relishing in the softness of his skin. “I always loved the New Year’s candles. After we blew them out at midnight, Mum put them in a glass cabinet and used them as plain decorative candles throughout the year. But I always took mine to my room. I kept it in there the entire year. I lit it whenever I needed comforting. It was almost like I could transport back to the previous New Year’s, sitting in a circle with Mum and my sisters, just talking. I could have always went and talked to them at the time, of course. But there was something about New Year’s . . . the way you feel like anything is possible . . . it’s something . . . almost . . .” He exhaled a quick, quiet breath. “Magical.” He turned his gaze towards Harry,

The younger boy’s face was remarkably close to his own and it was evident that he’d been watching Louis intently as he spoke. Louis licked his lips and looked into Harry’s intense green eyes.

“How do you do that?” Harry whispered.

“Do what?”

“Say stuff like that. You say everything so that it sounds so much more extraordinary than when anyone else says it. I think it’s something about the way you phrase everything, and you get this look on your face when you talk about something you love, and your voice and it all just combines and it’s . . .” He paused, then flashed Louis a small, cheeky smile. “Magical.” Louis smiled up at him and snaked his arms around Harry’s waist. The younger boy placed his hands on either side of Louis’s upper neck and pulled him into a sweet kiss. Their lips pushed against each other with more familiarity than merely a week ago; soft, gentle, and with the perfect amount of pressure. When they pulled away Louis grinned up at Harry and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

At that moment, Niall bustled into the den. He was hurriedly pulling on a jumper and rolled his eyes at the couple as soon as he got it over his head.

“Sorry t’ interrupt, but I’m heading out.”

“Where ya goin?” Louis asked, softly pulling out of Harry’s embrace but letting his hand fall to interlock with the younger boy’s.

“Oh, uh. I got invited to a last minute party,” Niall said stiffly. Louis pursed his lips, but decided to ignore it.

“Have fun,” he called as Niall rushed out the door.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_News! Dorm mate went to out of town party. Dorm is mine. Get your cute irish butt over here asap.xxx_

Niall had practically jumped out of his bed when he’d gotten the text, rushing out the door, offering a lame excuse to Louis. But he didn’t care. New Year’s with Zayn! He was so excited that his feet had to scurry to keep up with the pace his brain urged them to go.

He finally reached the dorm number Zayn had told him a couple weeks ago and knocked on the door. He bounced on the balls of his feet a bit as he waited for the door to be open. When it did, a swift hand yanked him inside into a tight hug. Zayn nuzzled into Niall’s neck, grinning into the warm skin. Niall smiled to himself and returned the embrace.

“Niall,” Zayn sighed.

“Zayn,” Niall teased endearingly. They broke apart and Zayn pulled Niall over to his mattress. It was covered with a soft-looking electric blanket and the darker boy pulled both of them underneath it. Niall eagerly cuddled into Zayn’s side and he pressed a kiss into the blonde hair.

“I want to just do this all night,” he murmured. Niall hummed in response.

Zayn sighed, content. His mind was still racing with the whole “love” thing, and his heart was beating a million miles an hour, but he was exactly where he wanted to be.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis laughed heartily.

“Really?” he exclaimed. “Perrie and Zayn? No wonder she was so uncomfortable around him for the first two months of school!” Harry somehow managed to adorably snort a laugh and nodded.

“Yeah, they went out on again, off again for, like, a year,” he informed Louis.

“Let me guess . . . Perrie was the dumpee?” Harry touched the tip of his nose like you do in Charades. “Wow. And she still had it for him, didn’t she?” The younger boy nodded again, still grinning.

“I kinda felt bad for her. She was always nice to me. But they didn’t really have a good relationship. Just didn’t . . . click.” Louis nodded.

“Happens sometimes.” He paused. “So what other scandals happened before I arrived and calmed everything down?” Harry looked up at the ceiling, thinking. His eyes popped open and he exclaimed, “Oh!” Louis grinned.

“What?”

“Well, Eleanor, right? You know her, obviously.” Louis nodded. “She and Danielle used to be, like, inseparable. Best friends. Knew each other since high school. All that good stuff. Anyway, they had chem together first year. And Eleanor had it for the teacher . . . _bad_.” Louis frowned slightly.

“So? Didn’t Danielle have . . . _oh_.” Harry nodded, still smiling.

“Dr. Payne just didn’t reciprocate anything to Eleanor at all. He never did to Danielle, either, at least not publicly . . .”

“How do you know about Danielle and Liam?” The corners of Harry’s mouth pulled down a bit.

“Information travels. Never tell Perrie a secret, by the way. I managed to worm it out of Zayn.” He shrugged. “I think Danielle and Eleanor are getting closer again, I don’t know. I’m not friends with any of them, really . . . Not that I blame them.” His face was suddenly covered by a look so sad that Louis reached for his hand and pressed it against his own face.

“Don’t say that,” he murmured. Harry looked down at his lap. Louis pressed a kiss to the palm of Harry’s hand. “I think you’re wonderful, Harry,” The younger boy looked up at him with slightly hopeful eyes.

“Do you mean that?” he breathed. Louis nodded and leaned forward slightly.

“With all my heart.” Harry looked at him hesitantly for a moment before hurriedly pressing forward and connecting their lips. His lips were hard against Louis’s, urgent and filled with a longing Louis immediately recognized. Surprised but willing, he met the desire with his own, reaching up and knotting his fingers into the curls. Harry sighed at the feeling, his mouth opening. Louis took advantage of that and slipped his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. He felt himself hardening quickly, arousal shooting through his veins. The feeling caused him to tug a bit at Harry’s curls, and the younger boy let out an intense moan into Louis’ mouth. Louis broke the kiss and looked into Harry’s wide eyes.

“Your hair?” he asked breathlessly. Harry sheepishly nodded, his cheeks turning pink. Louis smiled a small smile and pressed their lips together again. He tugged again experimentally at Harry’s locks and the younger boy let out a small whine. Louis smiled into their kiss and pulled the curls yet again, harder this time. A noise of pleasure rumbled in Harry’s throat and he literally climbed onto Louis so that he was straddling him. The older boy was startled but Harry was kissing him with such fervor that his only response was to return the passion with his own desperate craving. He could feel Harry’s hardening member pressing against the denim of his tight jeans and into his own thigh. He let out a small whimper and broke away from their kiss to trail his mouth along Harry’s jaw. He tugged again at the curly locks and relished in feeling of the other boy’s fingers digging into his shoulders as a result.

“It’s almost midnight,” Harry gasped as Louis ever so softly bit his neck. The older boy pulled back and glanced over at the clock.

“It is,” he murmured, and pressed a soft kiss to Harry’s lips before the younger boy wiggled off of him. He got up and grabbed a bottle out of the refrigerator, two glasses, and two candles that sat next to each other on the bar. He returned to the couch and Harry laughed.

“Champagne?” he asked. Louis grinned and nodded.

“Why? Are you objecting to alcohol?” Harry’s laugh balanced on being a giggle. He shook his head no. “Good.” He handed one of the cream candles to Harry. It had been burning for quite a bit and a clear puddle of melted wax sat atop the unmelted candle, trapped from spilling over by a glass candle holder.

“That one is yours,” Louis said softly, tracing the top of the glass holder on his own candle. “I got one for myself and Niall, and one for you and Niall’s mystery lover. I kind of expected Niall to head out anyway, so their candles are honorary.” Harry smiled and leaned over to press a gentle kiss to Louis’s cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zayn dug around in the dorm’s mini pantry for a bit before triumphantly emerging with a green tinted bottle.

“Ooh,” Niall said. “Contraband.” Zayn snickered.

“It’s not champagne, but I guess we can still pop the cork at midnight. It won’t foam, though.” Niall laughed as the dark-haired boy set the bottle down and rejoined him on the bed.

“I’m disappointed,” he teased. “So unprepared, Malik.” Zayn snorted and he pulled Niall into his side, where he perfectly fit.

“Didn’t think I’d be needing champagne anytime soon.” He pressed a kiss into Niall’s hair.

“I don’t like champagne too much, anyway. Louis got some for tonight. I was pretty glad I got out of it, honestly. I wasn’t too keen on being the third wheel, drinking champagne with him and . . . his boyfriend.” Zayn raised his eyebrows.

“Tommo has a boyfriend?”

“Erm . . . yeah.”

“For how long?” Niall hesitated.

“A couple weeks now, I dunno.” Zayn shrugged it off and checked the time.

“Two minutes. I’d better get the wine ready.” Niall pouted.

“You just sat down.” Zayn grinned.

“I know.” He wormed off of the bed again and Niall joined him as he went to stand in front of the tiny counter. He pulled two wine glasses out of the cupboard and set them down. He turned so that he was leaning back against the counter. Niall stepped in front of him and Zayn reached for his hands. He pulled both of them to his chest, and when he was sure Niall wouldn’t move them down, he released them and grabbed onto Niall’s waist, pulling him forward. Their bodies pressed together from knee to upper stomach and Niall grinned as Zayn’s arms formed a loose circle around his waist. His hands rested flat on the expanse of his chest and Zayn pressed their foreheads together.

“Can I admit something to you?” Niall smiled a small smile.

“’Course.”

“I’ve never had a New Year’s kiss,” Zayn said, biting his lip and smiling. Niall drummed his fingers on Zayn’s chest.

“Well, we can fix that, can’t we? In . . . how much longer?” Zayn checked his watch.

“Thirty seconds.”

“In thirty seconds.” Zayn smiled and pressed a small kiss to Niall’s cheek. He brought his watch back up and watched it for a bit until the second hand reached the ten.

“Ten seconds.” He waited. “Five.” Niall picked up after him.

“Four.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“One,” they said together in a whisper as they slowly shut their eyes and closed the distance between their lips. The kiss was close-mouthed and gentle, but lasted for what seemed like an eternity. When they pulled apart, Zayn grinned and released Niall before turning around and grabbing the wine bottle and cork screw. He easily uncorked the wine and the bottle mad a satisfying popping sound. He poured two half-glasses and Niall eyed it as he handed him a glass.

“White wine,” he commented. “A man of taste.” Zayn stuck his tongue out teasingly. He raised his glass and Niall did the same.

“To the best secret I’ve ever kept,” Zayn whispered, knowing Niall would understand.

“To the Bradford bad boy that is worth every unspoken word.” The look in Zayn’s eyes softened.

“To the Irish boy that changed my life.” Niall smiled a bittersweet smile.

“To us.” They drank, and Niall grinned at Zayn as he set his glass down. He pushed an enthusiastic kiss onto the other boy’s lips.

When he pulled away, Zayn’s heart started hammering frantically. An idea invaded his mind. His hands shook and his knees suddenly felt weak. He couldn’t do it. He absolutely couldn’t.

But he had to.

“Niall?” he said softly.

“Yeah?” Zayn took a deep breath.

“I think I love you, too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Harry and Louis shared an excited kiss at midnight and Louis popped the cork off the champagne bottle in the kitchen immediately after. He whooped as the froth spilled over, a little getting on his hand. He tried not to notice the way Harry stared at that sight next to him, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly.

Louis grabbed a paper towel and wiped off the foam. He poured two bubbly glasses and handed one to Harry. He raised his glass, and Harry mirrored the action.

“To new beginnings,” Louis said softly.

“To us,” Harry added cheekily. A wide grin lit up Louis’s face and they clinked glasses. They drank, and Louis watched Harry with a smile. Harry shyly smiled back, his dimples pulling in.

“I feel like I can be whoever I want around you,” Harry said sheepishly. Louis’s heart swelled and hammered in his chest. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Harry’s cheek.

“You _can_ be,” he whispered as he pressed another kiss to Harry’s lips. There was a pause for a moment before Louis spoke again, less serious this time. “Now it’s time for the best part.” Harry raised an eyebrow at him as he pulled a roll of aluminium foil out of the cupboard. Louis covered the counter with a sheet and went to grab their candles. He carried the candles carefully, making sure not to spill their wax. He set them down on the counter and looked at Harry with an excited grin.

“I’ve loved to do this ever since I was a kid, I used to stay up with my mum and wait until all my sisters had gone to sleep because I was the only one old enough.” He handed Harry a candle and pointed to a small protruding edge on the glass holder.

“See that? It’s like a pitcher. You pour the wax onto the aluminium foil in any design you want and after it cools you take it off and set them around the house. They’re like home-made decorations.” Harry smiled and nodded.

“I think I get it. That’s cool.”

“These candles are specially made, too, so that the wick won’t burn down into the liquid wax. Here, watch . . .” Louis slowly tipped the candle so that the clear wax poured out of the spout in a thin stream. He easily made a star shape and turned the candle upright again, grinning at Harry.

“You try,” he said as he set his candle down, stepped closer to Harry, and gently placed his hands on top of the younger boy’s much larger ones. Harry blushed slightly but lifted the candle and tilted it carefully with Louis’s guidance.

“The trick is,” Louis started as they slowly poured a spiral shape, “to not make the line too thin. If it’s too thin, the design won’t hold when it hardens.” Harry nodded as they up righted the candle and Louis grabbed his own candle again. He quickly designed a few curving abstract lines that branched out from each other. Harry watched carefully and when Louis finished, he poured a small line with a simple curve. Louis looked at it for a moment and reached over slightly, adding onto it with his own candle. He added a symmetrical line and when Harry saw what Louis had done, he giggled, slightly embarrassed. The line added on to Harry’s original one formed the shape of a heart. Louis chuckled and continued to design swirling lines on the foil. Harry grinned and joined him. They did this in silence until they’d both run out of melted wax. Harry set his candle down and looked at Louis.

“Now what?” he asked teasingly. Louis grabbed Harry’s hand and grazed the knuckles with his lips.

“Now we stay up and giggle together like middle school girls.” Harry laughed. Louis paused, then grinned cheekily. “Or we could make out.” A blush colored Harry’s cheeks and he smiled sheepishly.

Harry offered no spoken response to the suggestion; he simply pulled Louis into the den and onto the couch, their lips connected before either of them hit the sofa.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Niall’s cheeks burned and his mouth dropped open. Zayn watched him intently and once Niall shook himself out of shock, he diverted his eyes from the brown ones. He had no idea how to react. He’d been so sure Zayn had been asleep. He didn’t know if he wanted Zayn to know about his feelings.

Except . . . they were mutual. His feelings were returned. Niall’s heart galloped in his chest and his hands shook in a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Zayn was still watching him deeply when he finally met his gaze again.

“I didn’t know you’d heard that,” he whispered. The expression on Zayn’s face didn’t change. Niall didn’t like it. It was empty. His eyes masked whatever emotion he was feeling and his mouth was set in an even line.

“I did,” he said simply. Niall didn’t know how to react. He played with his fingers nervously. Zayn was so . . . emotionless. He took a shaky breath and decided to clear up what had been plaguing his mind for the past week.

“Well . . . I, um.” He took a deep breath. “The thing about that is . . . I don’t . . . I don’t think.” Zayn’s brow furrowed in the slightest.

“What?”

“I – I mean . . . When I said it, I said ‘I think I love you.’ And I don’t think. I know. I am in love with you, Zayn.” The dark-haired boy remained expressionless for a bit. Niall shuffled his feet awkwardly. Suddenly, Zayn stepped forward and pulled Niall into his arms. The blonde boy immediately relaxed into the hug, relieved for some kind of response. He returned the embrace for a bit before he noticed that Zayn was shaking. He pulled away slightly to look at the other boy. He became alarmed when he saw the brown eyes filling with tears.

“Zayn?” he asked, panic creeping into his voice. A few tears spilled over and Zayn gasped quietly. He grasped onto Niall’s shoulders and buried his face in his neck as the tears blossomed into sobs. Niall confusedly wrapped his arms around Zayn and rubbed his back. He became aware that a word was being spoken into his neck.

“Niall,” Zayn said, voice hoarse, “Niall, Niall, Niall, Niall, Niall.” The Irish boy tightened his arms and attempted to hush Zayn.

“I’m right here, Zayn, it’s okay,” he murmured. The other boy’s tears continued to stain his shirt and he gently urged him over to the bed. They lay down, Zayn clinging to Niall’s shirt the whole time, and burrowed under the electric blanket. The dark-haired boy pressed back into Niall while his body racked with sobs.

Zayn wished he could tell Niall how immensely happy he was. But in his current state, talking was close to impossible. He wasn’t sure why he was crying. Maybe it was because of how long he’d spent keeping all his emotions locked up, and now they were all out and revealed. But he wasn’t sad. No, he was so relieved. It felt like a weight had been lifted, like a door had been kicked open, like a barrier had been destroyed. It felt so amazing to finally be able to just let himself go and cry into Niall’s arms. It was just what he’d been craving the past week.

This lasted for a while before Zayn cried himself out and the tears subsided. Niall looked at him cautiously.

“Zayn . . .?” The dark-haired boy smiled.

“I’m fine, Niall. Better than fine, really.” Niall was still eyeing him carefully.

“You just sobbed for twenty minutes.” Zayn laughed.

“I know. I’m fine, take my word for it . . . Actually, no. Don’t take my word for it. Let me tell you about it.” He sat up and Niall followed suit, a worried look still present on his face. Zayn took a deep breath.

“This might take a while . . . Okay, you know how I say that I’m never good enough for my parents?”

And Zayn told him. He told him everything. From the very start with his overly religious parents who had very high expectations of their son. He recounted the time when he was very young and he was told that he was very smart and would do very well in life and marry a very nice, very pretty girl. He told him about how his parents constantly openly opposed homosexuality. About how when he was thirteen and started to think about boys, and thought that he was actually ill. How he had been horrified when the “sickness” wouldn’t go away. He shared the memory of his friends in church talking about how being gay is a sin. That gay people go to hell. That funny – almost disgusted – look they’d given him when he’d said, _Maybe they can’t help it_. He admitted how much he hated keeping the secret from Harry and how scared he was he would lose the only friend he’d found in his early adolescence if he did tell him. And finally he revealed the reason he’d cried. That it wasn’t because he was sad, or angry, or scared; it was because he was relieved. He explained his relief to Niall and finished his speech with a sigh. Niall watched him intensely. Zayn waited for a response, but received none. He nervously looked over at Niall, who was still staring at him.

“Ni?” he asked softly. Niall opened his mouth and let out a barely audible exhale. Zayn watched him nervously until the blonde boy seemed to snap out of a trance and quickly pulled Zayn into a tight embrace. His arms locked so tightly around him that Zayn couldn’t even move his arms to reciprocate the hug. When Niall finally pulled away, he pressed an intense kiss to the dark-haired boy’s lips. His lips pushed confidently and conveyed such intense emotion that Zayn’s head spun a bit when he pulled away. When Niall spoke, his voice was low and serious.

“Do you know,” he whispered, “how much more I love you now?” A blush worked its way up into the other boy’s cheeks and Niall pressed another, gentler kiss to his lips.

“I, um. I mean . . . I love you too, Niall,” he managed. Niall smiled and pulled him into a cuddle. Zayn sighed happily, emotionally and physically exhausted, and nuzzled into Niall’s neck as he drifted off to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After break, things continued fairly normally. Niall and Zayn were perfectly happy in their relationship and spent as much time together as possible, although they remained a secret. Louis and Harry’s relationship developed relatively slowly. The younger boy opened up to Louis a lot and he got a good look at the vulnerable, innocent side of Harry. Physically, their relationship was just plain slow. After three weeks, they’d never gone further than they had on New Year’s. Louis was fine with it. He didn’t want to push Harry or make him nervous. He knew that same-sex sex encounters were scary at first, especially with someone more experienced than yourself. Harry was a bit shy about anything physical, but was still a 19 year old boy with raging hormones. He thought about Louis in inappropriate ways pretty often, but whenever he thought about actually doing those things, he got really nervous and shaky. Louis was especially careful not to make the boy embarrassed about his nervousness and made sure to be gentle and understanding about Harry’s limits.

When his birthday began to near, Harry firmly told Louis not to buy him a present. Louis tried to protest, but Harry insisted that since he had not gotten Louis a birthday present, he couldn’t accept one himself. The older boy pouted but after some persuasion finally agreed. He figured that Valentine’s Day was close enough that he could just make that extra special.

Harry was going home for his birthday weekend. His mum had begged him and begged him to come home and he finally agreed. Gemma was going to be there as well. Louis was slightly upset that he wouldn’t even be able to spend time with Harry on his birthday, but was glad he would be seeing his family. Even though he’d had some difficulty with them during his adolescence, Louis knew that Harry was still deeply attached to his mum and Gemma. Robin . . . Louis wasn’t so sure about.

The Thursday night before Harry left for the drive home, the two were cuddled up together in Louis’s bed. The older boy was softly stroking Harry’s curls and his eyes were slipping closed at the relaxing motion.

“Harry?” Louis asked softly. Harry hummed a response. “Are . . . are you going to be okay around your stepfather this weekend?” Louis whispered hesitantly. Harry didn’t respond for a moment.

“Yeah,” he finally sighed. “I lived there with him for years, two days won’t hurt me.” Louis pursed his lips and pulled the younger boy tighter to him. Harry nuzzled into his neck and the older boy relaxed at the familiar warmth. His eyes slipped closed slowly and his mind wandered into unconsciousness.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis awoke at around two in the morning. He tried to go back to sleep, but after a few attempts at getting his body to relax, he sighed softly and gave up. He was up, and wouldn’t be going back down for a while. Harry was still in his arms, breathing deeply with his body pressed close to Louis’s.

The older boy smiled fondly at some of the memories of the other times Harry had slept over. He’d discovered that the younger boy was a frequent sleep-talker. Most of the time it was unintelligible murmurings or completely random topics. He usually talked about whatever was on his mind. Once he’d babbled for five minutes about a chemistry test he had the next day. It often wasn’t the words that interested Louis, it was Harry’s voice. It took on a deeper sound; it was almost like listening to his morning voice. He couldn’t really describe it; the sound was just pleasant and somehow more enjoyable than his regular voice. A part of Louis hoped for sleep-talking tonight. He let the desire drift from his brain as he closed his eyes and simply enjoyed the feeling of the other boy in his arms. Louis balanced between the edge of awareness and unconsciousness for a bit before a few murmurs came from near his neck. His eyes flew open and he grinned in anticipation. Harry mumbled a few incoherent things and his breathing seemed to get slightly heavier. Suddenly, he spoke one word, loud and clear.

“ _Louis_.”

Louis was startled at Harry’s voice. It wasn’t deep and slow like usual. It was higher pitched, almost a whine, and sounded needy. The older boy pondered for a moment over whether the tone had been sad or something else. It seemed almost like it had been, but at the same time, it sounded completely different.

Harry then let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a moan. Louis’s stomach clenched as the boy shifted microscopically in his sleep and he felt a hard pressure against his thigh.

Louis’s breath caught.

_Oh. God._ Harry was having a sex dream. About Louis. And Louis was hearing it all and his breathing was getting heavier and more erratic and he could feel the threads of arousal tugging through his body. Harry let out a small whimper and Louis held his breath as he felt himself begin to harden.

_Shitshitshitshitshitshit_. The firmness in Harry’s sweatpants pressed even more against Louis’s thigh and then he couldn’t take it anymore; he wormed out of the bed and quietly dashed to the bathroom. He shut the door and locked it. He sat down on the toilet and buried his head in his hands.

_Fuck shit fuck fuck fucking hell_. The thoughts of Harry’s little sounds filled Louis’s mind and he couldn’t push them away, so he gave up without much of a fight and slipped his sweats and boxers down a bit and grasped his almost completely hard cock. He pumped his hand up and down a few times, feeling slightly wrong but not being able to resist as Harry’s noises replayed in his brain again and again. He found himself thinking of the way Harry’s lean body pressed against his when they hugged, the way his deep voice sounded when it was husky in the morning, and his hand moved up and down faster as he felt himself near the edge. A familiar heat curled in his stomach and he bit his lip to keep from releasing any noises. Harry’s small sounds replayed in his mind again, and he was so close he would almost taste it and then he thought of his name leaving Harry’s lips in a desperate whine and that pushed him over, spilling onto his hand. Louis sat back, breathing slightly heavy. After a few moments he cleaned himself up and washed his hands, then returned quietly to the bedroom. He slid back into the bed, attempting to go unnoticed.

The figure next to him rolled over and Louis tensed. He could barely make out the open green eyes in the dark.

“Where were you?” Harry whispered. Louis froze and racked his brain for an excuse.

“Uh. Bathroom.” Harry seemed  to accept this and wormed his way back into Louis’s arms. The older boy noticed that any effects of Harry’s dream seemed to have worn off.

“I had a dream and I was kind of worried when I woke up and you weren’t here.” Louis’s heart beat a little faster and he unthinkingly said the first thing that came to mind.

“What did you dream about?”

“Oh. I, uh, I don’t really remember,” Harry stuttered. Louis pulled back slightly and nudged Harry’s face up with his hand.

“You know you talk in your sleep, right?” he whispered. Harry’s eyes widened and he quickly ducked his face down to hide in Louis’s neck. He groaned. Louis smiled a small smile and rubbed his back.

“Harry,” he soothed, “it’s okay.”

“That’s so embarrassing,” Harry mumbled into Louis’s neck. The older boy chuckled.

“It shouldn’t be. I . . . I think of you like that, too.” Harry pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes.

“Really?” he breathed. Louis nodded and placed his hand on Harry’s upper chest.

“I just never wanted to . . . like, push you,” he said hesitantly. The younger boy offered no response and Louis slowly slid his hand down to Harry’s stomach, allowing it to rest there for a moment before slipping it lower to fiddle with the waistband of his sweatpants. Harry’s breath hitched.

“You’re not pushing me,” he whispered. Louis looked into his green eyes for a moment before sliding his hand down lower to rest on Harry’s crotch above the cloth of the sweatpants. Louis inhaled sharply as he felt the boy already growing into his palm. Harry pushed his hips forward slightly so that Louis’s touch was definite instead of feather-light. He let out a small moan and that was what really sparked Louis into motion. Desire shot through his veins as he palmed Harry’s growing erection and used his body to change their position so that he was on top of the younger boy.

He kissed his way down Harry’s bare chest and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his sweats and boxers, slowly pulling them down. He pressed a few small kisses to the younger boy’s milky white thighs and glanced up at him as if to ask: _Is this okay_? Harry nodded eagerly and Louis grasped the base of his fully erect length and licked a stripe from where his hand stopped to the tip. Harry fisted the bed sheets and his hips bucked up and Louis used his other hand to pin them down. He took Harry in partially, immediately hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue around the tip. A small noise of pleasure escaped the curly-haired boy’s throat and Louis took him in deeper, making sure to cover what he didn’t with his mouth with his hand. He relaxed his throat and took Harry’s dick in his mouth as far as possible and began to bob his head up and down. Harry whined Louis’s name, just like before in his sleep, and the sound was really just so _hot_ that Louis moaned, his mouth vibrating around Harry’s cock. The younger boy let out a groan. Louis hollowed his cheeks again and Harry whimpered out a warning when he felt the familiar heat curling in his stomach.

Louis continued to move his head up and down until Harry came with a small cry and he swallowed readily. Harry’s grip on the sheets loosened as he rode out his high and Louis allowed the younger boy’s cock to slip from his mouth and he wiggled back up to his spot next to Harry on the bed. He pressed a small kiss to his lips and Harry cleared his throat quietly.

“Is there anything . . . I mean . . . um . . . that I can . . .” Louis chuckled when he realized what Harry was trying to ask.

“No, love,” he said softly, ignoring his semi. “Just try and sleep.” He kissed Harry’s forehead and the boy curled into him again. The two both quickly drifted into unconsciousness, exhausted and satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY SOME SMUT UGH I JUST WOW THAT TOOK FOREVER TO GET TO.  
> There's more coming, though, so please be patient ;)  
> Please please please pretty please leave comments. Thanks for reading! xx


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading, have this bookmarked, left kudos, or have commented, I love you so much bless you may your harvest be bountiful I hope you like this chapter.

Louis and Niall sat curled up together on the couch, watching Friends on Saturday night. Niall had had a small grin on his face for about the past five minutes and Louis watched him warily. The blonde boy didn’t notice, so he finally cleared his throat. Niall seemed to snap out of some sort of trance and looked over at Louis with a slightly guilty look.

“What are you so happy about?” the older boy asked.

“Uh. Nothin.” Louis cocked an eyebrow.

“Uhuh. Thinking about your _boyfriend_?” A blush crept up Niall’s cheeks and Louis smirked. “Been going for a while now, huh? Four months or five?”

“Five and a half,” Niall mumbled. Louis’s smirk widened.

At that moment the older boy’s phone began buzzing next to him on the couch. He saw ‘Harry’ lit up on the screen and got up and headed back to his room. Niall gave a small whistle as he left and Louis shot him a dirty look. Now it was the blonde boy’s turn to smirk as Louis shut the door to his room and pressed that ‘answer’ button.

“Hello?”

“Louis?” Harry’s voice was shaky and weak through the phone. Louis immediately tensed.

“Harry? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” The only response he received was a shuddering breath through the phone. He softened his voice. “Babe, I’ll do everything I can to help you with whatever’s wrong. But I need you to tell me so I can help you, okay?” He heard another exhale through the phone and then Harry’s voice came to him again.

“Yeah. Yeah. Okay.” Another deep breath. “It – it was Robin. I . . . I wanted to tell my mum. I did. Almost. I told her I was bi. But Robin heard . . . and he got really mad. I didn’t know he was there . . . he was yelling. And . . . Mum tried to help but she . . . and Robin almost hit her. And I didn’t know what to do but I knew I couldn’t let him hurt her so I pushed him away from her and then he got really mad. And then he stopped yelling and got really quiet. And – and then he got really close to me and got in my face and . . .” Harry’s voice broke. “He called me a faggot. And then I just stood there and my mum was crying and I didn’t know what to do and then he hit me.” Louis sucked in a sharp breath.

“Oh, my God, Harry. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Are you bleeding? What happened after that?”

“I’m fine. I’m not bleeding. My eye is a little swollen but it’s hardly noticeable.” He took a breath. “Robin stormed out of the kitchen and my mom was still crying and she started to apologize to me. And she just kept saying ‘I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry’ over and over again and I couldn’t figure out why she was apologizing so I told her it was fine and that I was going home early. She just nodded and now I’m just sitting in my car about a mile away from the house because I really, really needed to hear your voice, Louis.” There was a pause in which Louis waited for Harry to continue. “So – can you just, like, talk? I don’t even care what it’s about. I won’t be able to drive without thinking about it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure,” Louis said hurriedly. “But . . . you’re coming home now? How long will it be before you’re here?”

“About an hour and a half.” Louis took a small breath.

“Okay. Come straight to my flat?”

“Yeah. Of course. I’m driving now.”

“Okay.” Louis took a deep breath. “Okay. Um . . . what should I talk about?”

“Uh . . . I don’t know. Anything. Tell me about your day, whatever  comes to mind.”

“Um . . . Okay.” Louis hesitantly started describing pointless things about his day and that turned into a monologue in which he said whatever came to mind, things about a book he’d read recently or his thoughts on Niall and his boyfriend. Harry listened quietly and eventually let out a few chuckles. At some point in his description of his day, Louis thought about how much he’d been missing Harry, and he just went with it.

“And you’ve only been gone for a day and a half and I miss you like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about you today. It might sound insane but Niall was wearing a green shirt and all I could think of was your eyes.”

“Yeah?” Louis could hear the smile in Harry’s voice and he chuckled.

“Of course, Harry, your eyes are amazing.” There was a silence from the other side of the line for a moment.

“I’m almost home,” Harry said softly. Louis got up and one-handedly pulled on a jumper.

“Great,” he said as he quietly opened his door. Niall had gone to bed and the flat was quiet. He snuck through the hall and slipped out the door. “I’ll be waiting by the fountain.”

Harry beat him to the fountain and when Louis saw the younger boy standing there, he rushed towards him. Harry met him in a tight embrace. Louis grabbed onto the boy’s curls and pulled him as close as possible to himself. All of the worry and fear of the last hour and a half bubbled fresh into his mind and he pulled back.

“Oh, Harry,” he said softly as he noticed the swelling above the younger boy’s eye, even in the dark parking lot. “Let’s go up to my flat.” The two slid in the door quietly and Harry retreated to the couch. Louis retrieved an ice pack and brought it to the couch. He turned on the ceiling fan light and sat down next to Harry.

He reached out carefully towards the swollen area. His fingers brushed across it, feather-light. He grimaced at the pinkish-purple coloring right along Harry’s browbone. The younger boy watched his face intently as Louis brought the ice pack up to rest on the damaged area.

“Poor baby,” Louis murmured, half to himself. Harry still watched him intensely as he brought his hand up to cup the back of Louis’s neck and pulled him forward into a hard kiss. Louis hesitantly returned it, keeping the ice pack on Harry’s eye.

When they pulled apart, the older boy saw the tears streaming down Harry’s cheeks and a lump immediately formed in his throat. He pulled Harry into his arms, the ice pack falling. The younger boy buried his face in Louis’s neck. Louis rubbed his back soothingly, allowing Harry’s tears to soak his neck.

“I’m so sorry, Harry,” he said softly, his own voice hoarse. Harry shook his head.

“’S not your fault.”

“I know, but . . . I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He pressed a kiss into the mop of curly hair.

He held Harry until his crying subsided and the two, both exhausted, crawled into Louis’s bed and fell asleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next two weeks after the incident moved rather quickly. Harry’s eye didn’t bruise too badly, and it healed after a couple days. He seemed clingier than before. He was constantly with Louis – not that the older boy minded – and couldn’t keep his hands off of him. Harry was constantly intertwining his fingers with Louis’s, or cuddling into his side. Louis wasn’t sure what to make of all the constant physical contact – but he liked it.

Valentine’s Day was coming up, and Harry had insisted on cooking dinner for the both of them. Louis wanted to do something special for Harry, but couldn’t figure out what.

The Friday night before the fourteenth, Harry and Louis were curled up together in Louis’s bed. The younger boy nudged Louis’s neck with his nose.

“I hope you know I’m going to invade your kitchen tomorrow,” he whispered. Louis grinned and squeezed Harry’s shoulders with his arms.

“Great,” he said. “But Haz, what am I supposed to do for you if you’re cooking?” Harry chuckled.

“Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, you haven’t gotten something already?” he teased. Louis scowled into the darkness.

“No, because you’ve already taken cooking.” Harry snorted.

“You can’t cook for shit.” Louis sighed.

“I know.”

“Lou, you don’t have to do anything for me. You’ve done more than you could possibly imagine for me already.” He kissed slowly up and down Louis’s neck. Louis tried to ignore the tingly feeling this gave him and focus on their conversation.

“But it’s Valentine’s day,” he emphasized. Harry’s kisses branched across his collarbone.

“So?” he murmured into the older boy’s skin.

“So . . . I . . . um . . .” Harry ever so softly bit the sweet spot right where Louis’s shoulder met his neck. “Shit,” he gasped. The younger boy sucked gently on the sensitive area and Louis’s fingers dug into his back. Louis brought Harry’s face up to his and pressed their lips together desperately. The younger boy smiled cockily into the kiss as he returned it. Their mouths opened and their tongues danced together. As the kiss grew more heated, Louis’s thought went to the condoms and lube in his drawer.

He and Harry had been a lot more physical in the past two weeks, but had yet to actually _do_ anything. After a lot of deliberation, he’d finally decided to start keeping those things in his bedside table . . . just in case.

Now he could feel Harry hardening against his thigh. He traced patterns into the younger boy’s bare chest as he nipped Louis’s ear. He rolled his hips down onto Harry’s thigh and suddenly the younger boy giggled and wormed away. Louis gave him a confused look and he simply smiled mischievously.

“Later,” he murmured. Louis huffed and tugged Harry’s arm lightly towards himself. He willingly wormed  back into Louis’s arms and after a little while, the two fell into a deep sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis slept late the next day. He woke at 12:30 to find a note on his bedside table from Harry.

“ _Went to get ingredients. Be back soon_ _–H_ ”

Louis sighed and rolled over in his bed. He cuddled into the covers, searching for sleep to pass the time until Harry came home.

He slept very lightly until a curly-haired boy bounced into his room. Harry attacked Louis with tickles and the older boy yelped in surprise. He tried to worm away but Harry was relentless. He tickled Louis until he was gasping for air and when he stopped, he pressed a chaste kiss his lips. Louis scowled at him.

“Why did you do that?” he panted. Harry grinned.

“Because your laugh is cute.” Louis scowled. “Okay. So you are officially banned from leaving this room,” Harry said.

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m cooking!”

“So?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“What am I supposed to do in here until you’re done?

“I dunno, watch chick flicks or something.” Before Louis could response to that, Harry leaped off the bed and left the room, shutting the door on his way. Louis scowled in his general direction and picked up his favorite book. He started on page one, figuring it was the best way to get through a day of waiting.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis was on page 362 when he looked over at the clock and decided he ought to shower. He was still in the sweats he’d slept in with serious bed head. He lazily rolled out of the bed and started the shower.

The water ran hot across his back and he made sure to wash his hair thoroughly, wanting it to smell nice and be easier to style. He used the shower gel his mum had given his for Christmas and stepped out when he was done. He dried himself and wrapped the towel around his waist. Internally groaning at the idea of shaving, Louis shoved it aside and went to blow dry his hair.

The hair dryer prevented him from hearing Harry enter the room and he jumped when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist. The younger boy chuckled and pressed a kiss right behind Louis’s ear.

“Dinner’s in the oven,” he purred. “I have about fifteen minutes.” Louis turned off the blow dryer and flipped around in his arms.

“And what,” he said, “can we do in fifteen minutes?” Harry grinned devilishly and swiftly dropped to his knees, pulling down the towel around Louis’s waist on the way. He looked up at the older boy through his curly fringe and Louis already felt the arousal pooling in his stomach. Harry sucked a love bite onto Louis’s hip, placing his hands on the back on the older boy’s thighs.

Louis closed his eyes and tilted his head back. This was a lot more sudden than they usually went, but he had to admit, he liked it, and that was pretty obvious from the way that his cock was swiftly hardening. Harry grinned and grabbed the base of his shaft, taking in his tip and sucking gently. Louis let out a groan.

“Damn it, Haz, you’re such a tease,” he said, already breathless. Harry hummed around Louis and the older boy gasped and latched on to the curly locks. The younger boy easily slid his mouth down lower, beginning to bob his head as Louis tried to concentrate on keeping his knees from giving out. Harry hollowed his cheeks and swirled his tongue. Louis felt the familiar heat curling in his stomach and stuttered out a warning. Harry squeezed his thighs, sucking even more deeply. Louis came hot into Harry’s mouth with a choked gasp and the younger boy swallowed easily. He fluidly stood up and pressed a soft kiss to Louis’s lips. The older boy was a bit shaken at how quickly that had gone as Harry started to leave.

“That wasn’t fifteen minutes,” Louis managed. Harry looked over his shoulder and shrugged.

“Close enough,” he said with a dimpled grin.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Harry insisted on returning to his dorm to shower and change out of his sweaty clothes. Louis was finally granted permission to leave his room and Harry promised to be back in half an hour.

Louis went back into his bathroom after Harry left. He’d shaved and smelled of aftershave; his favorite pair of black jeans were snug on his legs; and now all he needed to do was his hair and decide on a shirt. He swept his hair up into a messy quiff, having to fight with the sides a bit but managing to get them to do what he wanted. He hadn’t been able to decide what to wear for the past half hour and his closet offered no help. He glared unhappily at the selection and after about ten minutes, he realized Harry would be back soon and he finally just closed his eyes and grabbed a shirt. The one he picked was a simple long sleeve, black cotton shirt with white stripes. He tugged it on just as a prompt knock sounded on the door.

He rushed to the door and opened it eagerly, a small laugh escaping his mouth when he saw Harry. The younger boy frowned.

“What?”

“We’re matching,” Louis said, still chuckling. Harry was wearing black skinny jeans, brown boots, and a dark navy blue long sleeve button-up shirt with white hearts scattered across it. Harry glanced down at his outfit and then at Louis’s and laughed.

“Aren’t we cute.” Louis grinned and pulled Harry in the door. He grabbed his face and brought him down for an eager kiss.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he whispered. Harry smiled and pecked his lips with another softer kiss, then pulled the older boy into the kitchen.

“What did you make?” Louis asked, eyeing the aluminium-covered pan on top of the oven.

“Lasagna,” Harry said as he uncovered the pan. It looked absolutely delicious and horrible unhealthy, white cheese covering lumps of beef and topped with various herbs. The smell found its way to Louis’s nose and he inhaled deeply. It smelled twice as good as it looked.

Harry cut them both a piece and carried the plates to the small dining area as Louis pulled a bottle of red wine from his pantry. He brought two glasses to the table and sat across from Harry. The younger boy grinned at him.

“Go on,” he said. “Try it.” Louis willingly took a bite and the flavors practically exploded in his mouth. All of the flavors worked together perfectly and the texture was perfect and it was just delicious.

“This is really, really, really great, Haz,” Louis said before taking another larger bite. Harry grinned.

“Really? I did all of it myself. Even the noodles.” Louis’s eyes widened as he chewed.

“All of it? By yourself?” Harry nodded and took a bite of his own.

“Mmm.” He giggled. “It is pretty good,” he said.

“That must have been so much work, Haz.” Harry shrugged. Louis took his hand and grazed his lips across his knuckles.

“I don’t deserve you,” he stated. Harry grinned sheepishly at him.

“I made dessert too,” he said. Louis grinned at him and simply shook his head.

The cake that Harry made really was good, and pretty too. It was a light, fluffy vanilla covered in creamy chocolate frosting. Harry cut a piece for the two to split, but they didn’t eat much of it after Harry got a bit of frosting near the corner of his mouth and Louis cheekily licked it off, turning the kitchen dessert into a steamy makeout session.

They stumbled into Louis’s bedroom, their mouths connected, and they walked backwards until they bumped into the bed. Louis lay down on it and Harry climbed on top of him, pressing open-mouthed kisses down his neck. The older boy moaned as Harry sucked yet another love bite into his neck. Louis’s hips bucked up, seeking friction, and the other boy’s hips met his. They both let out sounds of pleasure at the friction and Harry rolled over, pulling the older boy on top of him.

“Louis,” he whined. “I – I want you.” Louis pulled back to meet Harry’s gaze.

“Are you sure?” he asked softly. Harry nodded, bringing his hands up to rest on either side of Louis’s neck. He pulled his face down into a gentle kiss.

“Positive.” Louis pressed their lips together again, passionate but soft, this time slowly deepening the kiss. His tongue slipped along Harry’s lips and caressed his teeth. Harry allowed Louis complete dominance, submissively working his tongue around the other boy’s. Louis gently brought his hips down again, the bulge in his dark jeans meeting Harry’s. He twined his fingers into the younger boy’s curly locks and tightened his grip, causing Harry to twist his head to the side with a moan. Louis used the position to press tender kisses across his jaw and nip at his earlobe. Harry’s fingers found their way to the hem of Louis’s shirt and he tugged it up gently. Louis broke his mouth from the other boy’s skin so that Harry could pull the shirt over his arms and head. He placed his hands back on either side of Harry’s head and his eyes met the serene green ones. His heart ached at how beautiful the boy beneath him was and he ducked down to press a soft kiss to Harry’s lips. Louis tugged at the collar of the younger boy’s shirt and Harry, always on his wavelength, sat up partially so that the older boy was straddling his lap and he had easier access to the buttons of his shirt. Louis kept their lips pressed softly together as he slowly unbuttoned each of the buttons.

Harry’s fingers clumsily unbuttoned Louis’s pants and he noticed how shaky Harry’s hands were. Louis took the younger boy’s hands in his own and pressed kisses to his knuckles.

“Are you sure about this, love?” he whispered. Harry nodded and leaned forward for a kiss. Louis met his lips and then placed kisses down his jaw, to his neck, then down his chest. He gently pushed Harry’s shoulders back so that the younger boy was on his back again. Louis trailed his lips down Harry’s torso and when he got to his hip, he brushed his fingertips over the marred skin before covering the entire area with tender kisses. He easily unbuttoned Harry’s jeans and slid them all the way off, then did the same with his boxers. He wormed back up so that he was hovering over Harry. The younger boy hooked his thumbs into Louis’s pants and boxers and pushed them off, his green eyes exploring Louis’s blue ones. Louis’s eyes never left Harry’s as he reached for the lube in the bedside table. He pulled it out and Harry smirked slightly at the fact that Louis had it at all. The older boy pushed Harry’s thighs slightly and Harry spread them willingly. Louis slicked up two of his fingers with the lube and glanced up at Harry, who nodded his approval. He carefully slid one finger into Harry’s entrance and the younger boy pushed his head back against the pillow. Louis waited a second before he began to move it slowly in and out.

“S that alright?” he murmured, ignoring his own cock pressed against his tummy. Harry nodded, panting slightly. Once his finger began to move more easily, Louis added a second and eventually a third.

“Lou,” Harry gasped once the older boy’s fingers slipped easily in and out of him. “Please.” Louis took a deep breath and nodded. He brought himself back up to hover over Harry again as he reached for a condom in the bedside table. He tore the foil with his teeth and Harry snatched it out of his hands, grasping Louis’s shaft and rolling it on. Louis inhaled sharply at the sudden warmth of Harry’s hands and the younger boy smiled a satisfied grin. Louis reached for the lube again and spread plenty of it over himself. He carefully aligned with Harry’s entrance, one hand around the base of his cock and the other on the bed next to the younger boy’s head, supporting his weight. He glanced at Harry one last time.

“Are you sure?” he asked softly. Harry scowled slightly at him.

“ _Yes_ , Louis, get on with it, fuck.” Louis smiled at his anxiousness and he ever so carefully slid partially into the other boy. Harry reached his hands up to twine in Louis’s hair and his body clenched slightly. Louis brought his hand up to brush across Harry’s face.

“Relax,” he soothed. “It makes it easier.” Harry nodded and took a small breath. Louis restrained himself from thrusting into the younger boy until he had adjusted. He pushed farther in and Harry let out a soft exhale.

“Are you alright, Haz?” Louis asked, nervous that he would hurt the boy. Harry nodded, his grip on Louis’s hair tightening.

“Yes, Lou, just – fuck – move,” he breathed. Louis obliged and pulled out before pushing back in again, slightly faster this time. Harry let out a soft moan. “Faster, Louis. Shit.” Louis fisted the comforter as he began to thrust in and out, each time with increasing strength and speed. He angled slightly and Harry’s back arched as he let out a whine, and Louis knew that he’d hit that sweet spot. He aimed for that spot again with each thrust, hitting it repeatedly, Harry crumbling to a sweaty mess beneath him. His thrusts grew sloppier, more filled with need and he leaned down to press a messy kiss to Harry’s lips. The younger boy’s nails scratched down his back as he neared the edge.

“Louis,” he whimpered. “I’m – I’m gonna . . .” Louis brushed the sweat dampened curls out of his eyes with his free hand.

“Come for me, love,” he whispered, and Harry spurted hot onto his own stomach with a cry. Louis’s name left Harry’s lips in a desperate whimper, just like that night not too long ago, and that pushed the older boy over the edge and they clung to each other as they came down from their highs.

Louis carefully pulled out of Harry and tugged the condom off. He tied it and threw it into the wastebasket, then grabbed a towel off the ground and handed it to Harry. The younger boy cleaned himself off and discarded the towel on the ground as Louis lay on the bed next to him. They both wormed under the covers and the older boy opened his arms as an invitation. Harry cuddled into them, and he nuzzled Louis’s neck with his lips. Louis pressed a kiss to the slightly damp curls. Harry sighed a happy sigh and Louis quickly drifted to sleep. Harry’s mind was still a bit wound up, racing with thoughts of what he had just done and what that meant and what he had gotten himself into.

No worrisome thoughts could stay in his mind long when he was in Louis’s arms, however; so he quickly forgot about those things and slipped into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JESUS CHRIST YOU GUYS PROBABLY THINK I'M SERIOUSLY ANNOYING WITH ALL MY NOTES UGH I'M SORRY PLEASE LOVE ME.  
> Finally full on Larry smut! I'm sorry it's been taking so long. This has been a very stressful week with PUNK LOUS INOJEWIHRVBSUCLZKMX I CAN'T DEAL  
> Anyway...  
> Please leave comments... my inbox is lonely.x


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major, major trigger warning.  
> Shit, I love this chapter. Holy fuck.

“Niall?” The response came muffled from the other boy’s mouth pressed into Zayn’s neck.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” Zayn said simply. Niall smiled into the other boy’s warm skin.

“I love you, too.”

It was about three months after they’d confessed their feelings for each other, and surprisingly, the two were still a complete secret. Louis let Niall alone in his relationship as he got more involved with Harry. The darker boy was still oblivious to his best mate's relationship with their professor.

 Zayn had felt a bit of self-inflicted pressure to let out the secret but he’d yet to tell Niall about it. He’d been trying to push it away but the idea kept popping up in his mind. Niall wiggled up so that he was in a better position to kiss Zayn on the lips. Their mouths pressed together with familiarity and the kiss gradually grew more heated. Niall shifted slightly so that he was on top of Zayn and he used the position to roll his hips down. Zayn let out a load moan that prevented either of them from hearing the sound of the door opening.

“Niall? I’m – oops! Sor . . .” Louis trailed off as his mouth dropped at the scene before him. Niall sat up swiftly, still straddling Zayn. He stuttered out a few syllables and Zayn unthinkingly tried to sit up, sending Niall to the floor.

Louis’s eyes flicked back and forth between his student and his best mate on the floor. He tried to contain himself, but failed and burst into an absolute fit of laughter. Niall sat up from his position on the floor and scowled at Zayn. The dark haired boy’s eyes were as wide as saucers. Louis was doubled over, trying to muffle his laughs with his hand as Niall awkwardly stood up.

“Um,” the Irish boy said uncomfortably. Louis straightened and took a few gasping breaths.

“Sorry,” he managed. Zayn still sat motionless on the couch. One Louis regained his regular rhythm of breathing, he spoke again. “So. You two, yeah?” Zayn and Niall glanced at each other and the blonde boy gave a miniscule nod. Louis took a deep breath. “Well, I wouldn’t have guessed it.” Zayn finally rocketed off of the couch.

“Are – are you . . .” He licked his lips nervously. “Are you going to tell anyone?” Louis looked at the boy sideways.

“No,” he said seriously. “I’m pretty good at keeping secrets.” Niall glared into the back of his best mate’s head as he cockily strode off to his bedroom. Zayn looked over at Niall confusedly.

“What did that mean?” he asked hesitantly. The other boy shook his head.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he mumbled, eyes still trained on the path Louis had taken to his room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Later that night, Louis leaned against the cool back of the bathtub. The tub was huge, really, unbelievably so for one in a flat. It was round and almost the size of an indoor hot tub. He’d had enough room to completely submerge at first, holding his nose and enjoying the feeling of his hair swaying gently in the water. Once he’d judged himself finished with that, he’d added bubble bath to the water. Now, surrounded by white froth, he laid his head back so that his neck was exposed to the cool air and wet tufts of hair lay flat on the white edge of the tub. He let out a deep sigh. The past week had been especially rough. All of the students were anxious for spring break and most were not willing to do much work, but the professors needed grades. Louis had been forced to give out quite a few low grades due to laziness or incompletion. He was glad the week was over. Neither he nor Harry were going anywhere for break, so they were free to spend the whole time together.

A small knock sounded on the door.

“Who is it?” Louis called lazily, expecting Niall and wanting to bug him. The familiar deep voice answered back with laughter evident in it.

“Delivery man.” Louis grinned.

“Come in, Haz.” Harry entered with a chuckle, eyeing the white bubbles surrounding the older boy.

“Nice,” he said, cocking an eyebrow. Louis snorted.

“You want to join me and you know it,” he said smoothly. Harry grinned cheekily and knelt down to connect their lips. Their mouths brushed together sweetly and the younger boy’s tongue slipped easily into Louis’s mouth, exploring every familiar inch. Louis grinned internally and sucked softly on Harry’s tongue. The younger boy pulled away slightly, his breath already a bit labored.

“New trick?” he asked, trying to mask the pleasure in his voice and failing. Louis smirked.

“New for you, maybe.” Harry scowled slightly and stood up, tugging off his shirt. Louis tried not to stare at his ridiculously perfect body, the way his lean torso tapered off at his v lines.

Harry unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off along with his boxers. He climbed into the tub and settled between the older boy’s legs. He laid back so that almost every inch of his back was touching Louis’s torso and placed his head right next to the other boy’s neck. Louis sighed contently and wrapped his arms around Harry’s shoulders. He pressed a kiss to the younger boy’s hair, then pulled away and wrinkled his nose.

“You need to wash your hair, Haz,” he teased. Harry let out a groan of disapproval.

“I don’t wanna.” An idea popped into Louis’s mind.

“Let me do it.” Harry turned his head so that he was looking up at the older boy.

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure,” Louis said, eager now. Harry shrugged. Louis excitedly reached for the extendable faucet. “Close your eyes,” he ordered. Harry snorted but obliged. The older boy held the faucet as close to the curls as possible and ran it over Harry’s head until his hair was dripping and straightened with water. Louis pushed some of the hair back so it wasn’t in the younger boy’s eyes and reached for the shampoo. He poured a substantial amount into his hand and began to work it into the thick, wet mass of hair. Once it got foamy, his fingers began to work more easily through the locks and he massaged Harry’s scalp. The younger boy sighed happily and his entire body went limp and relaxed. Louis carefully washed the suds out, making sure not to get any of the bubbles in the younger boy’s eyes. He reached for the bottle of conditioner and lathered it onto the boy’s locks, working it all the way to the ends.

After he washed that out, Harry was practically asleep on his chest. Louis chuckled and toyed with the wet strands. Harry turned his head slightly, pressing his lips to the older boy’s neck lazily.

“Lou,” he purred. Louis hummed a response. Harry’s mouth worked its way up and down the boy’s neck, biting and sucking occasionally. Louis let out a soft moan and tugged a bit on the strand of hair in his hand. At that, Harry rolled over so that their chests pressed together and he connected their lips. Louis felt both of them hardening against each other and he let out another, louder moan.

Harry pulled away and his eyes explored Louis’s.

“Louis,” he breathed. “I want to tell my family.” He ducked down to suck at the older boy’s collarbone. It took Louis moment to figure out what he meant with that kind of distraction.

“Haz, wait. About us? About you? Are you sure that – ?” His words turned into a groan as Harry moved his mouth down lower to nip at his chest. “Haz,” he gasped, grabbing Harry’s face and pulling him up so that their eyes met. “Are you serious?” Harry nodded. “Are you sure? That’s . . . I don’t want you to get hurt again, babe.” Harry reached forward and took Louis’s bottom lip in his teeth, tugging slightly.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, lust and desire overpowering in his voice.

Louis had another point to make, but it leapt out of his mind when the younger boy palmed his erection, effectively ending that conversation.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Harry?”

“Zayn?” Harry asked groggily into his phone. “What are you doing up? It’s, like, 10:30.” Louis rolled over, gazing at Harry with half-closed eyes.

“Yeah, sorry. Can we go to the Bean Counter or something? I need to tell you something.” Harry glanced over at Louis, who was watching him questioningly.

“Uh . . . yeah.”

“Cool, fifteen minutes?”

“Uhm, sure.” The line went dead and Harry fell back onto the pillow.

“What was that?” Louis mumbled into his own pillow.

“Zayn,” Harry explained. “He wants to meet me at the Bean Counter.” He sighed. “Wants to tell me something.” Louis hummed his acknowledgement. Harry rolled out of the bed and grabbed his sweatshirt, tugging it over his head. After a moment, Louis rocketed to a sitting position.

“Wait, Harry,” he said, blinking and rubbing his eyes. “He wanted to tell you something?”

“Yeah.” Louis watched Harry for a second before a smirk tugged at his mouth.

“Haz?”

“Mhm?”

“Call me afterwards.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zayn sat relaxed on a couch when Harry entered the small coffee shop. He waved to the curly-haired boy as he joined him on the couch. Harry pretended to scowl at him.

“What is so important that you had to wake me up so early on a Saturday?” Zayn cocked an eyebrow.

“Why so tired? Were ya up late last night? Perhaps with a girl? You’re wearing the same clothes you were yesterday.” Harry blushed.

“Alright, alright. Now what’s up?” Linda interrupted with Harry’s usual mug of hot chocolate and he thanked her. Zayn sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“You’re gonna freak, Harry, just . . . Jesus Christ. This is so hard for me to do.” Harry’s brow furrowed slightly.

“Just tell me, Zayn. We’ve been best mates forever, I doubt it will shock me.” Zayn snorted.

“You want to bet?”

“What?”

“Nevermind, just . . . ugh, Harry. It’s just. Oh, my god.” Zayn took a deep breath. “You know Niall?” Now Harry was really confused.

“Niall . . . Tommo’s mate?” Zayn bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. “Yeah . . . I don’t _know_ him know him, but I know of him.”

“Well,” Zayn sighed. “Can you at least promise me to keep this a secret? I bet you’re going to flip and not want to be around me anymore, but I have to tell you. Just . . . can you keep it a secret?” Harry nodded hesitantly.

“Just tell me.” Zayn exhaled slowly.

“Harry . . . I’m gay. AndinlovewithNiall.” He said the last part in a rush and Harry just froze.

_ZaynZaynZaynisgayohmygodohmygodwhatdoIdoholyshit._

Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to think of something to say. Zayn watched him intently, never breaking their eye contact.

“I. Um.” Harry’s mind raced. Should he tell Zayn about him and Louis? It didn’t feel right. “Do – do you parents know?” he finally managed. Zayn grimaced slightly.

“No,” he said, eyes down. “No one knows. Well . . . one person knows. Besides you.”

“Who?”

“Um.” Zayn cleared his throat awkwardly. “Tommo.” Harry’s head snapped up and he somehow managed to choke on air. He coughed a few times into his hand before looking at his best mate.

“Tommo. As in, our professor.” Zayn nodded. _No wonder he looked so smug this morning._

Harry sat back against the couch, training his eyes on the ceiling. He sighed.

“Zayn, look. I don’t care if you’re gay. That’s fine.” The darker boy’s eyes widened.

“Really?” Harry closed his eyes.

“Yeah. You’re still, like . . . my best mate and stuff,” he mumbled. Zayn’s face was frozen in shock for a moment before he broke into a wide grin.

“You’re great, Harry,” he said, relief evident in his voice. Harry smiled a small smile and nodded.

“Wait,” he said, a thought occurring to him. “Is that why you’ve been out so much? You’ve been with Niall?” Zayn smiled cheekily.

“Well . . . yeah.” Harry chuckled.

“Must be pretty good.”

“Yeah,” Zayn sighed. “He is.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The two talked for a while longer, then departed with a tight hug. Harry smiled a sad smile at Zayn as he walked away, wishing he was courageous enough to do what the other boy had just done. He sighed and pulled out his phone, calling Louis.

“H’lo?” a groggy voice answered.

“I am very, very mad at you, Louis Tomlinson,” Harry scolded. A hearty laugh came from the other side of the line.

“And what are you going to do?” Harry clicked his tongue.

“No blowjobs for a week.” Louis’s laughter grew and Harry’s heart swelled at its sound.

“Oh, god no, please spare me,” Louis teased. Harry chuckled into the phone.

“I’m going to go by my dorm. I’ll be back over in a bit.” Louis agreed happily and they disconnected.

As Harry walked the short distance to his dorm, a heavy feeling began to make itself known in his chest. Zayn could do it. Zayn had the bravery to come out, even if it was only to Harry. He couldn’t do that. He wanted so desperately to tell someone, anyone, but he couldn’t. He’d gotten some crazy adrenaline high on his birthday; there was no way he’d get that kind of courage again.

These waves of thoughts lapped at the top of his head as he trudged up the stairs to his dorm. Harry knew he should stop, turn around, pick up his phone and call Louis, but he couldn’t. His body was operating completely by itself as he unlocked the door and entered the dorm. It was empty, thankfully.

He wandered into the bathroom, the familiar suffocating feeling tugging at him, threatening to pull him under. He sat down on the toilet, hands shaking as the unavoidable, unanswerable questions reeled in his mind.

_Why can’t I do what Zayn did?_

_Why can’t I just do it?_

_Why am I not brave enough?_

_Why am I not **good** enough?_

His breathing increased and he felt the familiar sensation that he was drowning. There was air, but not the kind he needed. The air flowed in and out of his lungs like it was supposed to but it didn’t satisfy him.

There was only one release, and Harry knew it. He tried to fight it. He did. He tried to gather the strength to go and call Louis but his body just wouldn’t obey. His hands shook as he fumbled in his bedside drawer for the small wooden box. A few tears escaped as he opened the lid. Inside lay the familiar razor blades, ones he’d been able to refrain from even looking at for months now. His lips parted and a small whimper escaped as he tugged his pants and boxers down slightly, exposing his hip and the very top of his thigh. He pressed a razor  to the delicate skin, hesitating slightly, then slicing a thin, quick line. He swiped two more before the pain started to ebb out of his body and he could breathe again.

After a couple deep breaths, Harry went to rinse off the razor and stepped out of his clothes and into the shower. The blood trailed down his leg and swirled into the drain like pretty red ribbons, the tears right next to them but invisible in the hot shower water.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis greeted him at the door of his flat, immediately shutting it behind him and  pressing the younger boy into the wall. He sucked gently at Harry’s neck.

“God, Haz. I want to suck you right-fucking-now.” Harry’s mind flickered to the freshly scabbed cuts on his thigh and he started to protest.

“W-wait, Louis . . .” The older boy dropped to his knees and looked up at him through his fringe.

“I already waited, Haz,” he purred, nuzzling the boy’s crotch through his jeans teasingly. Harry wanted to protest more, but his mouth couldn’t form words around the moans of pleasure dancing on his tongue. Louis swiftly unbuttoned his dark jeans and tugged them down to his knees, pulling his boxers down as well. He gripped the base of Harry’s cock and moved to the side to suck a teasing love bite onto his hip, his blue eyes watching Harry the whole time.

“L-Louis . . .” The older boy’s eyes finally flicked to the mark he’d just made and he saw the three lines on Harry’s upper thigh. He inhaled sharply, his hand moving quickly to brush his fingertips across the scabs.

“Harry . .  .” he said softly. Harry bit his lip and tried to hold back the tears. He’d disappointed Louis and he knew it and that killed him. He promised he wouldn’t do this anymore but he’d done it. He’d broken his promise. “How long ago?” Louis asked softly.

“Today.” Harry’s voice was hardly more than a whimper. He tried to get out a choked apology. “I – I’m so sorry, Louis. I know I promised and I’m so, so sorry. I couldn’t help it. Please don’t be mad at – “ He cut himself off with a strangled sob. Louis tugged up his boxers and jeans and led the younger boy to the couch.

He pulled Harry into his arms, the curls brushing across his ear as the boy’s tears flowed onto his neck.

“Shh,” he soothed. “Harry, baby, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you. It’s fine, okay? You’re going to be alright.” He pressed a kiss into the curly locks. “Love, I’m not going to get mad at you for breaking your promise. You’ve made it so far already and I’m so proud of you. It’s okay,” he said softly. Harry sniffed.

“I didn’t want to break my promise, Lou. I’m so sorry.” Louis stroked the younger boy’s hair and pulled him closer.

“Haz, you have nothing to be sorry for. You should be proud of yourself for going so long without cutting.” Harry shook his head into Louis’s warm skin.

“That’s not true.”

“Then what do you have to be sorry for?” Harry pulled back slightly and buried his face in his hands.

“For – for not being strong enough. For not being able to call you. For everything.” Louis gently pushed Harry’s hands away from his face and cupped his chin.

“Look at me,” he murmured. Harry obliged, his green eyes shiny with tears. “You are so strong, Harry. You’re amazing and wonderful and I’m so, so lucky to have you. Please don’t apologize for this. This is a part of you, and I want you. I want you when you’re put together and confident and I want you when you’re broken down and scared. Harry, I want _you_. Every part of you. I need you.” He took a deep breath. “I love you.” Harry’s eyes widened at the last statement and he drew in a ragged breath.

“Do you – do you really?” he asked, and Louis recognized that same vulnerable voice he’d heard on the campus what felt like an eternity ago.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I love you, Harry Styles.”

A fresh stream of tears spilled over the younger boy’s eyes and he brought their lips together with such passion that it actually knocked Louis a bit off balance. He kissed Harry back just as forcefully and when they pulled apart, Harry had a small grin on his face, the problems of just a few minutes ago pushed to the back of his mind.

“Louis, I’ve loved you from the minute you took my hand and pulled me to your flat to clean my arm. There’s just never been a time to say it.” Louis grinned his widest grin at Harry and pressed their lips together again. Their mouths brushed together a bit before Louis deliberately hitched up the younger boy’s shirt and pressed a kiss to each faded line, then tugged down his jeans slightly and placed tender kisses along the fresh scabs, wordlessly stating that he loved each and every inch of Harry, including the cuts, scabs, and scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments pleeeease. :)  
> I try and update every five hundred hits but hOLY SHIT NO, NOT WHEN I GET 500 HITS IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS UH NO.  
> I WAS VERY HAPPY FOR ALL OF THOSE HITS THOUGH THANK YOU  
> I LOVE YOU  
> This is not the end, by the way. It might sound like it but no.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda long. Trigger warning, I think? Argh.  
> It's probably going to be a little while before the next update so sorry about that.  
> Thank you so much for any and all comments.x

“Louis, I want to tell my family,” Harry said from his position on the older boy’s chest. Louis pursed his lips.

“Harry, are you sure? I don’t want a repeat of last time.”

“I’m positive. I don’t care what Robin thinks. I’m tired of hiding you. I’m tired of hiding _us_.” Louis nuzzled into the other boy’s curls.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, babe.”

“I’ll be fine. This needs to be done.” Louis hesitated.

“All by yourself?”

“Who else am I going to do it with?” The older boy bit his lip.

“You could do it with me.” Harry tilted his head up to meet Louis’s eyes.

“You?” he asked.

“Yeah, um, I mean,” Louis stuttered, “If – if you want. It might make things easier and . . . I don’t know. Just an offer.” Harry watched him intently for a moment before breaking out into a grin.

“You’d do that for me?” he asked softly. Louis nodded. Harry pushed his lips into the other boy’s, smiling slightly. Louis returned the kiss and brought his hand up to cup Harry’s jaw.

“When do you want to do it?” he asked when they pulled away. The younger boy contemplated before answering.

“Can we do it this week? It’s only Saturday. We have the entire week.”

“Are you sure this isn’t too sudden?” Louis murmured, stroking Harry’s cheek with his thumb. The younger boy nodded.

“It’s been on my mind for a while now.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Mum?” Harry said into the phone while Louis toyed with his free hand. “I want to see you this week. There’s something we need to talk about.”

The older boy’s eyes scraped over Harry’s face as he listened to the response. He couldn’t help but admire the long, dark lashes, the pretty, soft lips, and the sharp, shaped jaw.

“Oh, you’re working? Oh.” He paused again, listening. “Tomorrow? Um . . .” He glanced over at Louis.

“Well, Mum, there’s, um. I want to, like, bring someone.” A faint blush crept into his cheeks. “No, not a girl.” Louis snickered.

“His name is Louis.” Another pause. “Uh, yeah. Basically . . . university.” A longer pause. “Mum . . . I can’t answer that many questions at once. Okay. We’ll drive together, of course. Yeah. I wasn’t really expecting to stay at the house. I don’t know, I’ll figure that out later.” Louis could tell the younger boy was growing impatient.

“Leave the details to me, Mum, just . . . can we come?” He finally smiled a small smile. “Great. Yeah. Okay, Mum. Okay. Yes. _Okay_. I’ll be fine. It’s an hour and a half drive. I love you too. Okay. Bye.” He tapped the ‘end’ button and sighed, then looked over at Louis with a smile.

“We’re on.” Louis grinned.

“Great.”

“The only problem is that we have to drive out tonight and they don’t have two guest bedrooms.” Louis started to say they could have shared a guest room, but remembered that Harry probably wouldn’t want them knowing that right away.

“We can just stay in a hotel,” he said simply. Harry grinned.

“Okay.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Harry drove, mainly because he knew the way like the back of his hand. Louis slept through the majority of the ride and when they arrived in Chesire, they pulled into the first hotel they saw and checked in. It was only about 8:00 but they were both tired and collapsed on the bed together.

When Louis awoke, it was about one in the morning. He was wide awake and still felt gross from travelling. He decided to shower and slid off the bed. The hot water streamed easily down his back and he allowed the temperature to relax his muscles.

Louis was pretty nervous about the next day. He was scared for Harry, mainly. He wasn’t sure how his family would react, especially Robin. He still felt the overwhelming urge to protect the younger boy, keep him safe from any harm the world could cause.

His thoughts were interrupted by the shower curtain being pushed aside and a curly-haired boy stepping in behind Louis. Harry snuck his arms around the older boy’s waist and nibbled at his neck. Louis let out a small moan.

“Did I wake you?” he murmured.

“No,” Harry whispered into his skin. “This did.” He pressed their bodies flush together, his hips pushing into Louis’s bum. The older boy felt Harry’s semi pressing against his backside and left out a soft half-sigh, half-whine. Harry smiled into the back of his neck and his hands roamed across Louis’s torso, one eventually slipping down to wrap around the boy’s hardening length. Louis gasped at the warmth as the younger boy swiped his thumb across the slit.

Louis’s mind shifted. He suddenly got the urge to make Harry be the one to crumble under his touch. The majority of the time, the younger boy’s large hands and plump lips worked their magic, turning Louis into a bundle of need. He wanted to be the one to drive Harry wild for once.

He grinned to himself and slid his bum down and up once against the other boy’s erection. Harry gasped slightly and pressed his hips forward even more. Louis, pleased, repeated the action, slightly harder this time. Harry let out a moan and his grip on Louis’s cock tightened. The older boy bit his lip at the feeling and turned around, pushing Harry against the wall of the shower. He flipped around so that his backside was against Harry’s front again and ground against him once more. Harry groaned loudly, hands grasping at Louis’s hips.

The older boy did this again repeatedly and smiled in satisfaction as Harry’s moans grew louder and more desperate. Harry finally took Louis’s waist firm in his hands and sucked on the back of his neck.

“Lou,” he whined into the boy’s skin. “Please.” Louis turned around and grinned, pressing a hot, open-mouthed kiss to Harry’s lips. He promptly dropped to his knees and grasped the younger boy’s shaft. Harry tipped his head back and closed his eyes, working his fingers into Louis’s wet locks. The older boy took his cock in his mouth easily, hallowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue. Harry moaned, the loudest one yet, and Louis began to bob his head up and down.

The shower water was still hitting part of his head, allowing Harry’s fingers to slip easily through the thin strands. Louis loosened his throat and took the younger boy in completely. Harry tightened his grip on his hair and his hips bucked slightly. Louis brought his hands up and gently pushed them back against the shower wall as he continued to suck Harry off.

The younger boy whimpered his warning and Louis placed one hand on the back of his thigh, silently coaxing him to come. Harry spurted hot into his mouth with a cry and the older boy swallowed easily. He waited until Harry was finished before he allowed the boy to slip out of his mouth. He pressed a few tender kisses to the scars on his hip and stood up to press their lips together. Harry’s hand expertly slipped between their bodies and wrapped around Louis’s throbbing erection. The older boy gasped into their kiss at the sudden tightness and pushed his hips forward. Harry quickly pumped his hand, swiping his thumb across the tip. Louis broke the kiss and pressed his face into the younger boy’s neck with a moan.

Louis pressed as close as possible to the younger boy while still allowing his hand to move and twisted his hands into the curly locks. Harry let out a small whine and increased the speed of his hand. The older boy bit his neck softly as he neared the edge.

“I want your come on me,” Harry whispered, and Louis let out a loud moan, the familiar heat tugging in his stomach. The younger boy angled Louis’s cock slightly and he came, spilling onto Harry’s stomach. Harry stroked him through his orgasm and grinned as Louis pulled away, panting slightly.

“Shit, Harry,” Louis breathed. The younger boy pressed a quick kiss to his lips and simply smiled.

The older boy helped Harry wash off and the two stepped out of the shower, dried off, and slid back into the bed together.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Are you positive you want to do this, Haz?” Louis asked, stroking Harry’s face with the back of his fingers. They were leaning against the car outside the younger boy’s house, preparing to go inside. Harry took a deep breath.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure.” He pressed a kiss to Louis’s lips and headed towards the door. He gave three quick taps on the door and a thin, dark haired girl that looked to be about mid-twenties opened it.

“Harry!” she squealed.

“Gem,” he said, surprised. She leapt forward and enveloped him into a hug. He grinned at her when they pulled apart. “What are you doing here?” She shrugged and returned a similar grin.

“I thought it would be a good time to visit.” Harry shrugged and gestured slightly to Louis.

“This is Louis. Louis, this is my sister, Gemma.”

“Hi, Louis!” she exclaimed, tugging the older boy into a hug. Startled but pleased at her friendliness, he returned the embrace.

“Hi.”

“Well, come in, you two,” Gemma urged, opening the door wider and stepping back. Harry stepped in, followed by Louis.

“Where’s Mum and Robin?” Harry asked, looking around the entry hall.

“Mum’s in the kitchen, Robin’s outside, I think.” Harry nodded.

“We’re gonna go say hi.” Gemma smiled the same, easy, perfect smile that was often on Harry’s face.

“Sure.” Harry led Louis into a fairly large kitchen, a large, open area with plenty of counter space and an island. A woman stood at the island, chopping onions. She had the same dark, layered hair as Gemma and wore dark jeans, a cotton white button-up shirt, and a cream-colored apron. She looked up at the boys as they entered and smiled at them. Louis noticed she had the same smile as her two children and Harry’s vibrant green eyes. She wiped her hands on the apron, set her knife down, and walked over to greet Harry with a hug.

“Hi, Mum,” Harry said, muffled by her hair.

“Hello, love.” She pulled back and smiled at Louis, extending her hand. He shook it and grinned at her. Her hand felt strong but somehow still feminine, soft to the touch but with a firm grip. Louis liked her immediately.

“Louis.”

“Anne.”

“You have a lovely kitchen,” Louis commented. She grinned widely at him.

“Why, thank you, dear. It’s my favorite part of the house. I love to cook.”

“What are you making today?” Harry asked.

“Broccoli cheese soup and tomato basil ham sandwiches.” She returned to her place cutting onions. “Robin’s outside, if you two want to say hello.” She looked at Harry pointedly. “Louis, dear, make yourself at home.” Louis smiled politely.

“Thank you.” Harry gestured for Louis to follow him and he led the boy through the living room to a door that led outside. The backyard was really lovely, with colourful flowers and a large expanse of bright green grass. A swinging bench sat partially nestled in some bushes and a balding man with a potbelly sat on it, reading a newspaper. He noticed the two boys and folded it as he stood.

“Hey, Harry,” he greeted. Louis’s jaw clenched slightly. Somehow it was offensive that he seemed so friendly to the younger boy. He’d _hit_ him.

“Hi, Robin,” Harry practically mumbled, accepting the hand the older man offered and meeting him in a half hug. He stepped back and gestured to Louis. “This is Louis. Louis, this is Robin.” Robin extended a hand to Louis and he shook it.

“Hello, Louis.”

“Hello.” Louis smiled a tight-lipped smile.

“Harry knows you from university?” Robin asked politely.

“Uh, yeah. We . . . have English together.” He could see Harry smirking out of the corner of his eye and the younger boy quickly spoke again.

“We’re going to go hang with Gem. I haven’t seen her in forever.” Robin nodded, sitting back on the swing. Harry left the backyard and Louis followed. The younger boy visibly relaxed once they reentered the house and he turned back to Louis, smiling. “Want to see my room?” Louis grinned and nodded.

Harry led the older boy to a room in the very back of the house. He opened the door and they stepped in. Louis gasped. The room was the very opposite of what he’d expected. It was painted a dark, navy blue with a single sky blue stripe around the middle of every wall. There were unlit Christmas lights hanging on the wall, which was also decorated with a few posters of girls. Louis tried not to cringe at the idea of a young Harry living in a room constantly persuading him to be straight.

The bed was relatively simple, a twin-sized mattress with a grey comforter and blue pillows. A matching grey chair that looked incredibly comfortable sat in a corner with light blue bean bags on either side. A large dark brown wooden dresser sat flat against the wall opposite the bed. The room was so surprisingly _Harry_ (besides the posters) that Louis just stood in awe. Harry watched him with a grin.

“You gotta see this,” he said, rushing over to an electrical outlet. He plugged in a dangling plug and the Christmas lights suddenly came to life, switching back and forth from white to multi-colored. Harry closed the blinds completely and the room was transformed. The walls danced with the soft, colored light that also spun across Harry’s milky white skin.

“Wow,” Louis murmured. Harry continued to watch him with that same goofy grin.

“I loved my room. It was one of the places where the house didn’t really feel like the house when I needed it too. The only bad thing is the memories of the girls I brought back here.” He crinkled his nose slightly. Louis laughed.

“Girls? Plural?” he asked teasingly. Harry stuck his tongue out.

“Girls. Plural.”

“And what did they think of the posters?” Harry laughed and shrugged.

“I guess they thought it was normal.” Louis didn’t have a response for that and after a moment, Harry tugged him by his hand over to the large dresser. “Look,” he said, voice soft. He pressed a button on the side of the dresser and all of the drawers opened at once, layering out slightly. They revealed a closet-like space full of miscellaneous items. Louis knelt down to examine some of the various things. He saw a macramé bracelet cut in half, a small leather book, a miniscule picture frame with a picture of a cat in it, a tiny dreamcatcher, and a small wooden box. He reached toward the box and picked it up, turning it over and over in his hand.

“What’s in here?” he asked. Harry watched him carefully and nodded towards the box, gesturing for the older boy to open it. He did, and saw a few notecards with messy print on them. He lifted them out and revealed four razor blades, glaring up at him with pointy edges. One showcased a small bloodstain on the edge like a trophy. He inhaled sharply.

“Harry . . .” The younger boy sat down next to him crisscross.

“Read them,” he urged quietly. Louis turned his attention to the note cards and set the box down. He noticed the print wasn't messy like he originally though, just loopy and curly. It definitely wasn’t Harry’s.

As Louis flipped through the four cards he noticed that they were anti-self-harm/suicide notes.

The first one read:  _Please don’t hurt yourself tonight._ The second: _Keep living, just one more day. Then read this tomorrow._

_You are good enough. I love you._

_Please don’t take yourself away from us tonight._

Louis read each of the cards twice over, then looked up at Harry. The younger boy picked at a loose strand on his jeans.

“Gem,” he explained softly. “She found the razor blades. One day we were messing around and I hid something of hers. She snuck in my roomed and snooped around, trying to find it. And she found that box instead. The next time I went to cut, those notes were there. I stood there, shaking for a minute, then ran to her room and cried. She just sat there and let me cry, and when I was done she told me she was sorry. When I asked what for, she wouldn’t say. She just said sorry.” Harry took a shaky breath and finally met the older boy’s eyes.

Louis held his gaze as he leaned in slowly, cupping Harry’s jaw. The younger boy’s eyes slipped closed and Louis hesitated for a second, savoring the way the perfect pink lips parted in anticipation of his own. He finally closed his own eyes and closed the distance between their lips. Their mouths met softly, tenderly, comfortingly. Louis stroked the younger boy’s cheek as their lips pushed together, trying to convey as much feeling into the brushing of their skin as possible. They pulled apart and Louis softly kissed Harry’s forehead, the tip of his nose, up his cheekbone, and briefly scraped the boy’s earlobe with his teeth. The green eyes kept closed as Louis kissed down his jaw, to his chin, and finally to his lips again.

When their lips broke apart again, Harry wrapped his long arms around Louis’s waist and tugged him into an embrace. The older boy leaned forward to return it; their sitting positions causing a reverse height difference. Harry’s head came level with Louis’s collarbone and he nuzzled into it. Louis softly stroked the curls and pressed a kiss into them.

“I think,” he said softly, “that I might like your sister very much.” Harry pulled back and smiled at him.

“I think she might like you very much too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They all ate dinner together, everyone contributing to polite conversation, but Gemma taking the  majority of Louis’s attention. They talked vigorously about different literary works. It turned out that they had many common favorites and were both suckers for classics such as Shakespeare and Charles Dickens. After the meal (which was quite delicious), Anne and Robin went to sit outside together and Harry excused himself to the restroom, leaving Gemma and Louis alone in the dining area. Louis wasn’t unhappy with this arrangement; he quite enjoyed Gemma so far. Her light and fluffy demeanor changed slightly when her brother left to the restroom. She leaned forward and lowered her voice. Louis, slightly worried, waited for her to speak, and when she did, she uttered one simple word.

“Boyfriend?” Louis, startled, couldn’t think of an immediate reply.

“Um. Pardon?” he stuttered.

“You. Harry. Boyfriends?”

“Uh . . .”

“Don’t lie to me, Louis. I hardly need confirmation.” Louis’s brow furrowed.

“What does that mean?” Gemma huffed.

“Anyone with eyes can see the way he looks at you. And you at him. I certainly don’t look at any of my friends like that. And don’t think I didn’t see his hand tracing patterns in your thigh.” Louis gulped.

“Um. Well. I guess . . . Uh. Yeah.” Gemma nodded.

“If my stepfather weren’t under the unbendable delusion that Harry is straight, he’d have seen it too.” She straightened slightly. “Is that what you two came to tell everyone?” Louis nodded weakly. Gemma leaned forward again.

“Louis . . .”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re willing to do this? It’s not going to end well, I hope you know that.” Louis sighed deeply.

“I know. Believe me, I know. But yes, I am one hundred percent willing to suffer whatever consequences this may bring. Harry . . . Harry is worth it.” Gemma watched him carefully for a moment before her lips tugged into a small smile. She spontaneously leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the boy’s cheek.

“I like you, Louis.” He grinned at her.

“Thank you, Gem. I like you too.” Harry returned at that moment and took his seat next to Louis. The older boy looked over at him.

“You ready?” he asked softly. Harry inhaled slowly and nodded. He got up, went to the back door, and asked Anne and Robin to come inside. They all moved to the living area. Robin sat in a recliner, Anne stood next to him, Gemma stood slightly out of the way, near the hallway, and Louis and Harry sat together on the couch. Harry leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He clasped his hands and took a deep breath.

“Mum . . . Robin . . . I know this isn’t going to end well. I just know it. But I can’t keep it secret anymore. Robin, I don’t care if you don’t accept it. I don’t live here anymore. But my mum and Gemma need to hear it. I’m pretty sure Gem already has it figured out anyway.” He glanced towards his sister and she smiled a small, encouraging smile.

“Mum, Robin, I’m gay. I’m not bisexual. I don’t like girls at all. I never have and never will. I’m completely and totally gay, and I’m in love with Louis.” Despite the dire situation at hand, the older boy’s heart fluttered at that statement.

Robin’s face was oddly calm as he rose to his feet. The atmosphere of the room shifted immediately. Tension settled over everyone and all eyes were on Robin. He stepped closer to the couch and Louis suddenly felt like a kindergartener about to be punished. Anne watched nervously, looking like she wanted to step forward, but something held her back. Robin looked down at Harry with what Louis could only describe as disgust in his eyes. His voice was low and fiery.

“Harry, it’s your life and if you want to live it that way, there’s nothing I can do to stop you. But don’t you dare come in my house with your little faggot boyfriend ever again.” Anne stepped forward at that, grabbing the man’s arm.

“Robin,” she began, but he pushed her back with much more force than necessary. She stumbled back and tripped over the recliner. Gemma gasped and rushed to her side. Harry rocketed to a standing position and stood menacingly close to Robin.

“Talk about me any way you like, Robin. I don’t give two shits. But don’t you ever talk about Louis that way or put your hands on my mother again.” One of Robin’s hands came up to place a tight grip on Harry’s shoulder.

“And what are you going to do about it?” he hissed. The boy cried out in pain as the fingers dug into his shoulder, putting pressure on his collarbone. At that sound, Louis instinctively shot up and yanked Robin’s hand off of Harry.

“Don’t you fucking lay a hand on him,” he snarled, stepping as close to Robin as he dared. Robin’s face turned pink with anger.

“Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re just a queer, girly faggot.” Louis looked him dead in the eye, anger boiling up inside of him, making his vision blur slightly.

“Better than being an abusive, homophobic twat.”

The last thing he saw before everything went black was Robin’s fist, coming fast towards his face.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short! I hope you guys like it...  
> Thanks so much for the comments I've been getting! Tons of love.xx

Louis woke with a pounding headache. He groaned as his eyes opened and adjusted to the light. Gemma sat above him, and she smiled a small smile as he became aware of his surroundings. He was in his and Harry’s hotel room, on a bed with Gemma in a chair beside it. He sat up slowly and an ice pack fell onto his lap. Gemma picked it up and placed it softly on his cheekbone. He brought his hand up to hold it and grimaced slightly.

“Where’s Harry?” His voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat.

“In the bathroom.”

“Is he alright?” Gemma hesitated.

“Physically, he’s fine, yeah.” Louis sighed and nodded.

“What happened?”

“Well, after you got knocked out, Harry freaked. You didn’t go unconscious right away, and he tried to keep you awake. Robin basically told him to get the fuck out, and he pretty much said happily. Mum told me to go. I didn’t want to leave her at first but she said she’d be fine, so I helped Harry carry you out to his car. I have a bit of medical training so I could tell you didn’t need to go to the hospital and here we drove. We’ve only been here about twenty minutes.” Louis sighed again.

“Jesus Christ.” Gemma nodded.

“Tell me about it.” Louis carefully stood.

“I’m going to talk to Harry.” He set the ice pack down on the bed and slowly walked to the bathroom. He knocked before entering. A shaky Harry with tear-stained cheeks looked up at him with shiny green eyes. He stood up quickly.

“Louis,” he started, but hesitated. The older boy closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist. Harry returned the hug with a choked exhale.

“I’m so, so sorry, Haz,” Louis mumbled into the boy’s neck. Harry’s body shook again with sobs.

“Louis, no,” he managed through his tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I let you come with me. I didn’t mean for you to . . .” he trailed off, the tears stealing his voice. They pulled apart and Harry crumpled to the floor, landing on his knees. He gripped his knees and stared down at the ground. A few tears landed on the back of his hands. Louis knelt down as well and pulled the younger boy into his chest.

“Harry, baby, shh,” he soothed. The younger boy whimpered into his shirt, the sobs attacking his throat now. “Haz, please, stop crying. Please don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault.” Louis stroked the boy’s curls in an attempt to sooth him. His protective desire was knawing at him now, urging him to do something, but he didn’t know what. All he could do was murmur comforting things to the younger boy and hold him close.

When the tears decreased enough, Louis pulled back slightly.

“Harry, please promise me you won’t blame yourself for this.” Harry’s lower lip trembled.

“But – “

“It’s not your fault. Haz, love, I was prepared for something like that. I’m just glad you weren’t the one who got hurt this time.” Harry shook his head, eyes welling up with tears again, his voice too far gone to protest audibly. Louis’s heart broke and he cupped the boy’s chin.

“Harry, baby, sweetheart, please, please, please don’t blame yourself. This is in no way your fault. I don’t want you beating yourself up for this. Can you promise me that? Please?” Harry took a shaky breath and finally nodded, but didn’t meet Louis’s eyes.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Four days later, Louis anxiously sat on the couch of his flat. It was 2:42 PM and Harry hadn’t come over yet. For the entire break, the younger boy had constantly been at Louis’s flat. They hadn’t done anything really, just cuddled and watched movies. The previous day, Harry had been especially interested in any and all physical contact with Louis, ranging from blowjobs to long, tender kisses. He hadn’t spent the night, instead left with a very long embrace and kiss from Louis. There had been a slightly sad look in his green eyes when they pulled away, but it was quickly replaced by a dimpled smile. Louis had been slightly displeased. Even the smile had seemed off last night.

He was starting to get worried. He’d sent a text about half an hour ago and had received no response. That was hardly out of the ordinary, Harry rarely ever responded to a text within an hour of receiving them, but for some reason, a bad feeling was permanently settled in Louis’s stomach.

The door to the flat opened and Niall walked in, his hand linked with Zayn’s. The two boys entered the den.

“Hey, Lou,” Niall greeted cheerfully. Zayn seemed a bit surprised to see the older boy but extended a similar greeting.

“Hey,” Louis said with a small smile.

“You aren’t with Harry?” Zayn asked, brow furrowed. Harry had told him about his and Louis’s relationship right after they’d gotten back from Chesire. Although startled, he’d accepted it with ease.

“No,” Louis said cautiously. “Why?”

“I thought you might have been. I talked to him on the phone about forty-five minutes ago, and he said some kind of weird stuff. I tried to call him back cause I forgot to tell him something but he didn’t pick up.” The uneasy feeling in Louis’s stomach increased.

“What kind of weird things?” Zayn shrugged slightly.

“I dunno, maybe I’m over exaggerating. He was talking about how blue the sky is. Rarely he has those kind of days, so I just went with it. Like, ‘yeah, man, the sky’s really, really blue.’ He said something about how he’s just been to the drugstore.” Louis’s stomach dropped. _No. Could it be_? “Oh, and right before we hung up, he said something about how great of a friend I was. It was kind of odd but who am I to turn down a compliment?” Louis’s heart started beating insanely fast.

He shot up out of his seat. _Harry. Harry had just been to the drugstore. Drugstores had dangerous things. Drugstores had razors. Drugstores had pills._

He needed to check on Harry.

“Zayn,” he said hurriedly. “Do you have a key to Harry’s dorm?” Zayn creased his brow.

“No. He leaves it unlocked if he’s there.” Louis didn’t respond, just bolted down the small hall of the flat and out the door.

He ran as fast as he could down the stairs and across the parking lot, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a car. He dashed across campus towards the dorm buildings, his heart racing and adrenaline pumping in his veins.

Now that the possibility was before him, he realized that Sunday was the first time he’d found out Harry had been suicidal. He’d brushed it off because he thought maybe that had passed. He’d been so blind. The younger boy had been so different in the past few days. Touchy, but withdrawn; he’d spent the most amount of time with Louis possible. And now the phone call with Zayn . . . the drugstore . . . what he’d said before hanging up with his best mate. _He said something about how good of a friend I was._ Almost like . . .

A final goodbye.

Louis’s legs protested but he forced them to move even faster. His breath was coming hard and heavy by the time he reached Harry’s dorm building, but he didn’t care. He ran up the stairs and to the younger boy’s dorm as quickly as possible.

Before opening the door, he said a quick prayer that the door would be open. He tried the knob, but it wouldn’t budge. His stomach dropped as he attempted the knob again and it refused.

 _Shit. Shitshitshitshit_.

His heart rammed in his chest as he panted, his mind racing for a solution. Suddenly, a memory hit him like a wall. He flashed back to the week before first semester, when the dean was showing him the ropes of the school.

_Louis, see this little space back here, behind the old air conditioner? These haven’t worked for ages but we keep them because of this little space. There’s one in every hallway of every floor of every dorm building._

_Can you keep a secret?_

_Good._

_In each space there’s a master key for every dorm room in that specific hall. They’re hardly ever used, but they’ve come in handy often enough for us to keep them._

_Be sure it’s an absolute emergency before you use it. Chances are you won’t need to. Just keep the secret for us, okay?_

Louis frantically looked for the air conditioner. He located it at the opposite end of the hall from himself. He dashed to it, ducking down to check the same space the crevice had been on the other vent months ago. Thankfully, it was, and the key was tucked into the small area. He pulled it out and ran back to the dorm door. The key slid in easily and Louis nudged the door open.

He entered hesitantly, the absolute fear of what he might find finally sparking in his tummy.

“Harry . . .?” he called softly. What he could see of the dorm was empty. He cautiously walked around the corner that concealed a small area of the dorm with a sink and part of a bed.

The curly-haired boy sat with his back against the corner. His head was slumped over, partially resting on his own collarbone. His arms were placed on top of each other across his tummy and his knees were bent and raised slightly. Louis’s stomach tightened and his heart skipped a beat. He hurried over and knelt down next to the boy.

“Harry?” he asked. When he received no response, he carefully nudged the boy’s shoulder. Still no response. His hands shook as he stood and noticed the open bottle of over the counter ibuprofen pills on the edge of the sink. He picked it up and his knees went weak. It was about a third empty. His mouth turned dry and he numbly took out his cell to call for an ambulance.

The woman on the other side of the line reminded him to be calm and promised to send paramedics right away. He hung up and sank to his knees beside Harry.

Louis felt so stupid. How could he have missed this? He’d noticed Harry had been different since they’d returned from his house Sunday. But he didn’t say anything about it. He’d thought it would have just blown over, and it didn’t. He had been so idiotic. He’d brushed off something that had ended up in this. He could have prevented it. Harry could have still been happy and full of life in his arms if he’d just made a little effort.

Indescribable grief stabbed into him. The numb feeling was gone, replaced with a thousand spikes of anguish. His chest felt like it was caving in, his hands shook furiously, and his heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of his body.

Tears pricked at his eyes and he took a big, shuddering breath. He reached for the younger boy’s hand. The tears spilled over as he took the still-warm, limp fingers in his own. He lifted Harry’s hand to his face and pressed it to his cheek as his face grew wetter with salty tears. A choked sob escaped his throat and he gripped on to his jeans with his free hand.

Suddenly, the boy’s fingers twitched.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of short, sorry...  
> Thank you guys so much for all of the wonderful comments.xx

Louis’s head snapped up and he wondered if he’d imagined it. The tears blurred his vision and he wiped his eyes furiously. His view became clear enough for him to see the incredibly faint movements of Harry’s chest.

Louis inhaled a huge amount of air, the sweet relief coursing into his lungs.

“Mmm,” Harry hummed, his head turning to the side. His eyes slipped open lazily and he seemed to be concentrating very hard.

“Harry,” Louis choked out.

“Lou?” the younger boy said softly. His brow furrowed. “Why are you crying? I can’t see very well . . .” Louis gripped his hand tighter.

“Harry, baby, I need you to do something for me,” he said urgently.

“Mmm . . . what?” Harry’s eyelids slid down slightly.

“I need you to stay awake. I need you to try and keep your eyes open. I need you to try.” His voice broke. “I need you, Harry.” Harry frowned slightly.

“I’m right here.” His eyes remained mostly closed.

“I know, Harry, I know. Can you open your eyes for me, love? Please?” The younger boy frowned, but with some concentration, obliged.

“Lou, I’m so tired. Can’t I sleep?” Louis took a shaky breath and squeezed Harry’s hand.

“Later, Haz, okay? Just stay awake for me until help gets here.” Harry yawned a small kitten-yawn.

“I’ll try,” he murmured. Louis sighed nervously.

“Thank you, Haz. It shouldn’t be long.” The younger boy scooted closer to Louis and curled against his side. Louis tilted his head up so that it rested on his shoulder and he could make sure that Harry was still awake as they sat together. Harry sleepily reached his fingers towards Louis’s free hand and tangled their fingers together loosely.

About five minutes passed and Harry seemed to waken a bit more. He took in his surroundings silently and looked up at Louis. Complete understanding was present in his green eyes and Louis realized that he probably had no idea what was happening prior to that moment. The younger boy silently raised his hand to point to the shelf near his mattress. Louis looked over to it and saw a small envelope. He reached his hand up to hold Harry’s again.

“Later,” he whispered. He pressed a kiss to the boy’s forehead. “I love you, Harry.” The younger boy smiled a lethargic smile.

“I love you too, Lou.”

The paramedics entered the room at that moment with a gurney. They placed Harry on it and after grabbing the small envelope, Louis followed them silently out of the dorm building, silently praying thanks that they went unnoticed to the other dorm occupants.

The medics allowed him to ride in the ambulance. He held Harry’s hand the whole way, but they told him to stay in the waiting room when they arrived at the hospital. A nurse looked at him sympathetically.

“If you want to help him in any way, you can contact family members and let them know he’s here,” she said gently. Louis nodded, grateful that he’d gotten Gemma’s number Sunday.

He called her, and she took the news pretty easily, promising to be right there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Gemma arrived, the nurses told her no one could see Harry because he was in ICU. She walked over to where Louis was sitting, a blank expression on her face. Louis stood when she got close enough to him and they stood in silence for a moment. Finally, she sighed and they both went in for a hug. They held tight to each other, grateful for someone to hug.

They pulled back and sat next to each other. Gemma leaned her head on Louis’s shoulder.

“When are you supposed to leave?” Louis wondered aloud. Gemma hesitated.

“Today . . .” She looked at her watch. “My flight left about . . . an hour ago.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know. Harry is most important right now.” Louis nodded and hesitantly rested his head on top of hers.

It was about two in the morning when a doctor made his way over to Louis and Gemma. He was wearing scrubs and a white doctor’s coat. His hair was a dark brown and he seemed relatively young for a doctor. He smiled a small smile at them. Louis nudged Gemma, who had been drifting in and out of sleep on his shoulder. They stood.

“How are you two related to Harry?” the doctor asked. His voice was soft and comforting. It reminded Louis of relaxing in a hammock with a spring breeze blowing in your hair. He already liked the doctor. He was comforting somehow.

“Sister,” Gemma said.

“Boyfriend,” Louis added. The doctor nodded.

“Well, it’s not looking bad. There’s still a possibility that things could go south, but it’s getting slimmer by the minute. He’s stabilizing. We had to put him under to remove to contents of his stomach, so he’s still asleep. It doesn’t look like there’s going to be any permanent damage.” Louis let out a small sigh of relief.

The doctor took Gemma aside privately for a moment, then left after a quick glance at Louis. Gemma trudged back over to the chairs they’d been sitting in and laid her head back on the top of the chair. Louis sat down next to her.

“Did he say when we’ll be able to visit?” Gemma’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Family can visit tomorrow,” she mumbled, lethargy evident in her voice. “If he stabilizes then you can visit day after.” Louis sighed slightly.

“Well, that’s pretty soon.” Gemma nodded slightly, her eyes still closed. “Have you called Anne yet?” She shook her head.

“No. If I do she and Robin will come tomorrow and get to see him before you. The doctor said he should be awake by the time you can visit. I want you to be the first person he sees.” She hesitated, opening her eyes and sitting up straight. “So be here as soon as visiting hours start, okay?” Louis smiled a small smile and nodded. Gemma closed her eyes again and positioned her head on the boy’s shoulder. He leaned back a bit as she fell asleep on him and he eventually drifted to sleep himself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder: this is completely FICTIONAL. None of this represents the actions of any of the characters, nor do I believe any of the characters' personalities are exactly as they are depicted.  
> Specifically for this chapter, I love Perrie, she seems like a sweetheart. For previous chapters: I also adore Eleanor, even as a hardcore Larry shipper! She's cute as a bug.  
> Okay, I hope you guys like this chapter! I haven't been writing as much Ziall because I recently started shipping Ziam pretty hard and so Ziall has become a bit more difficult to write.  
> Next update will be whenever I finish writing chapter 18.xx

It took a lot of persuasion, but Gemma convinced Louis to go home on the day he couldn’t visit Harry. She promised to phone with any updates and practically pushed him out to his car.

He was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep very much. The bed didn’t feel right without a familiar curly head of hair nuzzling into his neck. He spent a lot of the night watching chick flicks in his room, drinking tea. His phone remained silent all throughout the night, and no amount of staring could convince it to ring.

When the morning finally came, Louis spent as much time in the shower as possible and took his time getting dressed, trying to fill up the minutes until visiting hours at 9:00.

When he arrived at the hospital, Gemma greeted him in the lobby area with a hug.

“He just woke up,” she murmured happily, pulling away. “They kept him drugged yesterday so his body could work out any remnants of the pills. You didn’t miss anything.” Louis grinned widely.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go in first, Gem?” She shook her head.

“No, it’s okay. I held his hand all of yesterday. And take your time, Lou.” He smiled gratefully and pulled her into a quick hug before she led him to Harry’s hospital room.

Louis opened the door. The room was set up so that a miniature hallway led from the door to the actual room, with a door to the bathroom perpendicular to it. He shut the door quietly and stepped into the room.

The large window sat on the wall across from where Louis stood with the curtains drawn. It offered just the right amount of light for the room. The hospital bed was placed nearest to the wall opposite from the window, with chairs possessing the same pattern as the window curtains next to it. A television was mounted in a corner near the window, and the curly-haired boy on the bed had his head turned towards it. Louis stood at the entrance of the room for a moment, watching the movement of Harry’s chest. Each sweet breath caused his torso to move up slightly, then down again. The older boy had no idea he could ever be so happy to see such a small movement caused by such a vital action.

He slowly took a few steps farther into the room, but Harry still didn’t notice him. He took a deep breath.

“Harry?”

The head of curls shifted to look at him. A pair of bright green eyes met Louis's blue ones and his heart immediately swelled in joy. The younger boy tried to sit up, but failed and plopped back down on the pillow. Louis hurried over to his bedside.

“Don’t strain yourself, love,” he whispered, placing his hand on top of Harry’s. He felt an intense assault of butterflies in his stomach as their skin touched. The longing and fear of the previous day seemed to concentrate Louis's romantic feelings towards the younger boy.

Harry looked up at him as he tangled their fingers together. Louis’s breath hitched. Harry was here. He was here and alive and his bright green eyes were filled with their familiar light and his cheeks were colored with the creamy peach color of life.

“Louis.” His voice was hoarse. Louis pulled a chair up by the bed and sat down in it, moving his other hand up so that both of his hands covered one of Harry’s.

“Yes, love?” Oh, he was here, his lips moved, his eyes blinked, his heart was beating. Louis felt the overwhelming urge to press a kiss to those perfect pink lips, simply because he had thought he would never be able to do so again.

“Louis, I . . . I don’t know what to say.” The older boy bit the inside of his lip, deliberating for a moment, then lifted out of his seat slightly and pressed their lips together in a short, soft kiss. He pulled away, but kept their faces close together as he brought a hand up to weave into the boy’s curls.

“I was so worried about you,” Louis whispered, tears stinging lightly at his eyes. “I . . . I – I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, all I could do what think about you.” His voice grew weaker as the tears threatened to spill over. “Please . . . please don’t take yourself away from me, Harry.” His voice cracked and the tears spilled over, and he buried his face into the pillow space right beside Harry’s neck.

The younger boy pulled their connected hands apart to tug slightly at Louis’s waist, directing him onto the bed. Louis lay down next to Harry, burying his face in the boy’s neck and hating himself for not being strong enough to not fall apart at a time like this. He was supposed to be comforting Harry, not the other way around. He was supposed to be holding the younger boy’s hand and telling him everything was going to be okay. Harry wasn’t supposed to be the one rubbing his back, kissing his hair, and letting him let out all the emotion of the past day.

Louis’s tears finally subsided to sniffles and the two sat in silence. Harry took a shaky breath and the older boy looked up to see the dried tear streaks on his face.

“Oh, Haz,” he mumbled, scurrying up on the bed and propping himself up on one elbow. “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be acting like this right now. Babe, I’m so glad you’re here.” He pressed a kiss to the younger boy’s forehead. “I love you, Harry.” Their fingers tangled together and Louis kissed to the boy’s knuckles.

“I love you too, Louis,” Harry mumbled. There was a brief pause before he spoke again. “Louis?”

“Yes?” The older boy brought his hand up to brush Harry’s cheek.

“The – the note. Did you get it?” Confused for a moment, Louis’s brow furrowed. Suddenly, he remembered the note that he’d grabbed on the way out of the dorm. He’d forgotten completely about it – it was still in the pocket of his jacket from that day.

“Yes, love,” he whispered.

“Did you read it?”

“No.”

“I want you to read it tonight.”

“Babe, I don’t have it with –“

“Lou, go home tonight. I don’t want you to sleep here.” His fingers came up and barely brushed the dark circles underneath the older boy’s eyes. “You need your sleep.”

“But –“

“Louis, please?” And how could Louis say no to those bright green eyes pulling a puppy dog look? He sighed.

“Fine, but . . . I’m not leaving until tonight.” Harry pressed his face into the older boy’s neck.

“That’s fine with me.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After about half an hour, Louis reluctantly decided to let Gemma see her brother. The two alternated on and off seeing him throughout the whole day. When Louis was with Harry, they didn’t do much. The younger boy was still sleepy from the medication and was drifting in and out of consciousness all day. When he was awake, they mostly cuddled, and when he was alseep, Louis read or just watched him sleep. His unconsciousness was so peaceful in contrast to the way he'd been on the floor of his dorm. His pink lips parted slightly, allowing air to slip in and out, and his eyelashes fanned out as they brushed the bottom of his eye socket.

Harry requested that his mother and Robin not know about the entire hospitalization. The doctors discouraged it but said that it was allowed because he was a legal adult. Gemma offered no input and Louis felt it wasn’t his place to say. He reluctantly pressed a kiss to a sleeping Harry’s forehead as a goodbye at 10:00. Gemma left at the same time to the nearest hotel, and Louis was absolutely exhausted on his drive home.

He trudged up the stairs to his flat and opened the door as quietly as possible. He slipped into the den area, where a quiet Niall greeted him with a bear hug. Grateful for the affection, Louis hugged back tightly. The blonde boy asked Louis if he needed anything, and the older boy declined, so with not much else to do, Niall slipped off to his bedroom.

He wasn’t sure why he’d stayed up. He knew there wasn’t really anything Louis would have wanted him to do. He’d had a fairly big day. He and Zayn had made a big decision.

They’d decided to come out of the closet. There wasn’t going to be a big public announcement or anything. It was a Saturday night of Spring Break, and everyone was going to be out late, partying hard. Zayn was known to make appearances at those types of parties, but never to stay at them for very long. Niall wasn’t much into the whole idea, if he was going to go out and party, he’d rather do it with a close group of friends. Zayn came up with the idea of dropping by one of the parties, letting his secret out to one of the biggest gossips in school, Marina Latern, and bailing. Niall shrugged at the idea, indifferent to the whole thing, really. Everyone he cared about already knew. Zayn had left about an hour ago, kissing Niall on the cheek in goodbye. Niall had received a text roughly fifteen minutes ago from Zayn telling him that it took some convincing to get Marina to believe it, but the word was out.

Niall grinned to himself at the thought of being out. Of being able to talk to Zayn in public. Of being able to hold his hand on campus.

He couldn't wait.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis collapsed on his bed, his brain aching. He had a massive headache, but had one thing to do before bed. He located the jacket from Thursday slung over a chair and fished the small enveloped out of the pocket.

His name was written in Harry’s messy scrawl on one side. He flipped it over and tore the edge. His heart began to beat a little faster and his hands trembled as he pulled out the folded piece of paper. The sheet was thicker than plain paper; it seemed more expensive, somehow. He could see the faint outlines of where the pen had pressed into the paper and his head spun. He dropped the paper on his bed and sat down on the floor, placing his head between his knees.

He was about to read Harry’s _suicide note_. What he read in it had the potential to change his life. It would probably make him burst into tears. He could only imagine the kind of confessions the words would reveal. The realization really hit him then: his and Harry’s relationship was about to be altered by this little piece of paper.

Louis took a few deep, calming breaths. It needed to be done. He stood slowly, grabbed the envelope, and unfolded the paper. He started to read.

_Dear Louis,_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zayn wormed his way through the mass of warm, sweaty bodies. The wine cooler in his hand pressed cold against a girl’s bare back and she yelped. He shrugged an apology and continued to work his way through the crowd.

This party was _huge_. He’d known it would be, of course. It was the last Saturday night of Spring Break before school started up again was notorious for being the night Violet Choudrey threw the wildest party of the year. Violet Choudrey was filthy rich and unhealthily popular. Her parents had purchased her a penthouse flat in the city, and this party was her first opportunity to show it off. Zayn wondered why on Earth she’d wanted to do that. The place was going to be wrecked after this crazy mess. Plastic red cups already littered the tables and countertops, the distinct smell of weed wafted from every corner, and Zayn would bet a million pounds that someone was going to throw up on one of those pretty Persian rugs by the end of the night.

He shook his head. That wasn’t his concern. He’d done what he’d come for. He’d left Marina slack jawed by a counter in the kitchen with his announcement, but her mouth had quickly begun moving once she’d recovered from shock. Zayn had heard her squeal one of her gossipy friend’s names just before he’d launched himself into the mass of people. A satisfied grin was on his face as he wormed out of the crowd and entered a small hallway. It was dimly lit and a few abstract paintings hung on the walls. He leaned against the wall, sipping his wine cooler and letting the buzz fall over him. The pounding music and chatter of people came to him muffled through the wall. He leaned his head back against the textured expanse and closed his eyes, feeling almost like the whole house was swaying.

A familiar, feminine voice interrupted his serenity.

“Zayn!” The boy looked over lazily to see a blonde girl in a tiny, tight black dress and black pumps stumbling towards him. A mostly empty red cup was in her hand and her eyes were furious but sleepy at the same time. Zayn turned slightly as she got closer to him.

“Perrie – what the hell?” She fisted the material of his shirt and shoved his shoulder hard against the wall. He glared at her. “You shouldn’t drink so much if you can’t handle it,” he spat out. She glowered at him.

“I can handle it,” she snarled.

“What the hell do you want?”

“Do you know what I just heard from Dani fucking Devito?”

“No, but please tell me. I care.” Zayn usually tried to be nice to Perrie if he interacted with her, but that was a little hard to do when she was drunk out of her mind and pinning him against a wall. He really hadn’t expected her to be here. Her parents usually took her somewhere exotic for Spring Break. Her presence at this party could be less than beneficial.

Perrie was what you could call an angry drunk. It took quite a bit of alcohol to get her drunk, but once she was gone, it was impossible to get her back. Just a funny look in her direction could cause a full-on fight. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she didn’t get intoxicated at every party she went to.

“She told me that you were _gay_ , and going out with _Niall Horan_.” Zayn tensed slightly.

“What of it?” Her mouth turned up into what could only be descried as a snarl.

“Do you know how embarrassing it is to hear bullshit like that from _Dani Devito_?” Zayn’s brows knitted together.

“It’s not bullshit, Perrie,” he said coldly. “And frankly, I don’t care how embarrassing it is, because you’re just an insensitive bitch.” Her eyes widened slightly and her words became more slurred.

“I knew you’d probably have to come up with a lie for why you hadn’t gotten another girlfriend, but I didn’t think you’d come up with something that far-fetched.” The corners of her mouth turned up into a disgusting grin. “I know you aren’t over me yet.”

Zayn’s mouth opened to protest, but before he got a chance, Perrie’s lips were on his and she was shoving his body into the wall with her own. In his slightly intoxicated state, it took a good amount of concentration to coordinate his arms to grasp her shoulders. A squeal came from the end of the hallway just as Zayn managed to pry her off of himself.

“Oh, my god! You guys are back together? That’s great!”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE DON'T HATE ME I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED  
> I LOVE YOU  
> ALL OF YOU

_Dear Louis,_

_I just want to start by saying that this is in no way your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. You’ve never done anything but help me. I’m to blame. For everything._

_I guess I used to think that I could change. That if I punished myself enough, I would learn to like girls. That’s why I cut, really. But it never worked. And then I met you, and that night that you found me made me think for the first time that it might really be okay to like boys. Then you were just so nice to me and I didn’t know why because I’d been so horrible and I felt so bad but it just made me fall for you even more quickly. When we kissed at the Bean Counter and I realized you felt the same it made me so, so happy. I didn’t know that another person could make me feel that happy. Louis, you really do make me happy. When you told me that you loved me I felt like I could do anything I wanted, be anyone I wanted. When I was around you it made me feel like there was nothing wrong in the world, like there were no problems._

_And then Robin._

_Lou, when he hit you, I just . . . It destroyed everything. That feeling that we had no problems when we were together vanished and suddenly everything felt wrong. This entire week I’ve been thinking about how it’s all my fault. If I could just like girls then none of this would have happened. Robin would be happy with me and I wouldn’t have caused you all this trouble. But I can’t change, even if I try. I’ve tried and tried and tried but nothing works._

_I’m so sorry, Louis. I’m sorry that you ever got involved with me and had to deal with everything. With me. And I’m sorry that now you have to deal with this. I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling that you would be better off without me._

_I love you, Louis Tomlinson._

-          _Harry_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 Niall felt a hand grab his own and spun around, his stomach dropping when his eyes met the pleading brown ones of Zayn. He yanked his hand away.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Zayn.”

“Niall, please, I promise it’s not true. Just let me explain – “

“Explain _what_? That Lily Morris found you kissing Perrie at that party on Saturday? That you didn’t so much as text me for all of yesterday or Sunday? That Louis had to come home yesterday and tell me that he’d overheard Danielle and Eleanor talking about how you two are back together? Because if any of that is what you’re going to explain, then you might as well save your breath. It’s already pretty clear.” He turned without allowing Zayn to respond and began to walk towards the campus. Zayn let out a frustrated sigh and ran to catch up with him. This time, he grabbed Niall’s hand with more determination and pulled him to the back of the nearest dorm building. He pushed the blonde boy surprisingly gently against the wall. Zayn stepped so close that the fabric of their shirts touched, but their bodies didn’t press together. He brought their faces less than a couple inches apart and allowed their noses to brush, his eyes squeezed shut. He let out a shaky breath.

“Niall, I promise . . . I swear that I tried to out us. That’s all I wanted to do at that party. And I was so happy because I thought it was finally going to happen, and I had done it, but then Perrie was there and she was drunk and she started saying all of this stuff that was so, so wrong and then she pushed me against a wall and she kissed me. And I couldn’t think of anything but you and I tried to push her off because it was horrible and wrong because it wasn’t you that was kissing me and then Lily saw us before I could push her off and she wouldn’t let me explain and Perrie wouldn’t deny it and now no one knows where she is and they haven’t bothered to ask me if it’s true. And Niall I just wanted to get out of there and I felt so bad for all of Sunday and yesterday, like I didn’t deserve to talk to you. But – but I missed you. It hurt not talking to you . . . not being with you.” Zayn stopped speaking then, his breaths coming as small pants. His eyes remained closed as he waited for Niall to respond.

The blonde boy’s eyes had softened quite a bit, although Zayn hadn’t seen. His hands shook a little and he brought his fingertips up to brush ever so softly across the darker boy’s cheek. Zayn’s face relaxed in the slightest bit and he hesitantly nudged into Niall’s hand. The blonde boy cupped his cheek.

“Is that true?” he whispered. Zayn nodded, his eyelids fluttering open, revealing pleading brown eyes glimmering with tears. Niall watched him carefully for a moment before gently pushing forward and connecting their lips. Zayn kissed him back gratefully, relief flooding his body.

When they pulled away, he had a mischievous look in his dark brown eyes.

“There’s something I want to do,” he murmured. Niall grinned hesitantly.

“What?” In response, Zayn simply took Niall’s hand and locked their fingers together. He tugged the boy out from behind the dorm and began to lead him to campus. He followed silently, his stomach tightening a little as they neared the building. When they reached the set of steps that sat in front of the main entrance, Niall loosened his fingers, but Zayn only tightened his grip on the boy’s hand.

“Zayn,” Niall began. “People will . . . are you . . .?” The dark-haired boy stopped and turned towards him slightly.

“Is this okay?” he asked softly, absentmindedly rubbing the other boy’s hand with his thumb. Niall bit his lip, hesitated, but eventually nodded. Zayn grinned and turned around again, continuing to pull his boyfriend into the building.

The hallway they entered was mostly empty. It wasn’t used very much, but it intersected with three other halls at a center that the students called Uni Square, or just the Square. Niall had never really understood that; the area was a round shape.

Zayn led him down the hallway towards the Square. Niall could see the crowd of people moving ahead of them, growing closer and closer. A couple people paused and gave them an odd glance, but most paid them no mind.

Zayn nudged his way through a small crowd of people as he led Niall straight to the center of the Square. There, he stopped and turned so that he was facing the other boy. He took a deep breath and kept his eyes locked on Niall. He brought his hands up to the blonde boy’s shoulders. A few people were giving them some odd glances. Zayn licked his lips and, in what felt like slow motion, leaned forward and pressed their mouths together.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis drummed his fingers anxiously on the kitchen counter. Harry was getting out of the hospital today. His last class had ended about an hour ago and he’d spent the time pacing around his flat, waiting for Gemma to arrive with Harry.

Louis had been unable to see Harry since he’d read his suicide note. Sunday the hospital had scheduled an appointment with a therapist and a few tests to make sure Harry was ready to be released, and Monday he’d had too much to do after his classes to drive the forty-five minute drive to the hospital. Despite how tired he’d been that night, after reading the note, Louis had tossed and turned in his bed for two hours. He hadn’t cried; a strong emotion clenched on his tummy but no tears came forth.

Louis knew he’d been withdrawn. He felt bad; what with all of the drama happening between Niall and Zayn, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about anything. The only thing on his mind was Harry, and he could hardly figure out his emotions for himself, much less share them with other people. Niall hadn’t seemed to mind, he just kept to himself and minded his own business, but Louis still felt the pressure of guilt when his best mate walked silently through the flat, avoiding conversation.

He sat down on the couch, his feet tapping incessantly. His head tilted back and he stared up at the ceiling, wishing for the seconds to tick by faster.

Finally, a knock sounded on the door to his flat. Louis’s mind launched into a blur as he shot up and raced towards the door. Random excerpts from Harry’s suicide note flashed through his head as his hand touched the lock.

_I guess I used to think that I could change._

_That’s why I cut, really. But it never worked._

_And then I met you._

_You’ve never done anything but help me._

Louis opened the door, the motion executed at a normal pace, but to him it felt as if everything was underwater. Every detail was crystal clear but blurred at the same time as he blinked and took in the sight of Harry: those brown boots he wore _all the time_ , the familiar, tight black jeans, the damn Ramones shirt, his pale hands limp at his sides, a white hospital bracelet on one wrist.

_Louis, I’m so sorry._

The chocolate curls sat unruly on top of his head, his bottom lip tucked into his mouth, trapped between straight white teeth.

_I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling that you would be better off without me._

When Louis’s eyes met the cautious green ones, something broke loose inside him and he was pushing forward; somewhere along the way, his eyes shut. Sight was gone and his other senses took over, the sweet silence filling his ears, Harry’s familiar scent invading his nose, the warm, solid, _alive_ feeling of the boy’s body against his own as Louis’s arms tightened around his waist.

_I love you, Louis Tomlinson._


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the updates are coming so slow guys, lot of end of school work. Thanks tons for reading.xx

The two stood in the doorway in each other’s arms for what could have been an eternity. All Louis could concentrate on was the fact that Harry was here, tangible and breathing and alive and not in a hospital bed. A few tears may have rolled down his cheeks, but he wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter.

When they finally pulled away, Louis brought his hands up to rest on either side of the other boy’s jaw. He moved his thumbs back and forth, relishing the feeling of the warm skin beneath his touch. Harry placed his hands on Louis’s forearms and his eyes fluttered shut. Louis pulled the boy’s face down just the slightest bit so that their foreheads touched.

“Lou,” Harry whispered, his voice hoarse. Louis’s brow furrowed the slightest bit.

“Shh,” he hushed the boy, and brought their lips together. The kiss was soft, sweet, and despite everything, familiar. It brought a wave of calmness over Louis that at least this one thing was unchanged. They pulled away and Louis brought his mouth to Harry’s jaw, neck, cheek, everywhere he could reach.

“I love you,” he murmured into Harry’s collar bone. The taller boy smiled and nuzzled the top of Louis’s head.

“I love you too.” The older boy stepped back slightly.

“Do you . . . um . . . I mean . . . Do you want to . . .?” he tripped over his words, not sure how to phrase his question, but Harry understood. He smiled sheepishly.

“Could we just . . . go, like, cuddle? Like . . . in your bed? I missed that in the hospital.” Louis blinked, silent, then nodded quickly.

“Yeah. Yeah. Sure.” He took Harry’s hand and pulled him towards his bedroom.

They lay together on the bed, curling into a cuddle like fitting puzzle pieces. Harry tucked his head into Louis’s neck, and not one inch of space wormed between their bodies. Louis found himself tracing random patterns onto the younger boy’s arm, and soon their hands were intertwined in a comforting familiarity. Their legs tangled together and Louis absentmindedly began rubbing Harry’s back with his free hand.

Even with the warm body of the boy he loved curled around him, Louis couldn’t escape the impending conversation about Harry’s suicide attempt. It’s not that he didn’t want to talk about it, it was that he didn’t know how to. Their bodies communicated so much easier, slipping back into comforting, loving patterns even after the event. His sentences required more attention, carefully choosing and placing his words to accurately convey what he meant. Louis cleared his throat quietly.

“Harry . . .” he began. The other boy hummed in response. “We should, um . . . talk,” Louis hedged. Harry’s lips brushed against the skin of his neck as he responded.

“Okay,” he said. “So talk.” Louis tried to ignore the tingles the boy’s hot breath caused across his skin.

“I, um. I’m not quite sure how to phrase it . . . like . . . Do you feel any, um, differently now than you did . . . before?” Harry pursed his lips.

“Um, kind of. I mean . . . it’s much better, much easier to ignore things here, with you, around you. But I’m not sure how it will be . . . otherwise.” Louis’s stomach clenched.

“So how can I be sure that it won’t happen again?” Harry tugged his hand from Louis’s and brought it up to meet his other against the older boy’s chest, burrowing into him like a very large child. His voice came out as a whisper into Louis’s skin.

“I don’t know.” Louis wrapped his arms tightly around Harry, rubbing his back and pressing a kiss to his curly locks.

“Harry, I can’t lose you.” The words slid out of his mouth before he could even consider saying them. The truth of what he’d just said washed over him like a wave and his jaw clenched. Harry was silent, his breath the only movement between the both of them. Louis waited, almost scared in a way, anticipating the reaction.

After what felt like an eternity, Harry’s parted lips pressed against Louis’s collarbone. His hot breath collided directly with the warm skin as he slowly moved his mouth up. They weren’t kisses, not really; they were more of a simple, direct contact of Harry’s mouth to Louis’s flesh, a blatant connection of lips and skin and breath.

Harry found his way up to Louis’s lips and their mouths met, raw emotion evident in the kiss. The intimacy in the way their lips moved together was a rare, special occurrence. It was the kind of kissing that hid promised forevers, the kind that can fill you with a love so intense it pushes any traces of other emotions out of your body, if only for a brief period of time.

When their mouths parted, Louis hesitated before opening his eyes, knowing the crudeness of sight would wipe away all of the things that he could _s_ _ee_ now, with his eyes closed. The things that you could only really see with the absence of sight. The things you feel.

Louis finally opened his eyes and tilted his head up to press a gentle kiss to Harry’s forehead. Harry looked up at him with half-lidded eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Louis,” he whispered, almost inaudible. Louis shook his head slightly, gently rubbing the younger boy’s back in small circles.

“Just . . . please, Harry, please don’t take yourself away from me.” Harry bit his lip and ducked down to press his face into Louis’s neck again.

“I’ll try,” he mumbled after a bit of silence. Louis pursed his lips and tightened the grip of his arms, but decided not to pursue the subject any more.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis awoke to Harry’s gravelly morning voice. He rubbed his eyes and turned over to see a groggy Harry talking into his phone with his eyes shut and his brow furrowed.

“Gem, it’s early,” he grumbled. “Yeah. No, I spent the night at Louis’s.” A brief pause passed and Louis could hear the unintelligible sound of Gemma talking. “Did you get a flight home? What time is it there?” Another pause. “Go to sleep, Gem . . . Okay, what?” He listened for a moment, then his eyes opened. “What are you saying?” Suddenly, Harry sat up.

“You _told_ them?” His voice was sharper now. “Gem,” he whined. There was a longer pause this time. “I know, but . . . I don’t know. I was going to figure it out . . . Fine.” Louis rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Okay, Gem.” Harry’s voice was slightly hostile, but turned to lethargic as he said farewell to his sister. “Go to sleep, Gem. I’ll talk to you later.” He pressed the end button on his phone and collapsed back onto the pillow. Louis looked over at him expectantly. He sighed.

“Gemma told my parents about me trying to commit suicide.”

“What? Why?”

“She said she would try to help me pay the hospital bill before she left. So I gave them her billing address and told her to call when she got it, but she said it was too much for even the both of us to pay, so she called my parents.” Harry rubbed his eyes. “They’ve already paid it. Gem said Mum will be calling soon.” Louis sighed quietly and brought his hand up to toy with Harry’s curls. The younger boy’s brows knitted together and he squirmed slightly.

“Mmph,” he grumbled into the pillow. “Don’t do that.” Louis smiled and softly tugged a curl.

“And why not?”

“Because . . . Lou,” he whined, “you know why.” Louis chuckled and softly nudged the boy towards him, pulling him into a cuddle. Harry sighed and the older boy waited for a moment before tugging on one of the locks again. He smirked when Harry hummed another disapproval.

“You like it,” Louis said cockily. Harry huffed a small laugh.

“Exactly,” he mumbled. Louis threaded his fingers into the boy’s locks, massaging gently. He did that for a minute before latching on suddenly and pulling Harry’s head so that their eyes met. The younger boy gasped but the sound was cut off by the connection of their lips. Louis expertly worked Harry’s mouth open with his own and Harry sighed into the kiss. He pressed his body into the older boy’s as their tongues met.

Louis broke the kiss and smirked down at Harry, who scowled.

“That’s not fair,” he complained.

“What’s not fair?” Louis asked teasingly.

“Doing that and then . . . not . . . doing anything else.” Louis’s fingers danced along the warm skin of Harry’s hip.

“Want me to do it again?” he whispered, and was answered with an eager nod. He took a small breath and locked his fingers onto the brown curls and tugged roughly. Harry let out a soft moan and pressed his hips onto Louis’s body. The older boy felt a quickly hardening pressure on his thigh as Harry buried his face in his neck, lips pushing hot against the skin. Louis felt the younger boy’s teeth sink into his neck and subconsciously tightened his grip on the curls. He pushed Harry’s body slightly with his own and rolled on top of him. His fingers still buried in his curly hair, Louis brought their mouths together and ground his hips down. The bulges in their boxers met and they both let out soft moans. Harry roughly grabbed the older boy’s hips and dug his fingers in slightly.

The tinkling ringtone of Harry’s phone interrupted them and Louis groaned.

“Fuck,” he complained, and Harry snorted a laugh. Louis brought his hands up to lay on top of Harry’s chest and rested his chin on top of them as the younger boy reached for his phone.

“H’lo?” Louis heard jumbled murmurs come in response from the speaker near Harry’s ear. “Hi, Mum. I’m fine. No, I’m at Louis’s. Mum, calm down. I’m _fine_.” His fingers traced invisible patterns onto the hot skin of Louis’s hip. “I didn’t want you to freak out.” There was a long pause. “I don’t care what Robin thinks, I –“ His brow furrowed. “He’d what? But – but he can’t, Mum, can’t you stop him? Louis had nothing to do with it!” Louis raised his eyebrows at his name but Harry wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“So? You work, it’s your money too. And I didn’t even ask for . . . But, Mum . . .” His voice turned icy and hostile. “Fine. You’re sorry. I get it. Bye.” He tapped the end button on his phone and set it on the bedside table, still refusing to meet Louis’s worried gaze.

“Harry?” Louis whispered, brushing his fingertips across the boy’s cheek. Harry closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face.

“Lou, I . . . I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’m sure whatever it is isn’t your fault. We’ll get through it, Haz, just tell me . . .” Harry took a small, shaky breath.

“Robin, he – he’s pissed, really pissed that he had to pay. Even though I didn’t ask him to pay . . . He’s really mad and he’s going to tell the university about – about us.”

“The university, like, the dean and stuff? What’s so bad about that? I mean, more people will know but it’s not like they’ll out you to the whole school.” Harry shook his head.

“No, Louis, he’s going to identify you. It’s illegal for a professor to be in a relationship with a student, regardless of age. You’re going to lose your job.”


	20. Chapter 20

Louis froze, his gaze locked on Harry’s face. The younger boy’s jaw was clenched and his arm lay across his forehead, hand tightened in a fist. Neither spoke or even moved for a moment before Louis raised his hand up to massage Harry’s fist into a relaxed position.

“Hey,” he whispered. “It’s okay.” Harry’s hand opened and their fingers just barely interlocked, but his eyes remained closed.

“Lou, I . . .” His jaw clenched again, and Louis rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb soothingly.

“It’s going to be fine,” Louis murmured, not sure if he believed it himself, but wanting to do nothing but comfort Harry.

The younger boy’s eyes opened, but his gaze remained locked on the ceiling. He sighed and tore their fingers apart. Louis, slightly hurt, hesitantly drew his hand back from Harry’s face.

“It’s always me,” Harry said, his voice sounding tight and restricted. “It doesn’t matter if it’s actually something I do or not, whenever you’re involved with me something bad happens.”

“Harry, that’s not –“

“No, it is. At the beginning of the year, when I said all of those things, that was actually me. But then after that, just being around me has hurt you. Robin hitting you, and me trying to commit suicide, and – and now this . . . it’s always me, Louis. If you weren’t with me, this wouldn’t have happened.” His voice broke and his eyes shut.

“You really would be better off without me,” he choked out. Louis’s stomach dropped and he didn’t even think about what he was doing – he was just suddenly scooting closer to Harry and pulling him into his arms. The younger boy folded into him easily, his face pressing into Louis’s neck.

“Don’t say things like that,” Louis murmured, gently stroking the brown curls.

“But it’s true,” Harry mumbled. Louis pulled him as close as possible, tightening his grip like he would never let go.

“I don’t care,” he whispered, a fierce edge barely evident in his voice. “I’ve told you before, Harry, I want you. I want _every part_ of you. I don’t want just the pretty parts, just the easy going, carefree Harry Styles that everyone sees. I want the part of you that cooks and that would give your life or the people you love. I want your gravelly morning voice and your tangled, uncombed curls and that stupid half-lidded way you look at me right before you get out of bed. I want you. All of you.” He pressed a long kiss to the boy’s forehead and rubbed his back as he waited for a response.

Finally, a soft, timid voice spoke.

“Louis, I just . . . I just wish we didn’t have any problems.” Louis pulled back slightly and tilted Harry’s chin up so that their eyes met.

“Me, too, Haz, but it’s okay because we’re going to get through this together.” His blue eyes searched the green ones for a moment before he spoke again, his voice a whisper.

“Okay?” Harry took a small, cleansing breath.

“Okay.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A small knock came on the door to Louis’s office.

“Come in,” he called, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. Liam entered, a small not-so-smiley smile on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Liam took a seat in the cushioned chair near Louis’s desk.

“Did the dean talk to you yet?” Louis groaned in response and Liam chuckled, waiting for more elaboration.

“No,” Louis grumbled. “Not like I don’t know exactly what he’s going to say.” Liam nodded.

“So . . . what are you going to do about it?” Louis shook his head.

“I don’t know, Li, I just – the thing I’m worried about right now is whether or not I’ll have an option. Like, the dean could just call me in and be like, ‘Hey, pack your bags and get out,’ or he could give me a choice, and I honestly don’t know which is worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if I leave, that’s pretty obvious. Like, I don’t have a job, right, and there aren’t a lot of universities looking right now. But . . . if I have to make a choice . . . it will be between breaking up with Harry and leaving. So no matter how it goes down I’m either going to be breaking up with Harry or losing my job.” Liam nodded.

“But . . . like . . . isn’t there any way you could just like . . . keep it secret?” Louis shook his head.

“No. It just wouldn’t work, Li. It’s too much pressure on Harry, I couldn’t do that to him. He’d have to keep it from his family, all of his friends. I would at least be able to tell my family, but if he did then his stepdad would find out and this would all just repeat itself.” Liam sighed.

“I wish I knew what to tell you, mate.” Louis smiled a sad smile.

“Me too.”

They sat in silence for a minute before a small tap came on the door. Louis’s stomach somersaulted and he nervously stood up.

“Come in,” he called. The door opened and the dean stepped into the room.

“Louis, can we talk?”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! Hope the length makes up for the wait :)  
> Check out my newest chaptered, Let Me Go! Please? I'm not updating until it reaches 1000 hits ;)

Louis closed the door to his flat and leaned back against it, a huge sigh leaving his chest. He closed his eyes.

“Lou?” the cautious Irish-accented voice called from the other end of the small hallway. Louis sighed and walked towards Niall. The blonde boy stood still in the frame of the hallway, watching his friend walk a zombie-like walk towards him. When Louis got to a conversation’s distance away from Niall, the two stood in silence for a minute.

The toll of the past events was evident in Louis’s entire body: his shoulders drooped, there were bags under his eyes, and his skin was unusually pale. Sympathy shot through Niall and he pulled the other boy into a hug.

“You’ll figure it out, Lou,” Niall muttered. Louis pulled back and gave him a smile that wasn’t really a smile and retreated to his room. He collapsed on his bed, face-down, and let out a loud groan into the comforter. He stayed that way for a while before rolling over and staring up at the ceiling as if it could give him a solution to his problems.

The dean had said exactly what he’d expected: end it with Harry or leave. Of course, he’d said it much more nicely than that, but it still hurt Louis.

He had no idea what he was going to do, and that was what he hated most. Louis was never unprepared; he was always responsible and had at least a faint idea of what he was going to do next. But now he had no clue how to make this decision.

His phone sounded shrilly, slicing the heavy silence and evaporating his cloudy thoughts. He picked it up and hit the ‘answer’ button.

“Hello?” Harry’s husky voice came through the speaker.

“Hey.” Louis sighed.

“Hey, Haz. What’s up?”

“Um, can we, like, talk?”

“Sure. Shoot.”

“No, like . . . in person.” Louis’s stomach clenched slightly.

“Uh . . . yeah, yeah, sure. Now?”

“Yeah, um, in front of the fountain at your flat?” Louis swallowed thickly.

“Sure, yeah.”

“I’ll see you in a few.” The line went dead before Louis could get out a response. He dropped his phone on the bed and walked numbly towards the door of the flat. Niall looked up at him as he passed through the living room.

“Lou, you okay?” Louis turned slightly towards Niall, a blank expression on his face.

“Um, yeah, just . . . going out, I’ll . . . be right back.” He turned towards the door and left the flat. His heart pounded in his chest, apprehension settling in the pit of his stomach.

When Louis reached the fountain, he sat on the edge and locked his hands together. His fingers clenched together in anticipation as he waited nervously. Harry got there not long after him and smiled a small, sad smile in greeting. Louis stood up and reminded himself that no matter what was about to happen, he and Harry were together at the moment, so he pulled the younger boy into a tight hug, and afterwards a deep kiss. Harry kissed him back softly but hesitantly and wouldn’t meet his eyes when they pulled away.

“So . . .” Louis ventured cautiously, “what’s up?” Harry ran his fingers through his curls, shaking them out afterwards.

“Um . . . I don’t really know what to say, to be honest. Louis, I – I love you. And that’s why I’m doing this.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I think that – that we should break up.” His green eyes finally flicked up to meet Louis’s blue ones as the older boy’s dreadful suspicions were confirmed.

“Harry, don’t – “ he started, but Harry shook his head.

“Louis, I have to. I’m not worth this. I’m not worth your job. I know how much you love teaching here and I’m not worth giving that up. I’ll be fine. I’ll be just fine as long as I know you’re happy.”

_You’re worth everything. I won’t be happy without you_ , Louis protested in his mind, but the words refused to form on his tongue. His mouth opened but nothing came out. He was screaming internally, ordering himself to fight this, to win Harry over, but his body betrayed him. The younger boy watched him carefully, a serene, almost peaceful expression on his face. Tears pricked in Louis’s eyes, half at what Harry was doing and half in frustration at himself for what he wasn’t doing.

After a few beats of silence, Harry stepped back slightly.

“Goodbye, Louis.”

And he was gone.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Louis would be lying if he said the next two months of school weren’t two of the worst he’d ever had. His life felt empty and pointless without Harry, and he often wondered when he’d let himself become so centered on this boy. He often couldn’t sleep at night and lay awake wondering how things might have gone differently if just one little thing had gone differently.

Also, having Harry in his class was flat out _awkward_. Their eyes met every so often and a couple of times Louis even got tongue tied, causing a few snickers from the students. Zayn was constantly at he and Niall’s flat as well, and that was almost as awkward as eye contact with Harry. Somehow, Louis managed to grin and bear it until exams were over. On the last day, he sat on the table at the front of his room, looking out at the empty seats. Funny, they were exactly the same as they were at the beginning of the year, yet they weren’t. His eyes grazed over Harry’s desk and he sighed deeply. A knock came on his door and Liam entered. Louis smiled at him.

“Hey,” he called out. Liam grinned and waved as he walked towards the front of the room.

“Hi,” he responded. “Glad it’s over?” Louis let out a small sigh.

“Glad I won’t have my ex-boyfriend in my class anymore.” Liam chuckled, but rubbed reassuring circles on Louis’s shoulder.

“Awkward, isn’t it? I’m glad I won’t have Danielle next year.” Louis’s brow furrowed.

“What?”

“Didn’t I tell you? We broke up about a week ago. That exam was the most awkward experience I’ve ever had in that classroom.” Louis stared at Liam in shock.

“No, you didn’t tell me!” he exclaimed. “How are you so nonchalant? Why did it happen?” Liam shrugged.

“She didn’t want to have to conceal a relationship anymore. I didn’t really want to either, but she’s going to a different school year after next and she said she didn’t want to wait, so . . . it just kind of ended.”

“Wow,” Louis muttered. “You two were, like, the perfect couple.” Liam chuckled.

“No, mate, I don’t think so. Honestly, that was you and Harry. Personally, I think something’s going to bring you two back together. Danielle and I were good together, but we never really had what you and Harry did.” Louis looked out at the desks, not responding to that. Liam sighed deeply and rubbed Louis’s back one final time before leaving, the door whispering across the carpet as he closed it, leaving Louis alone with his thoughts.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Summer passed quickly. Louis spent a lot of the time with his family, drowning himself in tea parties with the twins and shopping with Lottie and bike riding with Flick to keep from thinking too much about Harry, but the curly-haired boy always snuck into his mind at night. Strangely, he’d yet to shed a tear over the breakup. Sure, it pained him to think about Harry, and he’d had nights where he sat on the edge of his bed, fingers knotted in his hair in frustration, but no actual tears.

Until one night the week before school started again.

It was about 8:00 PM when Niall heard a shattering noise from the other side of the flat and sprinted to the kitchen. The sight of Louis standing in front of a shattered teacup on the counter, fists clenched on the edge of the smooth surface, greeted him.

“Lou, what happened? Are you okay? I . . .” Louis shook his head, bringing one hand up to wipe angrily at his eyes.

“No, I’m not okay. Nothing’s okay. Nothing’s been okay since he broke up with me. Niall, it’s been _months_ and it’s just now hit me; I’ve just now really realized that he’s gone and I can’t get him back.” His hand that was still in a fist loosened the tiniest bit. “I’m just empty without Harry and I can’t _do_ anything about it.” Niall slowly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Louis _._ The older boy didn’t reciprocate the embrace, but he didn’t reject it either. When Niall let go, he glanced down and Louis’s still clenched fist and gasped. Blood was dripping slowly out of his hand and onto the counter.

“Louis, your hand.” Louis seemed to snap out of something and opened his fist. He frowned down at the blood.

“I don’t know when that happened,” he murmured. A shrill ringing came from Niall back pocket and he quickly answered.

“Zayn, now’s not exactly –“

“Niall, I’ll be up in less than a minute. You and I are going out.”

“Zayn, I can’t, Louis is hurt –“

“I’m sure whatever happened, he’ll be _just_ fine.”

“But . . .”

“Come open the door.” Niall hung up and shot Louis an apologetic glance.

“Zayn’s here, I’ll be right back.” He rushed to the door and opened it. Shock crossed his face at the sight that greeted him and Zayn simply grinned and pulled him out the door and away to his car.

Louis heard the door shut and footsteps walking slowly in his direction. He turned to grab a towel from a drawer and wrapped his hand in it.

“That was fast, what did he –“ Louis stopped midsentence when he turned around and was greeted by the tall, lanky, curly-haired boy he’s just been crying over. “Harry, I . . . what are you doing . . .?” Harry frowned down at the towel around Louis’s hand.

“What happened?” He seemed to take notice of the shards of cup on the counter. “Are you okay, Louis? What happened in here?” Louis absentmindedly pulled the towel off of his hand.

“Oh, nothing, I just dropped – oh, shit.” The blood was flowing much more freely now and dripped onto the floor. He pressed the towel against his palm and Harry rushed forward, trapping Louis’s injured hand in both of his. He gingerly took away the towel, dabbing at the blood to better inspect the damage.

“Wait,” he said, and walked back into the flat. Louis took a deep breath and leaned back against the counter opposite of the shattered teacup. Harry returned quickly with the same first aid supplies Louis had used that night so long ago.

“Lucky you don’t need to go to the hospital,” Harry murmured as he quickly bandaged Louis up. The older boy remained silent until Harry was done and released his hand.

“Harry, what are you doing here?” he asked quietly. A dimpled smile sent a sharp pain through his chest.

“Can we talk in the living room?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zayn and Niall sat together in the Bean Counter. Zayn grinned at the blonde boy as he toyed with his fingers.

“Ni, I need to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Well, I know it’s kind of sudden, but we’ve been together for a while now and I was just wondering what you would think of us living together?” Niall’s eyes widened slightly.

“ _What_?”

“Us. Living together. If it’s no just say so.” Niall blinked and shook his head.

“Um, no that’s not – um. I would love to, actually, but . . . I don’t want to kick Louis out.” Zayn grinned and leaned forward slightly.

“I don’t think that will be a problem.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So . . . go ahead. Talk,” Louis said uncertainly. The wide grin on Harry’ face was making him both nervous and cautiously optimistic.

“Okay. So, you know Camters, right? The university.” Louis nodded.

“Of course. They’re really close to here, aren’t they?” Harry nodded.

“So, there was this program I was a part of before university. Basically it was for teenagers who had interest in possibly becoming a writer. The deal was that in school you had to be part of this sort of club thing, go to meetings and such, and make certain grades, and a few other things. And then you have to attend two years of regular university and take certain classes and make certain grades. And then after your second year there are these courses at Camters that you take in the summer, and if you do well in the summer course you get a full scholarship. So I took the course this summer and . . . I got accepted. I’m going to Camters this upcoming year.”

Louis’s breath hitched.

“So that means . . .” Harry nodded eagerly.

“But wait, that’s not it. I also came here to ask you something.” He hesitantly grabbed Louis’s hand. “I’ve gotten a flat not too far from here. I got a job at a newspaper in a town nearby. I’m not writing anything yet but the pay is still decent, and I’m paying all of my bills on the salary. Gem helped me out a bit at the beginning when the pay wasn’t quite as good as it is now but I’m well on my way to paying her back. So . . . I was wondering if you would want to . . . move in with me. It’s right in between Camters and here, it would be about a ten minute drive for each of us. And it’s in a really nice neighborhood and it’s relatively new, too, and I think you’d really love living there and –“ Louis grinned and silenced Harry with a long, soft kiss: the first in months, but it was like they’d never stopped.

“I’d love to.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story time!  
> Okay, this is going to be kind of depressing, but the idea for this fic came to me in school in my sixth period class. My teacher was stereotypical gay guy, pretty feminine, high pitched voice, blah blah blah, and I had a ton of popular pricks in my class, yknow the kind. The ones that are all "cool" and "swag" and all that shit. And they did the same thing that Harry did in the very beginning, making not so obvious and obvious remarks at his sexuality and it just pissed me off to no end, and for some reason it sparked the idea for this. (Disclaimer: there was no teacher/student relationship)  
> Follow me at prostitutelou.tumblr.com and check out my new fic, Let Me Go  
> I like circular endings way too much bye

Louis watched from his lazy position on the bed as Harry walked over towards him and knelt down to the mattress. There was no bedframe or mattress box, simply the mattress and the floor, and Louis loved it. It was so simple, so easy, so _Harry_. The entire bedroom was basically empty, except for the bare necessities. They could have afforded to furnish it further, but neither of them really felt the need. It was enough. Louis smiled languidly up at Harry and reached his hand out to brush their fingers together. The younger boy grinned back at him and leaned down to press their lips together softly, then curled up next to Louis on the bed.

“Uni starts soon,” Harry stated. Louis brought his hand up to tangle his fingers into the brown curls.

“Yeah. Are you excited?”

“Very. Camters is where _I_ want to go. I didn’t really have a say in my school choice until now.” Louis could just hear the smile in his voice. Harry looked up at him. “Are you excited?” The older boy thought for a second.

“Yes,” he said finally. “I do love teaching. The school probably doesn’t make much of a difference.” Harry nodded and scooted even closer to Louis. The two lay in comfortable silence for a while before Harry spoke again.

“Lou?”

“Mmm?”

“Will you do something with me tomorrow?”

“What?”

“You’ll see. It won’t take long. Please?” Louis, too tired to investigate and already on the brink of sleep, hummed his affirmative response and nuzzled closer to Harry before falling into a deep sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Louuu,” Harry hummed into the older boy’s neck the next morning. Louis groaned.

“What? It’s early.”

“It’s not early, it’s 10:00 AM. You’ve gotten well over eight hours of sleep. C’mon, let’s go,” Harry urged, his voice edging towards being endearingly whiny. Louis “mph’d” his response into his pillow but rolled off the bed and got dressed. They went down to his car and Harry held his hand out for the keys.

“Who says you get to drive?” Louis asked, half joking, half sassy from being kept from sleeping in.

“Who says you know where we’re going?” Harry retorted, grinning when Louis sighed and handed over the keys.

They’d been driving for a while when Louis finally woke up enough to ask where they were going.

“A place.” Louis snorted.

“Really, Harold.” Harry scowled at the use of ‘Harold’ and the older boy smirked.

“You’ll see when we get there.”

There wasn’t much more of a drive, thankfully for Louis; he hated sitting in a car for too long. They pulled up in a parking lot right in front of a small hill. Harry grabbed a small drawstring bag from underneath his thigh and opened his door. Louis eyed the bag, wondering how he’d missed that, but decided to ignore it and got out of the car. They walked up the tiny hill together and Louis noticed a sign with big red letters reading ‘Caution’ on it.

“Harry . . .” he started carefully.

“Mhm?”

“Are we allowed to be here?”

“Mhm.”

“Is it safe?”

“Mhm.”

“Are you going to brutally murder me and toss my butchered body into a bottomless pit in a burlap sack?”

“Mhm.” Louis glanced over and saw the small smirk on Harry’s face. He snorted a quiet laugh and continued walking over the hill. Soon, their destination came into sight and Louis stopped walking.

“You weren’t serious about the brutally murdering me thing right?” Harry laughed.

“No.”

“Then . . . why are we at a bottomless pit? I didn’t even know that there was a bottomless pit around here!” Harry took his hand and tugged slightly.

“Come with me? It’s just a little further.” Louis hesitantly let the younger boy guide him to a spot about five feet away from the edge of the hole. They stood in silence for a moment before Harry turned towards him. He held up the bag and pulled it open. Louis watched as he held out the bag so that the contents of it became visible. Louis inhaled silently at the sight – razors, at least fifteen of them, some tiny, some rather large and deathly sharp, all piled on top of each other.

“Are those . . .?” Harry nodded.

“All of them.” He looked towards the pit. “I don’t need them anymore.” Louis hesitated, but stepped forward and pulled Harry into a deep kiss. When they pulled apart, he stepped closer so that their bodies met and pressed his face into his neck.

“I’m so proud of you,” he murmured. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis’s waist, tugging him even closer. Louis slipped his hand under the hem of Harry’s thin shirt and brushed the tips of his fingers against the crisscrossing marks as he pressed a kiss into the younger boy’s shoulder.

Finally, Harry stepped away and stood alone, facing the pit. He tugged the strings on the bag and stood motionless for a moment before hurling the bag out, watching it fall into the blackness; casting away all of the lies, the years of hiding and pain, and extinguishing the fire kindled by so many secrets.


End file.
